Ain't It Funny
by CJzilla
Summary: The Batman universe. When the Batman is seriously injured, he is unable to be a hero. Determinded to see his favorite enemy back on his feet, the Joker dons the Batman's cape and responsibilities. But really, who better for the job?
1. Two's Up

Ohayho everyone! CJzilla with her first venture into the Batman archives! Ever since I was little, the Joker was a source of endless fear and facination. I thought it was high time for me to write about my infatuation with everyone's favorite psycho harlequin. So without further ado, here it is.

_Synopsis: Based on "The Batman" TV series. The Batman is critically injured during a fight with the criminally partnered Mr. Freeze and the Penguin. With the Dark Knight unable to be a crimefighter, Gotham seems to be facing a dark, free-for-all villain take-over. But then an unlikely substitute appears. The Joker. Determined to see the Batman on his feet again, Joker dons his archenemy's cape and responsibilities. Gotham is forced into a stunned silence at seeing the Joker fighting crime. Some say that Joker's even more twisted than once thought, others call him an unlikely guardian._

As I trample over this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love on me... Hate on me... I don't care.

AN: THIS IS NOT A YAOI OR SLASH FIC.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of The Batman or the characters therein. I own no quote of Stephen King but I do own the reviews and your sanity!**

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_"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants." _

_**Stephen King**, __"Hearts in Atlantis"_  
_US horror novelist & screenwriter (1947 - )_

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_**Ain't It Funny**_

Chapter 1

_Two's Up_

A night of decorous and elaborate celebration struck Gotham's most prestigious art museum. An ancient ruby phoenix, recently unearthed outside of the ruins of ancient Babylon, was being displayed in the famous art hall. The rich and decorated flocked around the old cut stone, bubbling over with the exquisiteness of the piece. Under the brilliantly lit museum's florescent lights, the darkness of the outside was forgotten. But the night had ways of hiding dangers and leaving everyone unaware of the menace until it was too late.

As the rich and powerful were pouring over the Mesopotamian ruby, all were taken aback when the glass of the skylight was suddenly frozen. In that same second, the brittle ice was shattered, raining down on the display and guests. The flabbergasted people barely had time to draw in another breath when a chilly supervillain dropped from the shattered skylight.

Mr. Freeze descended quickly on a rope, giving the wealthy an icy feeling running up their spines. The tall and sinister ice manipulator set his feet to the marble floor and looked over every person in attendance. You could picture the super-criminal smiling greedily if that large shaft of ice was not encasing his neck and head.

Mr. Freeze was seasoned enough to know that where there was the rich and powerful, there was some sort of security. The icy man briefly combed the area before he spotted the Gotham P.D. making their way through the stunned throng of people. The officers barely had time to lay their hands onto their weapons when they were instantly frozen; solid, like some of the artwork in this museum. Mr. Freeze let a cool chuckle escape him as he lowered his ice-generating hand. The rich people were scared speechless as they stepped further and further away from the supervillain.

"Ladies and gentlemen." Mr. Freeze hailed, his chilly, hoarse voice cutting through the frightened silence. "The party has arrived."

Just then a shrill, clumsy and slightly bird-like scream was heard from above. In just that second, another supervillain plummeted from the skylight above. The Penguin, a short, chubby man with a crooked top hat and three-piece tuxedo fell to the floor, his umbrella bowed upwards. Victor Fries narrowed his eyes in an effort to keep from rolling them. Penguin was considered the second in the list of top super-criminals roaming Gotham; how the inept bird-lover MADE it to the list, let alone getting to the top two was beyond Mr. Freeze. But business was tough these days and partnering up was the safest and most lucrative way to go.

"Quack!" The icy supervillain slowly turned to his partner-in-crime. Penguin was scrambling to get off of the floor.

"You know, if you just lay off your birdseed, you would have made a far grander entrance." Mr. Freeze quipped, seeing that Penguin's umbrella gave under his weight.

The much shorter super-criminal finally got to his feet, straightened his hat and shot the taller man a glare. Penguin huffed.

"Technical difficulties." He snorted before turning his back to the ruby phoenix. The short red-headed man's green eyes widened and he yelped. "Freeze! Just LOOK at what you did!"

Mr. Freeze put up with Penguin's nasally manner of speech and overreactions, but this time he felt his eyes roll.

"You got ice ALL over the phoenix!" Penguin carried on. "Do you know how long it'll take to buff out the watermarks?!"

"I don't care nor am I sorry, Penguin." Mr. Freeze then turned his attention back to the quivering rich people before him. His eyes fixed on the large diamond jewelry adorning most of these people. "If you're done embarrassing yourself, get that big red rock out of here while I collect some ice."

Penguin watched his partner stalk after some old broad with a huge diamond hanging off of her meaty neck. Oswald Cobblepot snorted and turned his green eyes back to his even greater prize. It was a BIG ruby, shaped like a _bird_! His mouth just watered at the sight of its bird-like beauty.

"We'll get you back to the coop, my beauty." Penguin hugged the large stone. "And when we're all alone, I'll buff you spotless."

In that second, a flash of light caught the man's eyes. Not even a moment later, a window busted and in rolled a can of tear gas. As soon as it rolled to Penguin's feet, it opened, releasing the blinding gas with a hiss. Penguin rolled his eyes, nearly jarring his monocle from his right eye. With a flick of his umbrella and wrist, the can was spun into the air. Then Penguin hit it baseball-style with the butt-end of his umbrella and shot it back out the window. Setting his umbrella on his shoulder, he knew who sent the tear gas grenade.

"Hey _Popsicle_!" Penguin barked to Mr. Freeze. The icy villain looked back at his partner. "We got the coppers outside. Stop messing with the people and help me with the bird!"

Mr. Freeze ripped off some old man's diamond cufflinks and threw him back into the crowd.

"Relax Penguin." The master ice manipulator called back to his partner. "The entire Gotham police department can barely stop you. How much of a problem are they going to be with you and me holding the museum and wealthy hostage?"

Still there was that irritated look on Penguin's face.

"I know, but they're annoying. I don't want my ruby bird shot up into bits before I have a chance to add it to my collection." The small man retorted. Mr. Freeze felt himself getting irritated.

The tall criminal walked over to his partner and helped tie a harness around the large precious stone statue. The two supervillains secured the statue and were watching it being hoisted upwards. Just then a familiar sound came to their ears. It was the whistle of a Bat-a-rang, one of the Batman's most infamous weapons. In that second, two Bat-a-rangs shot through the air and sliced through the two cords hauling the ruby phoenix to the skylight. Penguin let out a girly shriek as the bird-like statue fell. Mr. Freeze had barely enough time to shoot a big block of ice around the statue before it fell to the floor. The priceless statue was unharmed but the villains were very peeved off.

"You timing is inconvenient, as always Batman." Mr. Freeze shouted into the air. Penguin gripped his umbrella, readying himself for a fight with Gotham's superhero.

With their wealthy hostages fleeing the museum, Mr. Freeze and Penguin knew who was stalking the shadows. Without a warning and without a sound, a tall, dark figure appeared out of the darkness. Any villain would recognize that midnight black cloak, grimace and dark air. It was the Batman. Penguin groaned.

"You picked the wrong score to smash, Bats!" He snarled, as a blade popped out of the ferrule of his umbrella. The superhero's eyes narrowed.

"Partners?" Batman commented, his dark voice cut through the criminals' brains. "Didn't you two learn anything from the last team-ups you've had?"

Mr. Freeze shifted the large sack of diamonds on his shoulder and glared at the hero.

"Penguin's no Firefly, Batman." The icy villain voiced. "He's got the IQ of the rock we're stealing."

"Hey! Catwoman was less _catty_ than you, Freeze!" The shorter criminal growled. Then he folded his arms and looked back at the hero with a smug smirk. "But you know what they say, penguins love the cold."

The Batman advanced on them.

"Not much could come from a dumb criminal partner-up other than empty expectations and full prison cells." The hero returned. "Give up and save yourselves from further embarrassment."

"Oh yeah?!" The Penguin challenged as Mr. Freeze dropped his sack of diamonds and readied his icy weapons. "Just try and stop us!"

The Batman never cracked a smile, even though by all counts, this appeared as if it was going to be an easy fight. Penguin was short sighted and impulsive while Mr. Freeze had a short temper; the two together could only mean a quick fight. The Batman stood there, watching the two villains for as much as a twitch. The hero kept his money on Penguin to strike first, since the chubby man was not one inclined toward patience.

As if he was asked to, Penguin grunted with frustration and dove at the Batman, swinging his blade. The hero backed up and avoided the strikes, looking for an opening.

"You're running out of feathers to pluck, Cobblepot." He stated, Penguin's blade slicing the air around him. His remark got Penguin angry.

"This birdie's not grounded yet, Batman." The short man growled, thrusting his blade, intent on running the masked hero through with it. "But I'll have no problem slicing off your wings!"

At that point, when Penguin's blade and arm were pushed forward, he was open. The Batman seized the villain's wrist, cranked it to the side. The penguin-bodied villain had no choice but to drop his umbrella as the hero threw him through the air. The chubby man flew through the air before he righted like a cat and landed beside Mr. Freeze.

"I hate it when you do that!" Penguin snarled, straightening his hat.

Now it was Mr. Freeze's chance.

"I'd stop right there, Batman." The ice manipulator stated to the hero. Then he raised his hand to the air. "Or all of Gotham's art will freeze… permanently."

The Caped Crusader stopped mid-step. He eyed Freeze's suit and saw the ice crystals forming on his fingers; a freezing blast was not too far behind. The Batman inwardly cursed the value of the art around him and how delicate they were.

Penguin gave his signature laugh at the crime-fighter.

"Boy Scouts are so predictable; you can't commit a crime if your life depended on it." The bird-like villain jeered as he gave the hero a mocking smirk. "Go back to selling cookies, you goodie-goodie."

The Batman merely narrowed his eyes and stood there like a statue.

"Get your precious little paperweight out of here, Penguin." Mr. Freeze grunted, fed up with the Penguin's gloating. "My arm's getting tired."

Penguin sighed like a little kid and did as he was told. Taking a whistle out of his pocket, the bird-based villain blew on it. Not a sound was heard, but that was just to human ears. Within three seconds, two of the Penguin's Eurasian Black Vultures descended from the skylight. The two massive birds grabbed the remnants of the harness around the ruby phoenix statue. With a flap of their huge wings, they ascended to the skylight and disappeared into the darkness.

Penguin tipped his top hat to the crime fighter.

"It's been a hoot, Batman." The bird-based villain gave a sharp-toothed grin. "But this criminal gaggle has got to fly away."

The villain gave an owl hoot just to mock the Batman.

"First of all, Penguin, a gaggle is a crowd, not two criminals trying to pass themselves off as a crime duo." The Dark Knight remarked. "And second, no one's flying away from this fight."

In the flash of a second, the Batman's hand emerged from his curtain-like cape. A sphere flew out of the crime-fighter's hand and struck Mr. Freeze in the hand. In an instant, Freeze was hit with blinding pain. Howling in agony, the ice-controller held his hand to his stomach as he fell to his knees. He whimpered, never feeling such an intense blast of heat in his life. Looking up, he felt rile burn inside of him. The Batman was walking slowly toward him.

"Super-heated plasma, Freeze. Enough to melt even your chilly personality." The crime-fighter stated.

Mr. Freeze growled, holding his burning hand. The Batman had not forgotten about Penguin; he had the portly ex-billionaire in his sights. Penguin was standing there, his jaw on the ground, seeing Mr. Freeze taken to his knees so easily.

"Last chance, Penguin. Give up and go quietly back to your roost in Arkham." The superhero stated. The Penguin snorted.

"This old bird is too young to be caged." He returned pulling on the crook handle of his umbrella and exposing a long, katana-like sword.

The Batman took Penguin's challenge and dove at him.

Meanwhile, outside, the art museum was completely surrounded by Gotham P.D. Police Commissioner Ellen Yin and Police Chief Ethan Bennett stood outside the blockade created by their heavily armored police force. Both came to trust the Batman but every time there was a supervillain team-up, they couldn't help but be concerned.

Commissioner Yin swallowed as she watched the commotion from inside the museum. Following protocol to the letter, all civilians were removed from the area and given to the medics if need be. The surrounding stores and offices were evacuated and all press was kept at safe range.

"What are you thinking, sir?" The ebony-haired oriental beauty heard her Police Chief as her. Apparently, her thoughts surfaced on her face.

"I want an opening, Ethan." She used his first name; her words were not an order. "Two villains in one area are always bad news. I want those two freaks out in the open and in Tazer range. I don't want a repeat of past criminal team-ups."

Ethan Bennett looked between his good friend, ex-partner and now boss and the art museum. The tall, fit black man managed a smirk.

"Bats can handle anything these villains can throw at him, including Freeze and Penguin." He reassured Yin. "But we can guarantee some of the art in that building isn't going to come out in one piece."

"Then why do I have a bad feeling about tonight?" Ellen spoke, her eyes glazed over with concern as she intently watched the art museum. The Gotham P.D. could only wait for an opening, or when the Batman gift-wraps both villains for them.

As a token of bad omens, a news helicopter flew above the art museum.

Inside the news helicopter, a news personality was narrating the frightening scene.

"As you can see the Gotham P.D. is at another stand-still as reports are coming in that supercriminals Victor Fries a.k.a. "Mr. Freeze" and Oswald Cobblepot a.k.a. "Penguin" are robbing this downtown art museum." The handsome news-anchor voiced into the camera. "Witnesses have confirmed that the Batman is inside the building and contending with the two powerful yet mental supervillains."

All over Gotham, the live news report was being aired on countless television sets. Everyone from random channel surfers to concerned fans to news-savvy civilians was tuned into this momentous fight. Across the snowy screen of an old television placed on a stolen shipping crate, the latest news was broadcast to an empty port-side warehouse. Among the many pilfered crates from various local novelty stores, there were gigantic teddy bears, jack-in-the-boxes and marred masks. There was an owner to all this twisted madness, an owner who's cruel ticks and deadly jokes would leave you dying of laughter. The Joker.

A trickling of soft, crazed laughter came through the darkness of the warehouse. Following the light shining off of the many dangerous toys, a figure was hunched over a desk beaming with a single lamp. Upon coming closer, green hair, the tattered remains of a straight jacket and festive, overly-long purple sleeves were seen. This was the bizarre appearance of a maniacal harlequin whose unnerving instinct for the absurd earned him a reputation as the most dangerous criminal in the annals of crime.

Snickering to himself, Joker was painting on a novelty prop bomb that he had converted into a real bomb, containing his very own Joker-venom. A toothy smile was stuck on his permanently white-painted face as he slathered an equally "happy" smile onto the bomb.

"There!" He cheered, taking the bomb off of his work station. The man twirled ballerina-style before hugging the highly dangerous explosive to his face. "Explosive Laughter, by Joker."

The madman threw his head back and burst into ecstatic laughter.

"Another crowd's going to be blown away by the comedic genius of the Joker!" Joker went on, talking to the cannonball-like bomb. "Several hundred of these little babies will give everyone in Gotham something to scream with laughter about!"

Joker felt another wave of uncontrollable laughter bubbling out of him when his painted ears caught the sound of the television.

"-fire erupted suddenly! Decades of priceless artwork are contained within this highly prestigious art museum and it's going up in flames!" The anchorman exclaimed. Joker spun to the TV, his smile faltering with curiosity.

He walked over to the fuzzy television and hit the top of it. The old TV's signal grew clearer and Joker could see one of Gotham's premier art museums and waves of fire were coming from the building. Joker rolled his red eyes.

"Yet another serious commentary of a seriously expensive bonfire." Another smile spread across his face as he eyed the flames. The flames were high and powerful making the psychotic harlequin think that he should dabble in arsony, just to know what it feels like. "Nice presentation but I'd think the reception is a little… scorching!"

And Joker nearly crumpled to the ground in another laughter fit. But over his yucks and guffaws, something caught his attention again.

"We have visual conformation! The Batman and Mr. Freeze have emerged from the burning museum!" The camera fixed on the two sparring figures exiting the smoke-choked building. Joker couldn't look away now.

Freeze? At an art museum? Not the icy villain's forte. Just then something shot out of the smoky entry of the museum. An… umbrella? The umbrella flew through the air and struck the Batman in the chest. The masked hero was blasted off of his feet and came to a stop on the asphalt of the outside street. The attacker was soon seen.

"Penguin?!" The Joker gasped. "Holy horrible foes, _Batman_! You've got a _two_ criminal concoction!"

The man clapped his dirty hands to his face and made a theatrical frightened face. But the joke grew sour when Joker saw Mr. Freeze and Penguin taking the Batman to the cleaners. Joker's smile fell into a deep frown when he saw the Batman on his knees and those two jokes of criminals standing over him.

"C'mon Batty! You're better than that!" Joker took the TV and shook it. Just then the old TV crumbled in his hands and the screen went black. "NO!"

The insane harlequin raced out of his warehouse, intent at finding the nearest television. Driving the Joker was a strange urge to see how this fight ended.

Back at the art museum the Dark Knight was feeling the effects of the twisted villainous partner-up of Mr. Freeze and Penguin. Between Freeze's mastery of ice manipulation and Penguin's martial arts, the Batman was always moving, always one step behind their deadly combination attacks. Winded and hurting, the Batman was considering fleeing the fight or never walking away.

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	2. Frozen Flames

Ohayho everyone! CJzilla here with the next update. In this chapter the fight between the Batman and Mr. Freeze and the Penguin turns. Enjoy.

As I tear down this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... Review.

_Moranofchaos2: Nice to see you in the Batman archives! Thanks for reading and reviewing._

_eltigre221: Hey 221. Thanks for reading and reviewing._

_Denygo: As soon as I saw "The Laughing Bat" this story came out of my head. Thanks for reading and reviewing._

**AN: I own nothing of Sally Kempton's**

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_"It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."_

**_-Sally Kempton-_**

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Chapter 2

_Frozen Flames_

The sky was turned a menacing orange color as a massive pillar of smoke ascended into the night air. Flames lit the city street from a huge fire roaring through a local art museum. But to the Batman, he heard no roar from the fire. The burning building was out of focus through the crime fighter's eyes. The Dark Knight knew he was close to unconsciousness when he started seeing double.

Fighting through the haze of near black out, the Batman struggled to stand. Before him stood Mr. Freeze and Penguin, their silhouettes standing against the backdrop of flames. Penguin gave a jeering laugh.

"Who'd think that a dumb criminal partner-up between Penguin and Mr. Freeze would take down Gotham's premier superhero?" The bird-based criminal laughed, nudging his partner in the ribs. Mr. Freeze looked over the beaten and dazed Batman.

"Feels me with warmth, Penguin." The ice manipulator voiced, his tone indicating that he was pleased.

Penguin gave his squawking laugh before his blue eyes settled on the crime fighter that landed him in prison over and over.

"Let's unmask him before we lose the chance. Trust me, I've been here and he normally weasels out of-" The bird-like supervillain began, twirling his umbrella. But a shout from beyond the police barrier interrupted their conversation.

In the glow of the fire the two supercriminals saw the Gotham P.D. race up to them, at the forefront being Commissioner Ellen Yin and Chief Ethan Bennett.

"PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!" Bennett commanded, his aim resting between Freeze's eyes. "Both of you!"

The two villains cautiously raised their arms, eyeing the Batman and the police.

"Very well." Mr. Freeze acknowledged, raising his hands to the sky. "I'll put my hands… behind my head."

As he did, the ice manipulator began summoning his ice powers. A mini but super-concentrated blizzard formed above Freeze's head.

"It's time for Gotham finest to chill out." The ice controller hissed. Bennett and Yin were not budging even at the risk of being frozen so brittle, that the slightest touch could shatter them.

Just as Mr. Freeze was going to dispel the mini blizzard, no one saw the Batman get to his feet. The ice controller was tackled, knocked to his back by a semi-conscious Batman. Freeze gritted his teeth as he saw the Batman dig into his utility belt for another one of those super-heated plasma grenades. In that second, Penguin's umbrella crock handle shot through the air. The weighted umbrella handle struck the crime fighter at the base of his skull. A wet gasp escaped the Batman's mouth as he reeled backward as Penguin's crock handle fell to the asphalt with a metallic ping.

Mr. Freeze had a large enough window to seize the Batman by the throat.

"You don't know how many times I wanted to send you to your icy grave, Batman." The ice controller squeezed the Caped Crusader's neck. The Batman brought his hand upwards, still gripping a sphere of plasma.

Freeze caught his hand.

"Freeze, Batman." A thick layer of ice spread from Mr. Freeze's hands to the Batman's throat and hand. With the blackness of unconsciousness engulfing his mind, the Batman found that there was little he could do to fight back.

At that same moment, Penguin was dispatching any police officer within his range. With his umbrella fully opened, the bulletproof material blocked him from the rounds of projectiles fired at him. The bird-based villain grunted in irritation at the deafening sounds of the guns, fired nearly point blank on him.

"A waste of my perfectly good time." Penguin growled, pulling his katana from the umbrella. Swinging the large blade, he knocked the weapons out of officers' hands.

Suddenly, Ethan Bennett and Ellen Yin found themselves facing Penguin.

"Ah, Commissioner! Chief! So nice of you come to the fire!" The bird-based villain smiled sweetly at the two of them. Then his expression turned dark. "And that... will be on your headstones."

Both seasoned officers dove at the portly man but Penguin caught every fist, every kick and every haymaker before they landed. Taking his umbrella, he flicked his wrist. The crock handle popped out of its housing and fell to the ground, a trail of chain behind it. Again, Penguin flicked his wrist and the crock handle caught around Yin's ankle. Before she could shake it, the villain gave the grapple a forceful whip, taking her feet out from under her.

Ethan charged Penguin, his fist cocked to hit the man in the face. The bird-based super criminal saw the move coming. Taking a firm grip of his umbrella, Penguin unsheathed the blade from the ferrule. Ethan came to a dead stop as the supercriminal stabbed the air around his head. As the deadly umbrella jabbed beside his head, Ethan caught it and held it. Thinking he had the upper hand, the police chief was very surprised to see a smile on Penguin's face. In that second, a blast of electricity shot through the umbrella, through his hand and dropped Ethan to the ground.

"A five-year-old judo student could see your moves coming a mile away." Penguin gave a big smile. "But what was I expecting from Gotham's two-bit police force?"

Then he gripped his multi-functional umbrella and drew his blade from the ferrule again.

"Here's hoping spilling your innards is more fun." The bird-based villain rested the tip of his blade on Bennett's throat. Saving the two police officer's lives, Mr. Freeze called to Penguin.

"Penguin." The ice manipulator called to his partner. Penguin spun and his eyes widened in surprise.

There was the Batman, completely encased in a block of solid ice.

"Cool, huh?" Freeze commented, his ice powers dancing on the fingertips of his cold-suit. Penguin laughed heartily as he clumsily ran up to the frozen crime fighter.

He was so ecstatic, he danced around the immobile hero.

"We got 'im! We got 'im! We got 'im!" Penguin cheered. "Gotham's shining Dark Knight! The Caped Crusader! Gotham's protector! FINALLY! He's nothing but a soggy ice cube brought to his knees by the Penguin and Freeze."

A frown fell on Penguin's face as he drew his blade. The pitiless villain flipped the sword in his hands, raised it above his head and drove it into the block of ice. The sharp blade easily passed through the thick frost and struck the frozen Batman. Both spiteful villains smiled greedily as Penguin's blade sunk into the helpless crime fighter.

"BATMAN!" Yin cried. Both Freeze and Penguin looked up to see the woman on her feet and aiming her firearm at them.

Ellen Yin pulled her trigger and the loud bang from the gun seemed to last a lifetime. The bullet sped through the air before the crackling of ice was heard. Yin had a moment to blink before she saw Mr. Freeze's fist outstretched. The icy villain opened his hand and the bullet, neatly encased in an ice cube, fell to the ground. The woman's mouth fell open.

Penguin vaulted off of his umbrella, spun in mid air and brought his heel across Yin's face. The woman's ragdoll body reeled to the side before she collapsed on the asphalt, motionless.

"Time out, chickadee." Penguin hissed at the female police commissioner. From behind him, Mr. Freeze sighed.

"This is most vexing." The ice manipulator saw more police reinforcements rush toward them. The chilly supercriminal stretched out both hands and commanded a large shield of ice.

The thick sheet of frozen water made a wall between the villains and the police and SWAT teams. Penguin turned to his crime partner and leaned on his umbrella.

"It ain't going to take long for the pitiful department to smash their way through that. We should-" Just then Mr. Freeze gripped the frozen Batman. "What are you doing?!"

The ice controller lifted the block of ice above his head and turned back to the burning art museum.

"That building's coming down, you little vulture." Freeze returned. "And I want the Batman on ice… permanently."

Penguin understood where his partner was coming from.

"Then have at it, Popsicle." The bird-based villain tipped his hat. The icy supervillain walked to the fire, a helpless Batman in his grasp.

Coming to the threshold of the burning building, Freeze set the frozen crime fighter to the ground.

"Ironic. You freeze to death in a fire." He gave a chilly chuckle. "Enjoy the inferno, Batman."

Then Freeze gave the ice cube a kick. The ice slid across the ground and into the burning building. As soon as he saw the block of ice holding the Batman disappear into the flames, Mr. Freeze stepped back to the street. Standing beside Penguin and summoning a large blast of ice, Freeze covered the front of the building in brittle ice.

"One hit should bring the house down." The ice controller said out loud.

"And the Batman to his long-awaited demise." Penguin pointed his umbrella at one of the brittle pillars. He fired a single blade from his umbrellas ferrule.

The knife hit the frozen stone and caused a mesh of cracks to splinter the rock. Then the pillar collapsed, taking the rest of the building with it. A blast of dust and hot air shot over the street, knocking over Freeze's wall of ice as the burning art museum imploded. People ducked for cover as the tons of burning building fell, spilling out into the street and collapsing on top of itself.

The two villains started to laugh as they fled the scene; Penguin on his mini helicopter blades inside his umbrella and Mr. Freeze on a blast of ice. Their celebratory laughter turned to hysterical guffawing. The Batman was DEAD! The Caped Crusader was GONE; his nine lives up! Gotham's criminals FREE!

Across town, inside a crowded restaurant, there was one face plastered to the television set. The Joker could easily hold the entire diner hostage, but he crouched on the bar top, his attention thoroughly on the live news report being fed over the local channel.

The psychotic harlequin held a frown. The live footage showed the Batman knocked senseless. Joker couldn't admit it right now because his lips were pinched shut in concern, but he was inwardly rooting for the Batman, much like he normally did. Seeing Penguin and Mr. Freeze top the masked man with their cheap shots and powers incensed the clown. They were hitting too hard and too fast! Where was the prolonged fighting sequence? There was no fun in dispatching the Batman quickly; they never even had any time to watch the calculating look cross the super detective's face as he knew his back was against the wall, there was no moment to catch the crime fighter's hands tighten and hear the slight whistle of his fist right before it cracked across your face.

"Hey!" The Joker heard some frightened bar patron shout at him. "If you think you're holding all of us hostage you've got another thing coming! You hear me! I-!"

The woman was instantly silenced when the clown drew a bomb from the insides of his tattered straightjacket. The Joker didn't take his eyes off of the screen as he shoved it to her face.

"Silence… or this WILL be a hostage situation." The supervillain hissed, sounding even more dangerous now that his tone was serious. The fact that he didn't even pop off a joke or laugh, never entered the Joker's mind.

Joker watched the television and saw the Batman risk his life to save Commissioner Yin and Chief Bennett by tackling Mr. Freeze. He saw the icy villain grab the crime fighter's throat and his ice manipulations powers flood over the Batman's body. The clown's angry frown soon became nervous as he saw the Dark Knight not fight Freeze's ice powers.

"No…" The Joker whispered, clapping his hands on the television. Before his eyes, the Batman was thoroughly encased in ice.

Then Penguin came into the picture. The Joker saw the chubby man draw his sword. The Joker's breath left him as Penguin thrust his blade into the ice, into Batman. A horrible, thick feeling hit the man's chest, like he too felt the knife. Joker's brain called out to look away but his red eyes remained on the television.

The clown watched as Mr. Freeze carried the stabbed and frozen Batman to the burning art museum and throw the crime fighter within the unstable structure. A second later, my Freeze and Penguin's hand, the building collapsed over the street… over Batman.

"No! No! NO! BATS!" Joker cried at the screen. There was no sound, not even a heartbeat but the resounding wave of shock shooting through the harlequin's mind. "BATMAN!"

The clown fell onto his back over the bar top, his pale face going even whiter. The Joker shook so hard, he fell off of the bar and to his hands and knees. Stunned customers were frozen even more so, seeing the arch nemesis of the Batman brought to such a state.

"It can't-…" The Joker whispered, staggering to his feet. "It can't-… be real… Batman…"

Tragedy or humor, it didn't matter; the Joker would always laugh. But not even a chuckle formed as distress turned over and over in Joker's mind. The harlequin, so close to real tears, brought his head up. His eyes then came to the door.

"Can't be real…" Were the words that came from his mouth as he raced toward the door, shoving tables, chairs and people out of his way.

The dazed people inside the bar looked between the headlines and the unlit bomb on the floor.

The Joker's destination lie across the city; the south end of Main Street where the Caped Crusader fell.

Commissioner Ellen Yin's eyes snapped open. Her eyes adjusted as reality came back to her. She felt an oxygen mask on her mouth and heard a sudden clank beside her. Yin turned her head to see a medical cot lowered to the ground. She saw three of her officers above her but their voices were garbled. Truthfully, she wasn't listening. The woman sat up and shook the daze of the Penguin's stroke from her head. Medics swarmed her, urging her to lie back down but Yin had all ready spotted the burning art museum, collapsed. Her mouth fell to the ground.

"Yin!" She heard her name. Looking up she saw Police Chief Ethan Bennett racing up to her. "Sir! The Batman's inside the building!"

The oriental beauty blinked and zipped to her knees, pushing medics out of the way as her chief came to her side.

"Say again, Ethan." Yin rushed, looking him straight in the eyes. She gave him a look that could splinter stone; she would surly kill him if he was joking with her.

"Batman!" The lean black man pointed to the inferno. "He's inside the structure!"

Yin scrambled to her feet and ran toward the fire trucks, Bennett on her heels.

The Gotham Fire Department had three of their truck on the scene. Torrents of water were bellowing from the large hoses, quelling small portions of the fire. Yin's eyes came to a stop on the Fire Chief. The tall, muscle-bound man barked orders over his radio, directing the few firefighters he had.

"It's too hot for water! Get the foam in there!" The fire chief shouted.

"Chief!" Yin called to the man. The fire chief turned to the sound.

His eyes widened when he saw the battered Police Commissioner race toward him.

"Commissioner! You should be in an ambulance!" The fire chief looked even more worried than usual. Yin grabbed the front of his fire-proof uniform.

"Get that fire out! We have a guy inside!" She pleaded. "Get more trucks here! We HAVE to save him!"

His face went straight as he turned back to his radio.

"We have an officer inside the fire! Repeat! Officer down! I want every available man on this fire NOW!" The fire chief shouted over his radio.

Yin's eyes were wide as she saw the carnivorous flames fight off the water. The fire raged, shooting smoke and resisting any attempts to stomp it out. It was like looking into the eyes of a dragon as it fought for possession of the Batman's life. Adrenaline did nothing to quench the feeling of helplessness as Yin stood there, watching the inferno dance. Nothing… could survive this.

Ethan caught up with his friend and he too, silently watched the roaring blaze and the firefighters battle it. Then the firefighters switched from water to special flame retardant foam. That's when progress was seen. A small portion of the building was doused and three firefighters braved the insane heat. Seconds passed like hours as everyone held their breath. Within two minuets, the three men emerged with a limp form carried in their hands. It was the Batman, the Penguin's sword still speared through his chest.

"Ethan! Get an ambulance over here right now!" Yin pushed her friend toward the police blockade. Ethan never hesitated to run for the nearest medic.

Yin ran over the firefighters as they carried the limp Dark Knight to safety. The woman was late but saw that the Batman was being fitted with an oxygen mask.

"He's alive but in bad shape." One of the firefighters said, his tone showing the urgency of the crime fighter's condition. "He needs medical attention ten minuets ago!"

The oriental woman crouched beside the unresponsive Batman. His costume was bone dry, even though he was frozen in ice, indicating the level of heat he was put through. The skin exposed on his face was significantly burned. The Penguin's blade, skewered through his chest was too hot to touch; one could only imagine hot steel running through vital organs.

And then Ethan and about four medics came rushing in, a med cart in tow. Yin and the firefighters were pushed off of the critically injured crime fighter. The woman watched as the Batman was carefully but swiftly put on the stretcher and wheeled to an awaiting ambulance.

"Ethan, I want you to follow that ambulance!" Yin called to her police chief.

"Good! We'll both follow. You need some medical attention too." Bennett pointed to the direction of his car.

"You follow. I'm going with Batman." And the woman ran after the Dark Knight. She hopped into the passenger side of the emergency vehicle just as the Batman was loaded.

Bennett raced to his car as the ambulance screamed away from the scene, precious cargo in tow.

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	3. Human and Vulnerable

Ohyaho everyone! CJzilla here with another update. Sorry it was so late; I fought with this chapter. In this update Commissioner Yin and Police Chief Bennett are forced to come to grips that Gotham's savior is only human. Then Robin and Batgirl come, feeling the shame and guilt of the mentor's fall. Among the termoil, an uninvited guest shows. Enjoy.

As I trample all over this town, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... hate... review.

**AN: This story is set along side Jeff Matsuda's "The Batman". CJzilla owns nothing of Bob Dylan's and the "dear reviewers" will be discontinued. Thank you.**

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_"I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom." _

**_Bob Dylan_**  
_US singer & songwriter (1941 - ) _

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Chapter 3

_Human and Vulnerable_

Crowds of people and press clamored outside Gotham's biggest hospital. Hospital security and the police worked together to shut down the building because of the near riot outside. Visitors were impartially dismissed and patients were confined to their hospital rooms. If you didn't need to be in the hospital, you were not allowed in. The reason for all of this madness? The Batman checked in as a critically injured patient.

Police Chief Ethan Bennett stole a glance out of the waiting room's window. Brushing past the thick curtains, he saw the growing mass of people outside of the hospital. Cameras flashed as live news crews surrounded the scene as banners and picket signs flailed in the air. Some of these people were Batman super fans while others would have him unmasked and paraded down Main. The bald black man with blue eyes withdrew his face from the window, releasing the curtains as he did. A frown curled onto his lips. How could so many people get wind of this?

Grunting in anger, the chief of police left the waiting room, slamming the door behind him. Outside he startled the nurse examining Commissioner Ellen Yin's face and head. The cool commissioner of police glanced over at her police chief and friend.

"Have you looked out the window yet, Yin?" Ethan was frustrated and irate. Ellen Yin simply cast her eyes to the floor and let the nurse dress her injuries.

"No." She replied. Ethan stood before her and the nervous nurse.

"Half of Gotham is out there, including all major news crews." He crossed his arms, taking a firm stance. "And you know exactly why."

The oriental beauty turned her head to her friend. She stayed so calm while Ethan was ready to sic the entire Gotham police department on the mob outside. Yin knew that the people outside were news hungry vultures mixed with a crowd of Batman super fans and partnered with those who wanted the crime fighter's head on a stick.

"It was only a matter of time, Ethan." Yin explained but then her right cheek pulled into a half-ironic smirk. "But I didn't expect it this soon."

She saw Ethan's fists tighten as he dropped his arms.

"He's not safe here anymore." The tall man responded. Yin brought her eyes up again and locked them with his.

"Can you give us a moment?" She spoke to the nurse. The woman nodded and walked down the hall and out of the secure area.

Yin stood and gave her police chief a deep stare. Ethan traced her head and saw her beautiful face marred with black and blue, where the Penguin had struck her.

"We have to move him, Yin." He voiced, a worried look on his face. Yin's dark red lips thinned as her expression momentarily became faraway.

"The Batman's not even out of surgery yet." Yin responded. "And even when he's out, he's going to be too unstable for an immediate move. He'll need a while to be well enough to-"

"I understand, Yin- but if the people outside know that he's here, how long until the Batman's enemies decide to pay us a visit and finish what the Penguin and Freeze started?" Ethan reasoned. "We can't fight off someone like Joker or Hideto Katsu. If we're not careful, both of us could lose a friend and Gotham could lose its only source of control."

The oriental woman nodded. Ethan's statement was brutal but true. Her eyes fell soft as Yin was reminded that the police couldn't provide this city with so much as a tourniquet, only Band-Aids over bullet holes. Both cops witnessed first-hand that the police have minimum control and without the Batman, this city would revert back to what it once was: a criminal's candy store and toy.

"I know that we can only do so much. We can, at best, slow crime down. Without the Batman, the city is doomed." Yin stated nodding resolutely. "And so, as soon as he gets off of the operating table, Batman's safety is my number one concern. That's why I've placed a call to Robin and Batgirl. They will help us with security."

Ethan's face creased with subconscious anger and concern.

The Caped Crusader's sidekicks were strangely missing tonight. The teens were always by the Batman's side so why were they not there when the masked crime fighter needed them the most? And now, once Batgirl and Robin arrives they were stuck doing security. Oh, the irony; when the boy and girl should have been with their mentor neither was and now they were an hour late and a dollar short. Ethan's face gave away his tumultuous thoughts; this all could have been avoided if the young duo were with Batman tonight.

Just then the doors down the hall swung open.

Yin nodded over Ethan's shoulder. The fit black man turned. His eyes came to the figure of a young boy and young girl dressed in a costume and being escorted by two police officers. The boy with spiky black hair had an angry and urgent gate to him while the petite red-headed girl looked more frightened than anything. Both commissioner and chief sympathized with Robin and Batgirl; their partner was critically injured, so how couldn't their heartstrings be plucked?

"Thank you for coming, you two." Yin stepped in front of Bennett, greeting the boy hero and girl heroin. Her heart sank when Robin scowled at her.

"Shut up!" The teen snapped, his nose plugged and a cold sweat clearly seen on his forehead. Now Yin knew why _he_ was absent from the fight; he had a cold. "Just-!... SHUT UP!"

Then the two officers laid their hands on the boy's shoulders.

"Don't talk to the Commissioner like that!" One cop chastised. The man's reprimand was met with the boy's heel in his stomach.

The other officer lunged at Robin but he too was easily dispatched. The livid teen snapped his eyes to Yin and Ethan.

"You idiots should have called me BEFORE this happened!" The boy snarled. "You should have TOLD me that Batman needed help!"

His dangerous scowl only went deeper as he formed fists with his hands. Then Batgirl put her hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Robin, stop." The girl said, her eyes resolute but her face showing her distress. The Boy Wonder shrugged off her hand and turned to his partner.

"Stop defending them!" Robin fumed. "They let Batman take on Mr. Freeze AND Penguin, _ALONE_! They're USELESS!"

Just when Yin thought Batgirl would have to catch a fist from Robin, the boy's stance changed. His shoulders shrunk back into his body, his hands relaxed and his scowl turned to a withheld warble. The Boy Wonder, sidekick to the Batman, normally steely and wisecracking was reduced to what he truly was inside: a young boy.

"I wasn't there to help." Robin gritted his teeth, his eyes from behind his mask tightening in an effort to fight of tears. "I SHOULD have been there!"

He trailed off. The masked teen girl wrapped her arms around the boy, sharing his guilt as she set her chin on his shoulder. Ellen Yin gestured for the pummeled officers to back off and leave. The woman then sighed, making Batgirl look up.

"Please…" She voiced calmly. "Take a seat and we'll fill you in on what's going on."

The Boy Wonder pushed Batgirl off of him. He gave Yin a dirty look and walked to the nearest chair. The boy swung the chair in front of him and set his feet on it.

"Enlighten me." Robin growled.

Bennett looked at the teen and his face gave away what he was thinking.

"The Batman's been seriously injured in a fight between he and Mr. Freeze and the Penguin." He explained, his angry grimace going deeper. "He was frozen then stabbed and left to burn alive in an art museum fire. He was pulled from the rubble and been in surgery ever since."

There was a silence between the two mini heroes. Then Robin shattered the quiet. He scowled and kicked the chair his feet were on. The chair sped across the large hall and smashed into the wall with a loud sound. The teen was on his feet, that furious look on his face but his chin softly trembling.

"And Batman never backed down, did he?!" Robin fumed at the tall man. Bennett shook his head.

"You should know that about Bats by now, kid." The police chief growled. The Boy Wonder balled his fists.

"Oh, _stick_ it, Bennett!" Robin stuck a finger in the man's face. "I know Batman better than anyone. _He_ should have known better! He's too _OLD_ to take on two villains at once! _He's_ too soft for his own good! He SO STUPID! _**He**_ SHOULD have let me come!"

The teen snarled, swatting the air and spinning on his heels in an effort not to punch the chief of police.

"Let me guess." Yin voiced calmly. "You've caught the local flue floating around."

Robin dropped his head but gritted his teeth.

"I told him I was _fine_. It was only a _little_ cold!" He growled. Yin had to disagree; a blind man could tell that Robin was far from fine. "That old fruit loop told me to stay home at and get some bed rest. I never figured he'd get himself mangled…!"

"But he did and here we are." Bennett crossed his arms. "The Batman needs US to look after him now. So I'd suck up all that anger and guilt and put that energy into the issue at hand: Batman's safety."

The young teen spun and glared. But the Boy Wonder knew the chief of police to be right; he'd be more productive if he kept a clear head.

"Fine. I'm yours. What do you want me to do?" Robin returned.

"I want you on a non-drowsy cold medication." Yin instructed. "See a nurse outside and get something."

Robin scowled but nodded. Spinning, he moved past a quiet Batgirl, back down the hall and burst through the doors.

"HEY!" He shouted, doubtlessly startling everyone out there. "I need meds. NOW!"

And the doors shut, muffling the volume of the boy's voice.

As soon as they were along, Batgirl sighed. The young red-headed teen turned to Yin and Bennett, an apologetic look on her face.

"I'm sorry about Robin, Commissioner." Batgirl spoke softly. "He's got a very bad cold."

Then the girl sighed and blinked past the tears threatening her eyes.

"I wasn't with Bats tonight because…" Her voice warbled drastically. "I have a big day at school… tomorrow."

And the teen turned, tears of complete grief and guilt gliding down her face. She gave a silent sob into her hand before clearing her throat and spinning back around to Yin and Bennett.

"You know the alter-ego life of a masked crime fighter shtick." Batgirl put on a fake, ironic smile. "I have to keep up the impression that I am nothing but a girl-next-door. Hiding in the spotlight and defending the defenseless at night."

She laughed and wiped her eyes. Cocking her hip a little, the girl placed her hands together.

"Since I'm the only _sane_ sidekick, tell me _exactly_ what is going on." Batgirl told them. "I want to know how injured Bats is, how long he's been under the knife and all that good stuff."

Bennett nodded and took up the challenge of filling in the Batgirl. Just as the first word was to pop out of his mouth, they heard the crunching of sterile foot-garb of the head surgeon. All spun to the adjacent hallway. They saw an older surgeon walking down the hall, pulling the surgical mask from his face. There was a look on the man's face like he had just had his hands inside the body of an alien. Ethan, Yin and Batgirl found themselves running to the doctor.

"What's Batman's status, Dr. Duncan?" Yin questioned. The old doctor looked between the police commissioner and then to Batgirl.

"He's suffering from the standard symptoms of a flaming building collapse; broken bones, third-degree burns, deep contusions and lacerations that you could fit a loaf of bread inside." The surgeon returned, pulling off his gloves. "The blade inside his chest was successfully removed but his body is too badly battered for us."

Batgirl's eyes went wide as she pushed past Ethan.

"Meaning?" The girl cut to the chase.

"There's nothing I or any surgeon can do to this man's battered body until his body's healing process has healed the injuries." Dr. Duncan added. "But let me say that it could have been WAY worse. His suit…"

The old man paused, that look of astonishment coming to his face again. The three gave him funny looks. The doctor then chuckled and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry-…" He clapped a hand on his head. "I'm having a hard time believing that I just operated on the Batman. Anyway, his suit protected his skin from the fire. Only his face has got burns. Rest assured, once his body has healed enough, we will give him skin graphs and mend his legs."

And with that, Batgirl's strong-willed demeanor cracked. The teen girl's chin quivered, a sob passing through her tightly pinched lips. Batgirl buried her head on her hands.

"Batgirl!" The doctor and two cops heard Robin's voice from down the hall. They looked up to see the Boy Wonder running down the hallway to get to his partner. "Batgirl! What happened?!"

The teen boy came to her and tried to pull the girl's face up to look at him. Batgirl sobbed again and threw her arms around Robin, crying into his chest. The Boy Wonder hugged her.

"_WHAT_… happened?" Robin looked up at the surgeon.

The expression on the adults' faces was grim.

"Bats is busted up pretty bad, Robin." Bennett spoke.

Robin's mouth fell.

"Once the Batman heals enough for us, we will find out how extensive the damage is." The surgeon stated. Batgirl sobbed again. "He's been wheeled into the ICU. You may see him there if you wish."

With that the surgeon walked down the hallway.

"Dr." He turned when Ethan Bennett called to him. "You are to speak to no one of his condition. You are under penalty of law now."

The old surgeon cracked a smirk and nodded.

"Patient confidentiality. I won't breathe a word." With that Dr. Duncan walked down the hallway and disappeared.

The friends of Batman were silent, not a word or feeling reaching them except for shock. Robin and Yin helped Batgirl to stand and led her to the room where Batman was kept. The Caped Crusader was severely injured, the results of which were yet to be seen. Regardless, this impact would send shockwaves over everyone who cared for the crime fighter.

Dr. Duncan exited the wing of the hospital and walked tiredly into the elevator. As the doors shut over him, the old man was alone. Now he could come to grips with who he operated on. Thanks to the Batman, the amount of crime-related injures dropped drastically. For that, the aged doctor was thankful. Now the savior of Gotham city needed a miracle; the city itself, needed a miracle.

When the elevator came to a stop, the surgeon walked out, hands in his pockets and looking forward to a cup of hot tea inside the lounge. Then he heard a skirmish ahead of him. Dr. Duncan looked up and to his absolute surprise, there was about a dozen police officers trying to restrain someone dressed as a clown. He suspected that one crazed fan from the outside crowd made his way into the hospital. But only when the clown with green hair, red eyes and a white face pulled off a feat not unlike a professional fighter that the surgeon knew who it was.

It was the Joker.

The elderly doctor's mouth was on the floor and he took a few steps back, toward the nearest exit. But it was too late. The ding of the elevator had already reached the crazed harlequin's ears. Dr. Duncan's blood froze ten times over when the Joker's red eyes focused on him. The supervillain planted his heel in one officer's face before bringing an elbow down on one cop's shoulder. When all officers were dispatched, Joker moved at the old surgeon. Dr. Duncan made an effort to run, but he had no chance to escape the much faster supercriminal.

Joker seized the man by the back of the surgeon scrub and pulled him to the ground. The crazy clown flipped the elderly man over and looked him in the eye.

"Batman. Where is he?" Were the only words that left Joker's straight mouth. There was a moment of hesitation from the doctor, possibly where he thought about secrecy he was ordered to uphold.

Lucky for Joker, that moment was brief. The old doctor looked to the elevator but didn't breathe a word. That was enough for the Joker to work with. He gave the man no second look as he looked between the elevator and the stairs. The maniacal harlequin ran to the elevator, hit the button and the doors closed.

Dr. Duncan held his old heart as he felt the aftermath of the adrenaline and surprise. Nurses and other orderlies rushed to his side. He pushed them away.

"Warn them! Joker mustn't get to Batman!" The elderly surgeon pleaded. One dazed officer was on his feet and radioed a warning to Yin.

Yin, Bennett, Robin and Batgirl stood aside the Batman's bedside. Their eyes traced the many tubes running from the man's mouth and nose. The crime fighter's head was wrapped, his mask removed but his eyes covered. Robin, a.k.a. Dick Greyson stole a glance at Yin and Bennett. The teen apprentice of Batman could only wonder if they had guessed his mentor's identity. When he met Batman and gained his trust, Dick was then taken under the Caped Crusader's wing. It was only then that he found out that the Batman was Bruce Wayne. It made perfect sense, almost stupefying at how obvious it was. Bruce Wayne had the resources, the means and the smarts to pull off a masked alter-ego. Dick only hoped that it wasn't as obvious to Bennett and Yin.

Dick placed his hand on Batgirl's shoulder. Barbara Gordon, which was Batgirl's true identity, had not stopped quivering. Barbara was so strong-willed and stubborn as Batgirl, Dick was taken aback to see her in such a state. It was at that point that Dick had an out of body experience. Bruce was untouchable, superhuman and unbreakable. For a second, the boy thought that the critical injured man lying on the bed in front of him wasn't his mentor and second-father. He was just some other man and Dick expected Bruce, in his Batman costume to kick down the door and call them to their next mission. Maybe it was his head cold but that's what he felt.

Then a panicked voice over the radio cut through the silence and constant beeping of the heart monitor.

"Commissioner! The Joker! He's here and on his way up to you!" It was over the police walkie-talkie. Yin shot her hand to the radio.

"_What_?!" She nearly screamed, again cursing the P.D.'s embarrassingly inept effort to be security.

"The Joker's HERE! He took the elevator! He's coming up to you!" The officer replied. Batgirl and Robin gasped, looked at each other and then raced out of the room.

They'd meet the Joker and fight him like never before; for Batman, for Bruce.

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	4. Funny Friend

Ohyaho everyone! Here's another update for you. In this chapter the Joker makes a visit for conformation, but he doesn't realize that the Batman is seriously injured. When he finds out, how will he react? Enjoy.

As I trample this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... review.

**AN: I own nothing of Colleen Wainwright.**

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_"Being friendless taught me how to be a friend. Funny how that works." _

_**Colleen Wainwright**, __Communicatrix, 11-09-07_  


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Chapter 4

_Funny Friend_

"SHUT down that elevator!" Bennett barked over his radio as he shut the door to the ICU, pulled the blinds and got down to the floor. "_Stop_ it from getting up here!"

"Trying-!" The officer said back. "Got it!"

A dead elevator would slow Joker down and give Batgirl and Robin enough time to intercept him.

Dick and Barbara came to a stop at the elevator, five armed police officers beside them. The two teens drew their weapons and readied their fists for the Clown Prince of Crime. It was in that second that the elevator was shut down. They heard the gears of the elevator squeal to a stop, then silence from there on in. The two kids held their breath and listened for the slightest sound. They heard nothing. Both knew the Joker too well to believe that this silence was him giving up. He had no choice but to come through these elevator doors and they'd be waiting for him.

Yin crouched next to her friend and chief of police. Both officers took the safety off of their weapons. There was no room for mistake; the Batman was too vulnerable for them to allow Joker through, if Robin and Batgirl couldn't stop him.

"I need details! HOW did the Joker get past the entire police force?!" Bennett snarled over his radio to the team that was searching the elevator and shafts.

"The loon hijacked a city bus! He drove it up to the front door and swamped us!" Came the response. Yin and Bennett inwardly cursed.

The Joker's psychotic evil seemed to have no limits.

"I want that psycho criminal found and subdued!" The chief of police hissed over the radio. "He _can't_ get to us!"

"Acknowledged." Bennett put his radio back onto his belt and grasped his weapon with both hands.

Their mourning had to be put on hold; now was the time to protect the Batman.

Everything was silent and the time that passed felt like acid dripping down their spines.

"I need information, sergeant." Yin breathed into her radio. "Any visual on the Joker?"

Another acidic moment ticked by.

"Negative, ma'am." The sergeant responded. "The elevator is… empty. The emergency escape hatch has been opened."

"The Joker doesn't just disappear into thin air!" Bennett barked over his radio. "Are you working in conjunction with Batgirl and Robin?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" The sergeant answered. "Joker only had two ways to go: up or down. Batgirl is going south while Robin flew north. We are taking the stairs and fanning out. Joker can't get by us!"

Yin stole a glance at Ethan. A film of sweat formed on the black man's forehead.

"Proceed with extreme caution." The police chief took his finger from the push-to-talk button and gave a weary sigh. "Stay frosty, Yin. The Joker never _just_ disappears."

"You're telling me something that I already know, Ethan." The oriental beauty nodded. "Protect and serve, no matter the cost."

"For Bats… I'm willing to do just that." Bennett responded, his face straight, serious and resolute. Yin cocked her gun, and in her own way, agreed wholeheartedly with her friend.

For two more minuets, the eerie silence remained. Both officers began to wonder if Batgirl and Robin stopped Joker already, yet there was no radio conformation; just the same- "no visual".

With their eyes focused on the door, both Ethan and Yin jumped when they heard the window slam open. Spinning both officers aimed their firearms at the window and pulled their triggers. Multiple shots flew through the thick curtain and out into the night. The noise was deafening, the flash of gunpowder lit up the dark room as the fabric jerked and danced with each bullet. It wasn't until Yin and Ethan had to reload that they found out they hit nothing.

There was a "thump" on the window ledge before the curtains were yanked off of the wall. Ethan and Yin had no time to reload as the Joker hopped through the window. Taking the curtain rod, he swung it like a sword and knocked the guns out of the two officers' hands. Their guns clattered to the floor. The Joker seized a curtain and twisted it just as Bennett got to his feet. As the bald black man threw out a punch, the madman whipped the coiled curtain around his neck. Yanked off of his feet, Bennett fell to his butt, trying to dislodge the collar of cloth. The Joker caught a kick from Yin and wrapped the other end of the twisted curtain around her foot. With a push she was set off balance, falling and taking Bennett with her. Yin's back hit the door and she fell over Ethan. Both struggled to stand as the Joker grabbed their guns. The insane harlequin dismantled the weapons before tossing them out of the window.

There was a second of silence as the supervillain stood there, watching Yin and Bennett peel themselves off of the ground.

"You wouldn't _believe_ the paperwork I had to fill out just to convince the cops downstairs that I was the real Joker!" The pale-faced, green-haired harlequin voiced, a grin cracking on his face. "But after they saw my card… they stepped aside."

Joker flicked his wrist and pulled one of his razor-sharp joker cards out of thin air. Then he threw the card and it stuck to the door, inches from Commissioner Yin's head.

"It is visitor hours you know." That immense Joker smile was full-on his face as he grabbed the curtain rod again. Raising it above his head he swung and instantly crushed both cops' walkie-talkies. "And I don't want a crowd of police breathing down my neck as I see an injured friend."

With that being said, the madman turned his head. The Joker saw a mangled mess of machines, tubes and a lump on the bed under a white bed sheet. He frowned, disappointed since he thought he'd busted into the wrong room. The pitiful cop security was here, but this… _bump_ couldn't be his greatest rival and best friend! This poor sucker in the bed couldn't be the Batman. The Batman would _never_ be seen on a respirator!

Huffing in frustration, the clown's bare feet slapped the floor as he made a move toward the cot. He'd find out who was really under that bed sheet.

"HEY!" There was a shout. Joker had no time to turn his head to the window as Robin's heels rammed into his chest.

The Boy Wonder swung into the room just in time; the Joker had turned to Bruce's bed. The maniacal madman was vaulted off of his feet and through the observation window, across the room.

Glass shattered all around him as Joker was launched through the indoor window, out into the hallway and came to a rude stop on a wall. Joker felt the impact but never seemed to acknowledge the pain. Instead, he was just vexed as he climbed to his knees. Bringing his eyes up he saw Robin hopping through the busted window and pull a Bat-a-rang from his utility belt. The Joker scowled. _Where_ was this little brat when the Batman was getting frozen and stabbed?

Joker had a split second to jump out of the way when the teen threw the weapon. The sharp boomerang stuck in the wall where the Joker's head was just a millisecond ago. The harlequin ducked behind the nurses' hosting area. He kept close to the ground as the teen threw another Bat-a-rang.

Dick Greyson's heart was in his throat. He HAD to keep the Joker away from Bruce! The teen drew the extendable fighting rod from his utility belt. Extending the weapon to full-size, Dick carefully approached Joker's hiding place.

"I won't let you finish Batman off, Joker!" He spat, gripping the weapon. Dick moved toward the small hosting area, ready to pummel the clown.

In a move he should of expected, the Joker flew over the island and gave him a haymaker to the face. The teen reeled and came to a stop in a line of wheelchairs. Dick blinked the stars from his eyes and held his chin. The Joker was just standing over him, hands on his hips and looking slightly irritated.

"Relax, kid. I'm only here to see Batman." The supervillain remarked. Dick scowled.

"Yeah right! See him to an early _grave_ is more like it!" The teen swung his warrior's staff and caught the insane harlequin across the ankles. Joker was instantly on his back.

Before he had time to get up, the Joker had Robin's baton at his throat. The Boy Wonder had an expression on his face that Joker seen only a handful of times before; the look of deep impacted desperation.

"At least your at a hospital, Joker, because I'm gonna wallop you so hard, you-yo-y-!… _Achoo_!" The teen sneezed violently. That crazed, sinister smile spread over Joker's face again.

"Aw… has oo got a cold?" The clown joked. With a swat of his hand, Robin's baton was off of his neck and with another sweep of his foot, he took the boy's balance. "Is that why youwere absent while Bats was a punching bag, hmm?"

The Joker was once again standing over the boy.

"I wouldn't think too hard about that peewee." The psychotic harlequin grinned. "All you did was land Bats in the hospital. Seriously, why have sidekicks if they're never there?"

Dick gritted his teeth and rocked back to his shoulders. He powered his feet into Joker's stomach; the clown stumbled back.

"Hey, Joker, where's the Mrs.?" The Boy Wonder hissed. "If you're so preachy about good sidekicks, then why isn't that Harley Quinn kicking my butt right now?"

Joker bit down the pain in his stomach and stood, that wicked smile still on his face.

"Little Harley hurried off to her mother." The supervillain returned. "Yeah, she said that I'm paying Bats more attention than her so she's off with her dear ol' mum. _Crazy_, right?!"

A mocking smile came onto Dick's face.

"So, the mighty Joker's lost his control on a weak-minded woman. Slipping at your job, Joker?" The teen jeered. The Joker's smile never faded.

"Or was it, I killed her and dumped her corpse into the fountain in city square?" The insane man looked to the ceiling, finger on his chin. The boy's eyes widened. Joker laughed. "This may come as a surprise to you, pipsqueak, but- I'm a little, how you say-?… Screwy. So, _how_ would _you_ know if I'm telling the truth or lying?!"

The supercriminal guffawed, his unmistakable, ludicrous and wild laughter filling the empty hospital floor.

"But if you think about it," the Joker wiped his eyes, his giggles dying down. Then he gave the boy a batty stare and a cracked smile, "I don't need help to kick your butt."

Dick almost didn't have time to swing up his warrior's staff to block one of the Joker's punishing strikes. The masked teen did his best to block every wild swing, letting his baton absorb the clown's crazed strokes. There was something about Joker's fighting style. While training with Bruce, Dick was coached to conserve energy and cautioned against performing unruly hits. Keep your stance tight and controlled and keep your limbs close to your body. This was not the case with the Clown Prince of Crime. The madman always let his limbs fly in a chaotic and crazy frenzy that was as careless as it was effective.

Finally Joker got a fist through the barrier that Dick created with his baton. It took just a second for the insane clown to throw a punch that knocked the Boy Wonder back down to the ground. Dick heard his staff clank out of his hand as the lights above him swirled. Then he saw Joker, crouched next to him; the madman's image double in the boy's vision. The clown's marred, yellow teeth were still in a smile as he waved his hand above the boy's face.

Then to the side, Dick saw the blurry form of Police Chief Ethan Bennett quietly approach, a lunch-tray poised to strike Joker with. The teen's sudden look must have given the man's ambush away because the Joker held up his arm. The tray hit his forearm and instantly busted in half. Joker got to his feet as both Yin and Bennett started swinging punches at the supercriminal.

Well, both cops were back on their feet and giving Joker the full welcome wagon. Their fists and heels flew all around him, some even coming so close as to disturb one of his green locks! But all close shaves set aside, it was the same moves, the same desperate fight and it always had the same outcome. Joker chuckled.

"I see that there is one missing from this fray but… who could it be?" He smiled, feigning memory loss. "I know there was someone else; someone that's probably selling cookies and collecting badges right now, but I can't put my pale finger on it."

The psychotic criminal-mastermind did a back flip and landed on the nurses' hosting desk. He crouched on the upper level of the desk and smiled. Joker looked like a ghastly grimacing gargoyle as he paused in his fighting. And, just like she was asked to make an entrance, Batgirl kicked open the door to the stairs. The red-headed masked teen came running up the hall, trailed by six heavily armed SWAT members.

The Joker chuckled as he snatched a lollipop from a bowl on the desk and unwrapped it.

"Batgirl! Now I remember! And Batgirl makes this one big happy family!" The clown cackled, still crouched on the desk.

The Joker's infamous loud laugh caught Barbara's attention. When she caught up with Ethan and Yin, she saw Dick on the floor and the Joker calmly perched on the nurses' cubical, sucking on a lolly. The teen girl gave a loud gasp.

"DON'T MOVE!" The SWAT behind her shouted, pointing their automatic weapons at the psychotic clown. Joker pulled the sucker from his mouth with a loud pop.

"What? Don't like grape?" He looked between the lollipop and the gun barrel in his face. Joker grinned at the SWAT team, unafraid of the deadly weapons in front of him.

The harlequin laughed, rocking back and sitting on the desk, sticking his candy back in his mouth. The lead SWAT member gestured for one of his teammates to get a pair of handcuffs for Joker. Then an unlikely person spoke up, saving the Joker from getting shackled.

"Wait." Commissioner Yin held up her hand to the SWAT team. Everyone was stunned.

"Yin!" Ethan whispered to her, but he too got a gesture to stay silent.

The oriental beauty watched Joker lick his candy as she wondered why he was still here, even in the face of a SWAT team and a one-way trip back to Arkham Asylum.

"What are you doing here, Joker?" Yin asked finally as Batgirl helped Robin to his feet. The psychotic harlequin sat up, his lollipop's paper handle sticking out the side of his mouth.

"Well, I'm not here for the candy." He smiled, flicking the naked paper handle to the wastebasket beside the desk. Joker chuckled as he hopped to the floor.

Everyone jumped back.

"You have one last chance to tell me why you are here, Joker, or you're going back to Arkham." Yin was resolute. This was her last warning.

The Joker's smile faltered a little.

"You know precisely why I'm here, commissioner." The clown returned. "I'm here to see my good friend, the Batman."

His eyes darted over to Batgirl and Robin, the latter hanging on the former's shoulders.

"I saw Bats defeated by Freeze and Penguin. It was all over the TV." Joker gave Barbara and Dick a nasty glare. "He was frozen, stabbed and in a flaming building when it collapsed. I'm here to find out if everything I saw was real. You can't believe everything you see on TV anymore."

With that the Joker's hand shot back to the candy bowl and he pulled out another lollipop.

"Candy anyone?" A sick smile spread over the man's face as he held out the bowl to the SWAT team. When no one moved, he threw a lemon drop into his mouth. "More for me."

"But you ambushed the building! You drove a city BUS to the front of the hospital!" Ethan pointed toward the front of the building.

"Well, if I knocked, would you have let me in?" The Joker's smile was as wide as ever. The answer was obvious. "And as far as the bus, you know how hard it is to find a decent parking space at a hospital."

Yin stepped forward.

"So it's my understanding that you are here merely to SEE the Batman. Correct?" The oriental beauty clarified. To her surprise, the clown nodded.

"Bingo! We have a winner!" The Joker gestured toward the commissioner. "I'm just another civilian visiting a hospital to see their good friend."

Then he looked over the rest of the people in the hallway.

"If only the rest of you had a brain!" The clown jeered, laughing.

Over the Joker's laughter, the Boy Wonder stood up to Yin.

"He's lying." Robin hissed through gritted teeth. "He has to be. This is Batman's number one enemy! Joker himself said that we can never tell if he's lying or being honest! He'd rather see that the Batman draws his last breath tonight."

The Joker gave a guilty shrug.

"Eeeeeeeh. I won't deny that we're enemies, pipsqueak." Then the clown's smile faded into a serious look. "But if there's one thing about humor, it's that it's honest. I'm here to see my best friend, the Batman."

Then the insane harlequin cleaned his face, smiling once again.

"But I can see that Bats isn't in this hospital, so it looks like I terrorized this place for no good reason." Joker sucked his teeth. "So if one of you can kindly tell me where my good friend is, I will leave here without another bad joke."

To his surprise, they blinked at him. The Joker shrugged again.

"What? Batman _was_ in that flaming building, right? So tell me where he is and I'll cruise on out of here." The madman said, glancing over everyone's faces. To his irritation, they looked blank and surprised. "All right; I've tried to be nice n' patient but this clown's got his limits. TELL me where Batman is or I'll gas this entire hospital."

Still nothing as Robin, Batgirl, Yin and Bennett glanced at each other. The SWAT team tightened their grip on their weapons. Now Joker was really irritated.

"I'm going to count to three and I better get an answer." His face fogged over with anger. "One…"

How could Joker not realize that Batman was lying on that bed inside the room he busted into?

"Two…" Joker's yellow teeth were clenched tightly together. "Two and a half… two and three-quarters… two and fifteen-sixteenths…"

Finally Batgirl looked at him.

"You're not serious are you?" The girl cocked her head at him, mimicking a confused puppy. Joker slapped his hand over his eyes.

"Don't let the clown persona fool you, Batgirl. I have my serious moments." He dropped his hand and glared at her. "And THIS is a serious moment. On my honor, I swear I'm going to gas-"

"No, not that." Ethan butted in. "You seriously think that Bats isn't here?"

Now it was Joker's turn to blink.

"What? Did I miss him when I busted in?" The clown whipped his head in all directions. "Did you guys all ready let him go home?"

Batgirl sighed and moved over to him. Joker was surprised when she grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the wrecked ICU room. Opening the door, the teen heroine led the clown to the bed and released his hand. Batgirl gestured to the man in the bed.

"No. This is just some poor idiot with tubes in his head." Joker waved at the injured man, dismissing him as he gave Batgirl a confused look. But she shook her head, her eyes soft. Joker still wasn't convinced; he gritted his teeth at the young heroine. "Prove it."

Just then Robin yanked the sheet off the man. Joker jumped before he got a good look person on that bed. The tall, muscular man was in a hospital smock, his legs bare, marred with deep bruises and cuts. His arms were laid perfectly at his sides and his chest moved up and down in the peaceful rhythm of the respirator machine. But his face…

Joker's mouth dropped open as he approached the man's side. The supervillain leaned close, peering. Though bruised and burned, the man had the same angular face structure of the Batman; the same face he'd seen a hundred times over. The harlequin recognized the man as his only rival and only friend.

"Oh, Bats." Joker breathed, feeling like he'd been hit in the head with a baseball bat. "Whatchya get yourself into now?"

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	5. Insanity Speaks

Ohayho everyone! CJzilla here with another update. FanFiction had a glitch in the login system; this update's been ready since Sunday. A little short but informative. In this chapter it looks as if Gotham's going to be without the Batman for a while and Joker comes up with an insane solution. Enjoy.

As I tear down this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... Review.

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_"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world." _

_**R. D. Lang**  
_

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Chapter 5

_Insanity Speaks_

Six heavily armed SWAT officers stood outside a hospital intensive care unit. Glass was all over the floor but no commotion was heard. But inside the hospital ICU room, things were silent but far from peaceful.

Thickly solemn, translucently heartbreaking, fully amazing and unnaturally quiet. Batgirl and Robin, Commissioner Ellen Yin and Police Chief Ethan Bennett stood along side the Joker in that hospital intensive care unit. But there were no punches being swung, no Joker gas clouds and no handcuffs. What do two masked vigilantes, two high-ranking police officers and a psychotic supervillain have in common? The same person that was lying in that hospital bed. The Batman.

The five onlookers were silent as they stared at the critically injured crime fighter. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only consistent sound in the room. It was… strange for all of them, hearing the Batman's heartbeat. For someone seeming superhuman and so hard on crime, no one but his closest friends knew he had a heart; the powerful but sensitive organ that was capable of love and pain.

"I'll do it." The Joker's voice rang through the silence, making everyone jump. Yin, Bennett and Robin and Batgirl looked at the insane harlequin.

In the dim light, the Joker's crazed yellow smile dazzled the darkness.

"I'll do it." The supervillain repeated, his smile broadening once he saw he had everyone's attention. They all frowned at him.

"Do what, you screwball?" Robin growled. The Joker chuckled.

"What you're all thinking." The supercriminal returned. "Gotham's down one grouchy but cool crime fighter. Let's face it; the news that Batman's KOed is all ready out. I'd say all criminals down from chronic jaywalking gangsters up to A-list supervillains are running naked in the streets, free as the wind blows."

Bennett crossed his arms.

"Your point, Joker?" The Chief of Police tapped his foot. Joker chuckled again, stifling a bigger laugh.

The psychotic clown jumped in the air, just for the heck of it.

"I'll do it!" Joker got in Bennett's face, pointing at himself. "_I'll_ fill in for Bats while he's sucking his meals through a straw!"

Gasps rang through the room.

"NO _way_!" Robin jumped between Bennett and Joker, swiped the air with his hand. "You're the _Joker_. You'd sooner plunder and gas the city before you'd protect it!"

Joker cackled and put a hand on the Boy Wonder's head, pushing him to the side. The harlequin focused on the chief of police and police commissioner.

"What? You'd leave Gotham City in the hands of Frick and Frack?" Joker pointed to Robin and Batgirl and gave a big laugh. "Even when Bats needed them the most, they were wiping their noses! They're barely old enough to order on the adult menu! How are THEY supposed to stop the bad guys with numerous henchmen?"

The crazy supercriminal got a shove from Robin. Joker tripped until he hit the wall. The clown just giggled at the irate look on the Boy Wonder's face.

"We've stopped _you_ more times than you care to admit!" Robin spat, balling his fists. The Joker gave a low, amused but sinister laugh.

"But you always had the Batman to spearhead every case. Without him peewee, you're going to be so all-consumed by guilt, you're not going to see that bullet come whizzing toward your brain." The harlequin extended his forefinger and thumb pointing at Robin's forehead and then he grinned. "Boom. You're dead."

With that big smile on his face he relished the look on the boy sidekick's face. Then Batgirl stepped in front of his finger.

"You've got to give us more credit than that, Joker." The calm girl said. Joker shrugged and husked his finger in an invisible gun holster.

"Eh. On a usual night, maybe." The clown grinned but then that smile dropped off his face. "But you two weren't there for Batman. Of all the mess-ups in all the world, THIS has got to be the biggest one."

He pointed at the critically injured Batman and the sound of his heart monitor filled the room. The madman got his point across because a look of sadness fogged the girl's face. Then Joker did a cartwheel, landing by the window.

"And what makes you think you're more capable than Batgirl and Robin, Joker?" Yin questioned, setting a hand on her hip as she narrowed her eyes at the criminal. "In case you've forgotten, you're a convicted criminal who's made _several_ attempts on every living soul in this city. How are YOU better than these two?"

"Well, Robin and Batgirl may have a clean record with the law, they may be the Batman's right and left hand AND they _may_ have matching costumes, BUT-…" The Clown Prince of Crime paused, his yellow, crooked smile once again shining through the dim light. "_I'm_ the only one who knows Bats from the inside out. I've been in his mind and he's been in mine. We share a level of understanding that other people only dream they had. Why, we're practically _brothers_!"

Robin growled again.

"Oh, you're just FULL of it, aren't you?!" The masked ebony-haired teen fumed, pointing an accusing finger at Joker. "I don't see you in a matching Batman costume! I don't see you in a black cape and cowl! And I certainly don't see you and Bats on good terms! Last I checked, YOU and him are _enemies_!"

Joker locked eyes with the Boy Wonder.

"I've been side to side with the Batman WAY before you and all the other bats walked into his life, peewee." The clown returned, that big smile still on his pale face. "You're not giving me any credit for the time period before all of this sidekick madness."

The teen boy gritted his teeth, angrier than ever. Robin stomped over to the insane harlequin and stuck a finger in his face.

"I'm not giving you ANY credit, you delusional LOON!" With his outburst, the Joker's smile faltered. "You want it in black and white?! Fine. You're my mentor's fiercest enemy and this city's GREATEST threat! You have no right to _think_ you can even touch Batman. You don't know Batman like you say you do, you're not his brother and you're certainly not his friend!"

Now the Joker's smile was totally gone, his red eyes squinted at the boy in a type of hurt look.

"There. Now with that reality check, WHAT makes you think you can fill in for the Batman?" Robin crossed his arms and glared. The crazed clown was silent for a long while as he stared right back at the teen.

"I never said that I'm equal to Bats." The Joker finally spoke, his tone low and wounded. "The Caped Crusader's in a league all of his own. But he is my best friend."

The room was silent.

"So bring up my record with the law, tell me I'm a homicidal maniac that's sick in the head and laughs too much!" Joker added. "But I'm not volunteering to take on the Batman's cowl to commit more crime, to silence the ghosts of my past or to get even with him… I'm volunteering to help my one and only friend."

Joker's elaborate mind was sometimes briefly viewed by outsiders. Bigger, more obvious glimpses of what blazed across the madman's thought pattern were mainly seen in the type of crimes he commits and in the execution of his felony misdemeanors. On the other hand, though, sometimes moments like these were witnessed by only the lucky few. Peeks into the feelings and thoughts that weren't always so obvious as his laugh and unique look. Now ironically the chief of police, commissioner of police and two masked heroes had front-row seats to this supervillain's confession.

Ethan Bennett cut the silence this time.

"Listen, Joker." The fit bald, black man took a step toward the supercriminal. "Even if you wanted to, it's not in you to be a hero; you know that by now."

The clown pursed his lips and looked to the ceiling for a moment. Then he smiled.

"Well, I'm obviously not a Boy Scout, but if you all recall, _Bats_ isn't really one either." Joker returned. "And a grouchy hero is exactly what this city needed."

Bennett nodded.

"Point taken, Joker." The chief of police nodded. "But the last time you tried to be a hero like the Batman, you still held Gotham in a stranglehold."

Robin looked up at Bennett and quirked a brow.

"It was before the Batman took on sidekicks." Yin spoke, butting into the conversation, answering the confused looks from Batgirl and Robin. "Joker briefly impersonated the Batman, enforcing the law instead of breaking it."

Batgirl looked at Robin.

"That's one story Batman never told us." The masked teen girl glanced up at Joker. The insane clown looked annoyed.

"But Joker made a terrible superhero because the offenses he targeted were barely considered crimes at all." Bennett set his hands on his hips and shook his head. "And he gassed every one of them, from jaywalkers to the eleven-items-at-a-ten-item-grocery-checkout offenders."

Joker shrugged.

"I was _graduating_ to the bigger criminals, chief." The clown gave a grin. "You expect me to take down the big boys on my first day in tights and a cape?! Talk about pushy."

He pouted, folding his arms.

"That's not the point. The point is that you _couldn't_ be a hero, Joker." Bennett crossed his arms. Joker looked back at the police chief.

"But this is different." Joker returned looking very irritated. "I keep _telling_ you people that."

"And we keep tellin' you that it's _not_ going to happen!" Robin growled, obviously frustrated. "So _shut up_ about taking over for Batman! Stay a criminal, Joker. It's the only thing you're good at."

As the Joker merely looked at the boy, weighing in what he just said, Batgirl elbowed Robin in the ribs. It was at that point that Joker had made up his mind to ignore everything the two cops and two munchkin heroes just told him.

"Well-!" Joker stood from leaning on the window and stretched. "I'm glad to see Bats still breathing. But this clown has gotta run."

The crazed harlequin laid a hand on the window and slammed it open. He hopped on the ledge and gave everyone a big, Joker smile.

"Don't forget to smile everyone!" He told them. With a cackle, the supervillain did a back flip out of the hospital room and fell.

Yin, Batgirl, Bennett and Robin rushed to the four story window and watched Joker gracefully bounce between the hospital and the adjacent building. Dropping to the dark alleyway, the psychotic clown disappeared into the crowd of people and then slinked off into the darkness of the night.

Everyone was still a little stunned at the relatively non-hostile visit from the madman. They were all even amazed that Joker never mad an attempt on the Batman's life, since the hero was critically injured and so vulnerable. Then Batgirl slapped Robin upside his head.

"What is _wrong_ with you?!" She snapped as the Boy Wonder rubbed the back of his head. The four ducked back into the room and shut the window. "You just encouraged the _Joker_ to **stay** a supervillain!"

Batgirl growled in frustration as she pulled on her red hair and walked back into the room.

"So what?!" Robin shot back. "I'm not going to let Joker, of all people, to parade around Gotham as the Batman! He's mental! HOW would that reflect on the real Batman, Batgirl?! It's better that he stay a criminal."

The masked teen girl shot Robin a glare.

"Just _listen_ to yourself!" She snarled. "You just goofed BIG time!"

The Boy Wonder gritted his teeth.

"What? You'd rather have Joker running around as our mentor?" He marched up to her. Batgirl held a frown on her face regardless of how angry Robin looked.

"If it means that Joker would stay out of our hair until Batman recovers, then yes, I'd want him in a rubber muscle suit with matching bat ears." She returned. "And you just told him to that he was better suited to be a criminal. Way to go super _blooper_."

Robin and Batgirl were ready to start throwing punches at each other. Bennett stepped between them.

"Easy you two. Keep in mind what's going on now." The fit black man voiced and then he looked over at the Batman. "I can't believe it's come to this. After all he's done for us… he's on a hospital bed and having a machine breathe for him."

His blue eyes traced the medical equipment in the room and focused on the IV that was trickling fluid into the Caped Crusader's veins. It was nearly too painful. Bennett sighed.

"What now?" He looked to Yin. The oriental beauty looked up at him.

"We keep Batman safe and breathing." Yin took a firm stance. "We all want him to recover as soon as possible."

Then Robin looked up at the two officers.

"Bats can't stay here. Not after how easily Joker got past all of us." Robin sneered. "We gotta relocate him."

Bennett and Yin nodded.

"We were discussing that too." Bennett returned and then looked over at Yin. "But it wasn't exactly settled."

The oriental commissioner of police gave her friend an irritated look.

"Then let's settle this now." Yin put her hands on her hips. "The Batman will be moved to a secret safe house with all the resources we need for his critical condition. Once he's well enough, we will release him to his two partners, Batgirl and Robin."

Robin and Batgirl nodded. Then Batgirl sighed, rubbed the back of her neck and stole a glance at her mentor lying still in the hospital bed.

"It looks like Gotham will have to go without the Batman for a while." The red-headed heroine looked over at Robin. Again, the steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only thing heard.

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	6. Batty Gotham

Ohayho everyone! CJzilla here with another update! In this chapter Dr. Kirk Langstrom is out causing trouble. Batgirl and Robin are in over their head. Enjoy.

As I trash this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... hate... review.

**AN: I own nothing of Mr. Lichtenberg.**

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_"To do just the opposite is also a form of imitation."_

**Georg Christoph Lichtenberg**  
_(1742 - 1799)_

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Chapter 6

_Batty Gotham_

Dr. Kirk Langstrom was working late into the night… again. Deadlines were circling his head and robbing him of sleep. His wealthy sponsors agreed to fund his research _only_ if they saw results. Given Dr. Langstrom's reputation, any sponsor willing to support his work was met with open arms. But once inside their little web, he found out that their deadlines weren't the only nightmares. The man was being swiftly pushed to the breaking point, tonight being no different.

The scientist held his overused eyes to a microscope as he applied a small drop of his experimental steroid on a petri dish of human blood. Dr. Langstrom held his breath as he carefully observed the results of this test. The trial steroid held to blood cells for a long second before it savagely attacked it, ravaging the cellular wall and breaching each cell. The blood cells died and the experiment failed. Langstrom growled loudly as he took his tired eyes from the microscope.

"I'm still _DECADES_ away from success!" The frail-looking middle-aged man gritted his teeth as he angrily jumped away from the microscope. Langstrom grabbed wads of his disheveled white hair and pulled. "I cannot complete a usable steroid in just a month! This isn't even fit for _vegetables_!"

The scientist fell to his knees in the middle of his blank, sterile laboratory. A new, addictive steroid inside the ridiculous time constraints was just beyond his capabilities. Backing out wasn't an option, considering the type of sponsor he was dealing with. If he left now, his sponsors would send someone to make sure he never spoke to the police. Langstrom was in a hole, a deep hole that he himself had dug.

The skinny man gave a weak sigh as he pulled his face out of his hands.

"This is not why I became a scientist." Langstrom looked over all of the equipment in his lab. "I am a man of science, not of criminals. I will not be a source of more pain and anguish in the world and to make my crooked sponsors' pockets full."

Then the last year of his life flashed in his mind like a horrible slideshow. The shady benefactors promising him all the money he needed for his research and only asking that he make them some artificial hormones, chemicals and the like. Thinking back on that, everything that he manufactured could be used to make drugs. Langstrom had found himself deep inside a horrible illegal drug trade; then the reality set in that he was being forced to create new narcotics for innocent people to get hooked on. He turned his head and saw the vials of experimental steroids he'd created. Rage flashed over the small man and he began to tear up his laboratory.

Halfway through his rampage, Langstrom came to his private satchel, where he'd carried some of his most prized research. Storming over to it he raised his foot to crush whatever was inside the bag. But something stopped him. Grabbing his bag from the floor, he set it on the counter and rushed through it. At the bottom of the shoulder bag his fingertips hit a glass vial. Pulling the small, corked bottle from his bag, Langstrom brought it to his face.

It was his Man-Bat mutative serum. There was a whirlwind of pros and cons that flew through Langstrom's head but this was no longer about the temptation to becoming the powerful and evil Man-Bat again. Langstrom saw his way _out_ of his cesspool life. Faster than he thought possible, he uncorked the vial and poured the viscous florescent pink formula into his open mouth.

Immediately the man's fragile looking body convulsed and he fell to the floor. His muscles rippled, he grew three feet taller and his ears exploded into huge, radar-like listening devices. Within mere seconds, Langstrom's body became that of an oversized humanoid bat. Man-Bat once again reemerged from a period of suppressed slumber.

The huge humanoid bat uncurled from on the floor, his massive ears now being fed with every sound inside the building. Man-Bat blinked his beady, nearly useless hot pink eyes; sight was rather useless for him at this point since he could hear and thus "see" everything in the room due of his echolocation. The humanoid bat rolled to his knees and stood. The feeling of Man-Bat was amazing. The strength and tuned senses; he could even hear the copy machine on the bottom floor of this building. Being the ultimate Bat once again, Langstrom never felt more alive. Man-Bat opened his maw and gave a shriek that shook his laboratory. Flicking open his intimidating wings, Man-Bat jumped toward the ceiling. The ceiling, upper floor and roof were no match for the humanoid's immense strength. He flew out into the late night. The darkness once again belonged to Man-Bat.

Flabbergasted onlookers stared in half awe and half horror as they saw a huge silhouette cross the moon's light. It was Man-Bat, prowling the night's sky on the lookout for his next meal: the Batman.

Meanwhile, an unmarked moving van drifted through the quiet web of Gotham's premier warehouse district. It stopped outside the large storage units belonging to Wayne Industries. The electric fences were disabled and the gate was opened it the vehicle. The moving van lazily pulled into the warehouse lot and hung a left. The large automotive stopped at the last storage facility at the end of the lot. The doors opened and the vehicle drove inside. Then the garage doors closed and you could hear the van's engine cut.

Dick Greyson and Barbara Gordon both felt the van come to a stop. They sat at the doors of the ventilated storage container, watching the medics care for Bruce Wayne. Their mentor looked like any man would after being in a building collapse: mangled and barely breathing. But his shaky health wasn't the tricky part. The tricky part was that Bruce Wayne was the injured Batman. This was going to be a dangerous juggling act by Dick, Barbara and Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce's butler and close friend. They had to be careful to keep the Batman's identity secret.

Just after the Joker left the hospital and Robin, Batgirl, Police Commissioner Ellen Yin and Police Chief Ethan Bennett came to the decision to move the critically injured crime fighter to a new location, Dick had placed a call to Alfred. Between the two of them, both Alfred and Dick devised a plan to keep Bruce safe but in the spotlight. Using Bruce Wayne's ever philanthropist reputation, Alfred had arranged the Batman to be secretly housed in one of the warehouses of Wayne Industries.

The doors to the moving van were opened by Ethan Bennett, disguised as the van's driver. Dick a.k.a. Robin and Barbara a.k.a. Batgirl quickly hopped out of the vehicle and let the medics unload Bruce. Due to his critical injuries, the longer he was off the big respirator, the worse he would get.

"We need to get him hooked back up to the breathing machine." Ethan looked down at Robin and Batgirl. Time was slipping past them. "Where is Bruce?"

"I am coming, sir!" A voice came from the front of the garage just before a door shut. Ethan, Dick and Barbara raced to the other side of the van and saw Alfred Pennyworth trotting up to them.

Barbara and Dick were very happy to see the trustworthy familiar face but Ethan looked stunned.

"Alfred? Where's Bruce?" The fit black man swept the baseball cap off of his head. The prim and proper butler slowed his gate and stopped before the chief of police.

"Master Bruce sends his deepest apol-" Thankfully something chirped through the air, cutting into the conversation. It was Ethan's police cell phone.

The chief of police picked up his phone and put it to his ear.

"Bennett here." He voiced. Then his face went straight, his eyes wide. "What?"

And then the Bat-Wave chirped on both Robin and Batgirl's belts. Both teen crime fighters picked up their communicators and read off the source.

"Man-Bat?" Batgirl's eyes went wide. "But Dr. Langstrom swore to Batman that he's gone straight!"

Robin's eyes narrowed.

"Well, it looks like he either lied or he's had a relapse." The masked boy glanced at Barbara and then at Ethan. As soon as he was that the chief of police was distracted, Dick looked at Alfred. "We've gotta run Alfred."

The butler's face fell fearful.

"Do be careful, young ones. Man-Bat is ferocious." Alfred looked at the two kids that Bruce had taken under his wing. "Please do not get hurt. There's been too much loss for one day."

They saw Alfred catch a glimpse of Bruce as he was wheeled past him on that hospital cot. Dick and Barbara knew that he saw the many tubes running over the injured man's body. Barbara took Alfred's hand and squeezed it.

"We won't, Alfred." She voiced. "Make sure Bruce is taken care of. Call us if anything happens."

The three close friends shared a moment of unvoiced caring words when Barbara and Dick quietly slipped out of the warehouse and into the night. They were going to take Man-Bat, this time, without any back up from the Batman.

Barbara and Dick bounded from building to building, following the waves of 911 calls that were monitored through the Bat-Wave. So far the bulk of the calls were coming from the northern Gotham. There were lots of businesses, restaurants and people there this time of night. For being mostly bat, Man-Bat wasn't a shy creature. Swinging and bounding over buildings, Robin and Batgirl soon found themselves looking at the northern part of town. Barbara crept to the ledge of the building's roof to get a better look.

"Well, it looks like Gotham P.D. has two cars in front of that ritzy restaurant." She traced the cop cars' spotlights to the roof of the restaurant. "And they've got Man-Bat in their sights."

Sure enough, Man-Bat was hanging upside-down on a horizontal flagpole, almost looking like he was sleeping. Barbara Gordon didn't like the looks of this; it almost smelt like they've been baited for a trap. But then her thoughts were yanked off of Man-Bat as she heard Dick wheeze beside her. Barbara turned to see the sick teen having a hard time breathing because of his plugged nose.

"Are you all right?" The red-head girl asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. Dick Greyson looked up at his partner.

"I'b belt better, Mabs." The boy responded, his speech unclear due to his stuffy nose. Barbara shuttered in disgust when Dick wiped his nose on his glove.

Humming her displeasure, Batgirl pointed to Man-Bat as he hung from the flagpole.

"Check this out." Barbara motioned. "Man-Bat is just hanging there. That shouldn't be a very comfy place to sleep because of the noise and lights. What could Langstrom want here?"

"Da foob?" Dick responded before laughing and sneezing. Barbara frowned.

"No. Batman told me that Man-Bat prefers animal blood to crème fresh." She returned, her eyes narrowed. Then she grabbed an unused grapple from her utility belt. "Let's go say hi."

With that Barbara shot the tether into an adjacent building and dove off the roof. The masked red head swung across the road and landed on the restaurant's roof. Running to the ledge she peeked over. Man-Bat was right below her, still hanging there.

"Dr. Langstrom!" Batgirl shouted down to him. "Dr. Kirk Langstrom! I'm here to help you!"

Still nothing out of the monstrous humanoid bat. Barbara watched Man-Bat for a long second before the humanoid suddenly opened his wings. He let out a shriek, his ears and eyes fixing on the masked girl. In that second, Man-Bat shot a big blob of sticky mucus onto Batgirl's face. Barbara reeled with the blow and immediately clawed at the super sticky goo covering half of her face. She stumbled and nearly lost her balance. When Barbara caught herself, she hit a large support bar to the neon restaurant sign. The mucus on her hands and face stuck like glue to the metal support bar. She pulled and thrashed but was not able to free herself without ripping off half of her face.

Then Barbara heard the flapping of Man-Bat's before she felt a large thump on the roof. She knew Man-Bat was gating up to her; she could hear his claws softly scraping as he walked and his menacing growl. In that second, she felt a blast of hot breath on the side of her face. Man-Bat was standing over her, right beside her. The monstrous humanoid bat reached out and ran his taloned fingers through her long red hair, his claws catching the fabric on her back. Barbara was praying for a miracle.

Man-Bat could hear how loud the girl's heart was beating. She was scared to death. He was aware that she and Robin were on the building roof three structures away; he could hear them talking and Robin sniffling. Though Man-Bat had Batgirl in his talons and his stomach rumbled with hunger, he had no intention of hurting the girl or Robin. As the saying goes, make the rabbit squeal and the fox comes running. He was waiting for the Batman to swoop in and save his two sidekicks. Robin wasn't in trouble; at least, not yet. Then Man-Bat heard the Bat-a-rang whistle through the air.

Dick Greyson hurled that Bat-a-rang with all of his might, aiming to take off one of Man-Bat's ears. Barbara wasn't going to be his snack tonight! He watched the weapon whiz through the air and Man-Bat turn to face it. To Dick's shock, the massive humanoid bat caught the Bat-a-rang in his crooked teeth with a shrill ping.

"_Holy_-!" The masked teen boy awed as Man-Bat crushed the weapon in his jaws and spat it to the ground. Robin was now in the humanoid's crosshairs.

Man-Bat gave a loud yowl before diving at the boy. Dick shot his hand to his utility belt and gripped the sonic disrupter. He managed to press the device's button and give Man-Bat a sonic tsunami. But it was too little too late. Man-Bat was already on him. Dick was pinned to his back by a massive bat wing as he saw Man-Bat crush the sonic disrupter right in front of him.

It took a long second for Man-Bat's hearing to adjust to normal. After a blast from one of the Batman's sonic devices the humanoid bat had to recollect his senses. But when the sonic disturbia cleared, Man-Bat saw that he had Robin under his wing. All of Batman's little sidekicks were incapacitated so where was the crime fighter? Frustrated, Man-Bat leaned down and took a mouthful of the front of Robin's costume.

Dick was plucked from the ground by the front of his costume by Man-Bat's crooked jaws. The Boy Wonder thrashed as the humanoid bat carried him. Dick tried to plant a fist in Man-Bat's sensitive ear but the creature threw him with a flick of his massive neck. The masked teen righted as he came to the ground in front of Barbara. Dick drew his warrior's baton from his utility belt but by then, Man-Bat was facing him. The humanoid bat opened his mouth and spat a blob of his glue-like mucus. Dick managed to dodge most of it but it struck his shoulder. When the boy stumbled back, he tripped onto Barbara and stuck to her. Now both teens were in a pickle.

Man-Bat gave a satisfied growl as he walked up to the two teens. He could hear their hearts going at break-neck speed.

"What are you doing, Langstrom?" Robin barked. "You told Batman that you were _through_ with Man-Bat!"

To the boy's accusation, Man-Bat gave a loud shriek. He did swear to the Batman that he was trying to go down the right path but he only landed himself in hotter water. Only the Batman could help Langstrom now. The giant humanoid bat pounced and slammed a taloned hand across Robin's chest. Man-Bat snarled in his face, his fangs dripping with slime.

Then out of the night something struck the humanoid bat's head from behind. A Bat-a-rang. Man-Bat reared and yowled. It wasn't until the creature was off of him that Dick saw a dark figure bolt up behind Man-Bat and grip him in a half-nelson. But it wasn't just any dark figure, it was the _Batman_. Thunderstruck, Dick's mouth hit the ground as he watched the Batman wrestle with the giant humanoid bat.

With the extra weight on his back, Man-Bat's balance was off and he stumbled backwards and off of the building roof. Now freefalling, the humanoid bat thrust open his wings to catch himself before he and his attacker fell to the pavement below. Air bellowed over the membrane of his wings. Man-Bat and his attacker soared off into the cityscape. Over the wind whistling past him, Man-Bat heard the flapping of fabric. Now he knew who was on his back. The Batman.

Man-Bat yowled and took a sharp turn to the left, trying to shake the crime fighter. He zipped down a road lined with skyscrapers. The humanoid bat flew close to one building and bumped Batman on its brick wall. He heard a grunt of pain and then felt the Caped Crusader drop off of him. Man-Bat was stunned at how easily the Batman was shaken. Then he heard the blast from the crime fighter's grapple. In that second he felt a strong cable wrap around both of his ankles. Man-Bat growled but flew on.

Weaving in and out of the maze of buildings, Man-Bat finally emerged from the crowded city with a battered Batman still hanging onto his tether. The humanoid bat was soaring over the city's park. Man-Bat dove toward the park. Shocked people dove off of the asphalt walkway as Man-Bat zipped right over their heads. The humanoid bat took another sharp turn to the right and was aiming to head back into the city. But just as sudden as a bolt from the blue, Man-Bat was violently jerked to a stop and out of the air. The Batman was swung around a tree and used it to tie his tether to. Man-Bat found himself suddenly still and falling to the ground. The humanoid bat hit the grass with a thick thump. The drop was jarring and disorienting as Man-Bat tried to get to his knees.

Then he felt something wrapped around his neck and then pulled taunt. Man-Bat was stretched out, rack-style. The humanoid bat thrashed, flapping his wings violently. But the harder he flapped, the tighter the cable around his neck became. Man-Bat stopped struggling and caught his breath on his back. In that moment, he heard the Batman stand beside him. The humanoid bat opened his mouth and gave the crime fighter an angry squeal. Then he heard the crime fighter pull something from his utility belt. It sounded like a spray can. The Batman shook it and then a cloud of foul smelling spray washed over Man-Bat's face.

The blast of gas made Man-Bat thrash, trying to clear the stuff from his lungs. Then came the numb feeling all over his body. Langstrom felt his Man-Bat form fade as a horribly painful smile spread over his face. The man was suddenly paralyzed and not able to even to move his eyes. Dr. Kirk Langstrom could only stare into the night sky, frozen. It was only when the Batman looked down on him that he found something was very wrong. Though it was dark, Langstrom saw a big, yellow smile cast down at him from the form of the Batman. It was right then that he knew this man who had sprayed him with this paraplegic gas wasn't the Dark Knight. And then, everything went black.

Joker, who was in his Batman costume looked down at the frail-looking pale man that was once Man-Bat. Dr…. Kirk _Langstrom_ if he remembered correctly from the Batman's heroic escapades that he religiously followed. A big smile spread over Joker's face as he saw his gas take full effect on the man. It always made him happy to see that wide crazed Joker-like grin over his victims' faces. That was one less bad guy on the streets. Not bad for Joker's first evening as a stand-in for the Batman.

Then the Crime Clown heard several footfalls rush toward him. Bringing his head up, he saw the several bewildered park-patrons running toward them. Joker pulled a smoke grenade from his make-shift utility belt and threw it to the ground. No one would see which direction in which he left.

The people rushed up to the scene, only to see who they thought was the Batman, flee in a cloud of smoke. When they approached they saw a small man on his back, loose cables around his ankles and neck with each end tied to different trees. As they came closer, they saw that huge Joker-smile over his pale face.

Kirk Langstrom apparently got his wish to get out of his crooked business deals. He was nothing but a smiling vegetable now.

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	7. Crazy Cats

Ohayho everyone! CJzilla here with another update. In this chapter the Joker's evening in Bat-tights is top story. Dick isn't taking it so well and things only get... crazier when Catwoman decides to prowl. Enjoy.

As I trample this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... review.

**AN: CJzilla owns nothing of Aristophanes. I drew a pic based on this chapter on deviantArt. Visit my account at CJzilla dot deviantArt dot com to see it.**

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"Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, at which the audience never fail to laugh?"

**Aristophanes**, Frogs, 405 B.C.  
Greek Athenian comic dramatist (450 BC - 388 BC)

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Chapter 7

_Crazy Cats_

"Thank you for joining us. This is Gotham News 3." A blue-eyed grey-headed newsman nodded at the camera, welcoming the viewers that just tuned in. "This morning's top story is localized on Gotham's vigilante hero, the Batman. Last night all of Gotham was turned upside-down when the Caped Crusader savagely beaten by Penguin and Mr. Freeze. Statements from police officers confirm that the Batman was seriously injured in the fight and taken to a local hospital, which brings us to our top story. While Gotham City's hero was getting medical attention, someone _else_ ended the rampage of the monster terror known as Man-Bat, the alternate form of a Dr. Kirk Langstrom, noted geneticist turned mad scientist."

"Eyewitnesses claim that they saw someone dressed as the Batman overtake Man-Bat as it swooped over Gotham's Municipal Park late last night. After tethering the creature to two trees, this copy-cat's similarities to the Batman end there. Onlookers found Kirk Langstrom unable to move and a frozen, marred smile over his face. The investigation goes on but Gotham citizens have seen this type of horror before. This is the handy-work of Joker. As he did years before, the crazed madman impersonated and mocked the methods of his constant rival, the Batman and it seems like the Clown Prince of Crime is at it _again_. Gotham's citizens fear the worse. While the Batman fights for his life, it's anyone's guess that our city will be overrun by villains. Will the Batman's sidekicks, Robin and Batgirl, be able to fill in for their mentor or will they just be curbing the flow of crime? And will Gotham P.D. be able to keep up with the supervillains? We can only hope. Let's open up the phone lines-"

_Click_.

Alfred Pennyworth quietly switched off the television. The man let out a quiet sigh as he blinked the sleeplessness from his tired eyes. It seemed like he was unable to close his eyes since he learnt of Bruce's violent beating and critical condition. After a whirlwind of arranging Bruce to be moved out of the horribly vulnerable hospital and to a more secure location, Alfred had his responsibilities to keep his mind off his dear friend's weak condition. But now… everything around him was calm; that's when the utter tragedy of Bruce's condition was slowly taking effect.

"I can't believe it." A low, angry voice snapped Alfred out of his thoughts. "I-… just _can't_ believe it."

Turning around, the butler faced the expanse of a large storage room. His eyes first came to the hospital cot that his motionless master lie on. Then his attention came to Dick Greyson, slouching in a chair near Bruce's side with a livid look over his young face. The teen boy sat there, his arms crossed, head down with a deep scowl creasing his face; Alfred felt a rant coming on.

"There are just no words to describe what homicidal thoughts are running through my head." Dick growled. Alfred could see shame through all that anger. "The Joker didn't listen to asingle thing I said to him last night."

The prim and proper man straightened his fatigued posture and cleared his throat.

"In risk of speaking out of context Master Greyson, it was good that the Joker DIDN'T listen to you." Alfred walked over to the boy, hands neatly folded behind his back. "Had Joker heeded you, Man-Bat would be picking his teeth with your bones."

That got him a glare from under Dick's hero mask.

"Me an' Barbara had it handled, _Al_." The boy snarled. "Langstrom just caught us by surprise. _That's_ all."

Alfred raised his eyebrows to Dick, showing that he knew the young heroes were over their head. Then he sighed.

"Then you best be alert in the future, Master Greyson." The butler voiced. "Because, it's up to you and Barbara to fill in for Bruce while he's recovering."

Dick sighed, rolling his eyes and moped. Alfred swallowed once the boy's eyes were off of him. When Bruce wakes from his unconscious state, he'd want Dick and Barbara there, safe and alive; NOT in body bags. The butler blinked, banishing the thought from his mind.

"While Barbara is at school, you are on solo patrol." Alfred told the teen. "I suggest you keep your wits and your tail in the air. Who knows what kind of criminal activity Gotham's riffraff are cooking up as we speak."

Dick nodded and rubbed his eyes from behind his mask.

"Yeah, yeah, Alfred. I'm the only one in a cape; at least until three thirty." Then the teen's expression turned dark. "If I so much as _see_ Joker, I'm going to make his ears bleed! That crazy clown _still_ thinks he can impersonate Bruce! He's such a basket case!"

Alfred knew what was lying under all that animosity: shame; shame and embarrassment that Dick felt when Joker proved a better help that he and Barbara combined. If it wasn't for Joker, Robin and Batgirl might not have survived the night.

"Why not use this opportunity for the good, Master Greyson?" The butler suggested. "Instead of chastising Joker, thank him for saving you."

Dick looked up at Alfred like he just slapped himself with a dead fish.

"_What_?! That'd only encourage the freak show!" The teen shot out of his chair. "You don't get it, do you Alfred? Joker is a _criminal_! And if he thinks he can copy Bruce's alter ego, he'll have to go through _me_!"

Alfred sighed.

"I appreciate this situation, Dick." The man returned, his face softening. "I just do not understand why you are so irked. Help with crime while the Batman's down and out should give you relief. Why are you not welcoming the help?"

Dick's face creased deeply.

"Because Joker is Bruce's greatest enemy. That's why." The boy answered.

And the simplest of reasons for a very complicated situation. Alfred imagined that Bruce's two sidekicks were taking his incapacitation harder than they led on, especially Dick. The boy saw Bruce as a second-father after his parents were killed. Now Alfred knew of Dick's reasons for anger. Bruce's life's work was wrapped up in the Batman and Joker impersonating the Dark Knight could very well trash everything that Bruce had worked for.

"I see." Alfred hushed. "I'm sorry for ever questioning you."

Dick huffed and sat back down in his chair, looking over Bruce. He and Alfred shared a moment of absolute silence as they paid their respect to the battered man.

Ever since his parents were prematurely taken from him by an armed mugger, Bruce had to grow up fast. The young, traumatized boy grew into a responsible, caring and strong man. But now, a machine breathed for him as another monitored his heartbeat. Though such a heartrending sight, Bruce was not alone in his suffering.

Alfred's heart was in the pit of his stomach to see Bruce in such a frail state, with those yards of tubes running into his mouth, nose and veins. He'd cared for Bruce, from that small child to the man he is now. So seeing him injured and in a comatose state, it was like seeing a close family member in the same situation. Alfred never considered himself a parent to Bruce but he did believe he was a guardian. It took strength to be the Batman's butler but even more to be his friend.

Catwoman bolted through the door just as the maintenance man left the safety deposit building. The sound of the lithe costumed woman passing gracefully behind him, the man figured was a gust of big city wind. The maintenance man yawned and got in his vehicle, unaware that he'd just let in a cat.

Selina Kyle a.k.a. Catwoman made her way through the sterile halls making careful sure that her collar was up over her mouth and nose as she passed each security camera. The masked woman felt a smile curl over her face as she walked through the hall, to the lobby. She heard voices from the security personnel; the morning move had begun.

During the day, the rich and powerful used this odd safety deposit business like an art museum; their most prized possessions were set out in the lobby, much like displaying the treasures as exhibit. But at night- at night the most expensive archive items were moved from displays to a bulletproof, bomb-proof and cat-proof safe. Catwoman planned this perfectly. It was during the morning move, just before the doors are opened to the public, that the feline femme fatal put her pilfering plan into process.

She carefully hugged a wall as the hallway she was cat-walking down gave into the large lobby. Her blue eyes, covered by orange tinted goggles came to the object of her current desire.

"The Egyptian Mau breeding secrets." The lean woman grinned. "Mew mew."

Catwoman observed that the four stocky security guards had not yet moved the tablet of old paper. Seeing that the guards had no firearms, just police sanctioned night-sticks, Selina Kyle shrugged off her normal stealthy style. Standing straight, raising her chin and propping up her chest, the curvy woman strutted out into the open.

The four security guards were busy unloading a display of broaches and had their backs to her. Catwoman easily approached the display and glanced at the four men. Frowning slightly, easy jobs like this were a bore. Since the Batman was injured, she had only the paltry security and trivial police; hardly a challenge. Grunting in anger, Catwoman raked her claws over the glass case containing the old text.

Flinching at the loud, grating sound the four guards whirled around. Imagine their surprise to see the infamous Catwoman, clawing at their front door.

"I've seen cat toys with better attention spans, boys." The woman quipped, cocking her hip. Then she busted her fist through the weakened glass case.

The men gasped as Catwoman gripped the book. Three of the four men drew their night-sticks while the fourth ran over to the nearest wall and hit the security alarm. Selina giggled as the building went into lock down.

"And I thought this was going to be an exciting evening." She voiced as she faked a yawn. Catwoman pocketed the tablet from the 1950s and drew her whip from around her tiny waist. "I'll have you boys know, I'm never a cheap date."

As the guards charged at her, Catwoman cracked her whip. The whip scored one man across the bridge of his nose, instantly making him flinch and stop in his tracks. The other men did the same moves Selina had seen over and over. Rolling her eyes, the woman easily sidestepped and avoided every blow.

"Thrust, thrust." Catwoman narrated as the men swung their weapons at her in an effort to immobilize her. "Swing and a miss. Swing and a near miss but still, no hit."

Doing a powerful windmill kick, the female thief easily KOed the nearest man. The other two were easily dispatched as their gruff strokes left their jaws unprotected. One rock-hard heel to their faces and both men were knocked unconscious. Catwoman sighed and flipped to her feet.

"Those are the same old moves." The woman tied her whip around her waist. "Doesn't anyone have some originality anymore?"

She huffed and walked over to the man holding his hurting face, where her whip had given him a strike. Catwoman gave his main shoulder nerve a pinch. The move sent his body into overload and unconsciousness. She sucked her teeth at the unconscious man.

"Hardly worth a cat scratch." Selina dropped her collar from her face. Then she caught sight of the large safe, still open and the valuable items inside were winking at her. "Ooo. And what do we have here?"

The female thief traipsed into the safe and looked over the safety deposit boxes. She still had roughly five minuets or so before the police got here; she could spare a curious glance over the knickknacks of the wealthy.

Catwoman picked about two locks and took two small items from separate deposit boxes. One was a gold scepter with a lion icon and the other was a pendant that looked like a cat's eye. Selina tucked both into her brown satchel. The woman gave a contented sigh as she exited the safe.

"Satisfied like a cat with a saucer of milk." Catwoman patted her bag. Then her honed instincts told her that someone was right in front of her.

Snapping her eyes up, she nearly crashed into a tall, shady form. Selina couldn't hold in a surprised gasp as she took two steps back. The figure stood there, his white eyes shining in the dim light. It took just a second for Catwoman came back to her senses and recognize who was in front of her. It was the Batman! She'd know that dark yet masculine presence anywhere!

"Batman." Selina whispered, joy shutting her throat. "You're all right!"

She witnessed the Batman's eyes narrow.

"I wasn't expecting you, here." Catwoman regained her cougar-like swagger. "You wouldn't _believe_ the jokers I've had to contend with since you were injured."

Looking over her crush's shoulder, she glanced at the four security guards. Catwoman then gave the Batman her best seductive smile.

"But now you're here and I'm as guilty as a fat cat in a canary cage." Selina let her bag slowly drip off of her shoulder and drop to the ground. She held open her hands to show that she was empty handed and longing for what the Batman had to offer.

Expecting the Batman to come running into her arms, he just stood there. Catwoman giggled.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" She put her hands on her hips. Still nothing out of the Caped Crusader. "All right then, play hard to get. This kitty will get a hold of your tongue."

With than Catwoman lunged at the Batman. She slammed her hands across his chest, throwing off his balance. Selina pushed as the man tripped backwards, trying to retake his balance. It wasn't until the Batman's back met the nearest wall that Catwoman pinned him there with her body.

And she slammed her mouth over his, diving right into him. The Batman's body was tense under her, almost like he was surprised. Selina's brow creased with frustration; his hesitation was _killing_ her. It wasn't until she deepened the kiss that she found something horribly wrong. Where was the man's perfectly even teeth? His fresh taste? Why was his belt poking her in the stomach? And _why_ did he smell like exhaust fumes?!

Selina hummed and brought her hands to the man's head, still kissing him. Her fingers laced with his mask. In that second, Catwoman jumped back, ripping her mouth off of his and yanking off the man's mask.

"I knew it!" She looked at the black poorly sewn mask in her hands. "You're no Batman! You're-!"

And then she looked up. The look of absolute horror came to her face when she saw who she'd kissed so passionately. There, before her was the _Joker_! In all his pasty faced, yellow-teethed, green-haired, surprised glory.

"J-J-Joker?!" The woman stumbled backwards, dropping the Batman mask. "W-W-Wha-…?!"

The insane harlequin stood from leaning on the wall and wiped his mouth with his black glove. For his normal smiley self, the Joker's face was pretty straight, save for a subtle delightfully bowled over smirk dancing on his thin red lips.

"The cat and the bat… go figure." His face finally cracked into a full-on Joker smile. The villain dressed as a hero began to walk toward Catwoman. "And for the record, … _you _kissed me."

The horrified woman just stumbled back, gaping at Joker. The clown bent over and picked up his mask.

"The Clown Prince of Crime is standing in for the Batman. So while my best fri-enemy is recovering, you are looking at the newest Batman model." Joker began, opening the mask. When he slipped the fabric back over his head, his demeanor changed 360. "But since it seems that you and I have got a history together, I won't gas you."

Selina's brain finally caught up to her. The woman gave an angry cat-hiss as she bared her claws.

"WE never had a history together, Joker!" She snarled. If she had fur, it'd be standing on end right now.

"I'm the Batman, Catwoman." The costumed Joker stated, his face straight and his voice steely. "Now give yourself up."

Selina gritted her teeth, the taste of his tongue still in her mouth.

"Shut up! You're _no_ Batman!" She shot back, shoulders rigid. Then she saw that subtle delightful smirk on the Joker's mouth.

"That's not what you said half a second ago, _kitty_." Catwoman saw the madman lick his lips, savoring her flavor. The furious female thief gave a cat yowl and dove at the masked clown.

The Laughing Bat easily avoided her initial disemboweling slash and went on the defensive, watching the seriously shocked and angered woman swipe at him.

"Since when did you care if the Batman survived a near fatal injury?!" Catwoman snarled, finding it furiously frustrating that she couldn't dig her claws into the Joker. "You'd sooner laugh and dance on his _grave_ than don his costume!"

The Laughing Bat sidestepped and blocked a dangerous kick to his face. As Catwoman's foot was on his arm, he seized her ankle. Pulling the catty woman to him, he swung an arm around her waist and pushed her against the wall.

"That's where you're wrong, Catwoman." The Laughing Bat voiced. "There is something you have in common with Joker: neither of you can live without the Batman. Batman is Joker's only real sparring partner, only real enemy and the only real friend in his life. The Joker's doing a favor to his friend; a token to make sure the Batman gets back onto his feet as soon as possible while making sure his work doesn't pile up. That being said, the Joker would rather send Bats to his grave himself than have a two-bit bird-brained villain and an over-grown ice cube do it for him!"

His other hand shot inside his cape. Merely half a second later, something was wrapped on Catwoman's wrist. The Laughing Bat spun her, untangling her whip from her waist. While he shot the tether from his grapple, the Laughing Bat snapped the whip around the feline femme fatal's ankles.

Selina's wrist was tied to the rope of the grapple and as it was driven into the ceiling, the Joker bound her feet together. With a surprised gasp, Catwoman was propelled into the air by the grapple. By the time the grapple hit the ceiling and Selina stopped her ascent, she was all ready _high_ off the ground. She knew she wouldn't take a fall like this without hurting herself. Selina looked quite that catty piñata.

Grunting in frustration, embarrassment and a little charm, the woman looked down.

"Uh! JOKER!" Catwoman fumed, her angry voice echoing through the safety deposit building. She observed the masked clown make an exit much like the original Batman would.

With a yank of his cape, Joker started for the door.

"The Batman, kitty cat. I'm the Batman." The insane harlequin called back, his footfalls making no sound as he left the building.

Then the sound of police sirens reached Selina's ears. She groaned. Wrapped up like a gift and by _the Joker_ no less! He was even more twisted than she once thought! But she'd have to admit; if it wasn't for the obvious physical differences, the Clown Prince of Crime pulled off the Batman well. He had every little detail about the masked crime fighter down, and Selina had seen enough of the Batman to say she knew him VERY well. Though thoroughly embarrassed, Catwoman now saw the Joker in a new light.

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R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	8. Barmy Bank

Ohayho everyone! CJzilla here with another update. Sorry, it's been a crazy week. In this chapter our little Laughing Bat teams up with Batgirl and Robin, even if it's just for a short battle. Enjoy.

As I trample this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... Review.

**AN: CJzilla owns nothing of Mr. Bukowski.**

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_"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." _

**Charles Bukowski**, _From "Betting on the Muse"_  
_US (German-born) author & poet (1920 - 1994)_

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Chapter 8

_Barmy Bank_

Two o'clock, Gotham Reserves. One of the biggest banks in the downtown Gotham financial district was being stalked by two powerful supervillains. Across from the bank a masked man in an overcoat watched the wealthy hop out of their expensive cars and stockpile all of their silver spoons inside. Bane had been without a decent payday in months. Life didn't come cheap to this South American mercenary and the Batman made it hard for an honest criminal to score. But now… now a smile spread over Bane's masked face as he eyed the reserve. The Batman was out of the picture and the shoppin' was easy.

"Time to go to work." Bane said to himself, bringing his wrist up to his face. The criminal twisted the dial on his hand and the glorious venom was released into his veins.

In an instant, a black market steroid was pumped through tubes running the expanse of his body. As soon as the venom touched his tissue, Bane's form altered. The man's muscles rippled and mutated to gigantic, exaggerated size. Now able to tower over people and to crush the bumper of a car with a flex of his hand, Bane held a twisted smile as he stepped toward the bank. The mass of muscle moved across the street and as cars swerved to avoid the supervillain, Bane swatted them out of his way.

"No valor mi tiempo." The supervillain grunted as he tossed a car, with the horrified driver still inside it, across the street and into the fourth story of a business building.

Undaunted, Bane stomped toward the bank and broke through the gaudy entrance. Rubble rained over the people inside as the monstrous mercenary stepped into the extravagant lobby. People stared in horror at the tall, muscle-covered man with the red skin and mask.

"Out… NOW!" Bane barked, taking a teller's desk in hand and crushing it. As the desk was broken into tiny pieces, panicking people began running for all exits.

The South American man gave a scoff and dropped the remains of the desk as feeing people screamed bloody-murder.

"Idiots." Bane grumbled. At least they were RICH idiots.

Bane marched forward, aiming for the vault, cracking his knuckles as he did. But then suddenly he just stopped. Bane blinked. Why did his feet freeze to the floor? The answer came crawling up his leg.

Looking down, Bane discovered a thick vine suddenly growing from the floor and rapidly wrapping around his leg. Surprised, the massive man yanked his foot out of the plant's stranglehold and ripped the rest of it off of him. Bane stumbled around and caught sight of his attacker.

"Hell-O, big boy." Chirped a young, teen girl with thick red hair rolled into rose-like buns on the sides of her head. She was clad in a green leaf-like strapless dress and cocked her hips at Bane. "Come here often?"

The big man narrowed his eyes at the flirty teen. She was different; not a child of the wealthy so there was no reason why she was here.

"What is your purpose here?" Bane cut to the chase, relaxing his stance; she was just a little girl. How much of a concern could she be to _Bane_?

The red-headed girl gave a big grin and brushed her fingertips up her cheek.

"Why, I'm here to rob this bank." She responded coolly, setting her hands on her hips. "And I take it that's what you're doing."

Bane's yellow eyes widened, shocked.

"You? A little girl? _Rob_ a bank?" The man made no effort to bite down a mocking laugh. The South American mercenary continued laughing as he turned his back on the crazy girl and advanced on the safe.

Then suddenly, Bane was yanked off of his feet and hung upside-down about four feet off of the ground. He barely had time to blink when he realized what had grasped him. Vines; the same vines that had wrapped around his legs were now around his bulky frame. Bane felt the plant constrict, threatening to pinch off the venom from reaching his veins and to a greater extent, squeeze the breath out of him. The big man gritted his teeth as he writhed in the plant's grasp.

"Apparently you do not know who I am, tiny." Bane heard the young girl's voice in front of him. He looked up to see the teen looking him in the face. "I am Poison Ivy and I've robbed a bank or two in my short lifetime."

She leaned back, pursed her lips and tapped her foot; she was waiting for something from him. Bane came out of his stupor and flexed his muscles. The sinews of the fibrous plant shredded under his immense strength. Bane dropped to the floor and glared down at the girl.

"Poison Ivy. Oh, yes; I've heard of you." The large man folded his massive arms, eyes narrowed. His face twisted with a thought that never left his head.

"And?" The red-head looked insulted. Bane shrugged.

"That's all, niña." He answered coolly. Then he dropped his arms and gave her a threatening glare. "_This_ is my score."

Again Bane turned and continued toward the bank vault. This time Poison Ivy allowed him to move unhindered; she was curious and held back from flattening him for disrespecting her.

Bane gripped the huge steel turntable on the vault door. With a yank, the reinforced steel door buckled and he tossed it to the side like a crumpled soda can. The South American mercenary passed through the opened vault and began plundering its insides. Bane emerged less than a minuet later, sacks of money and gold flung over each shoulder; all that he could carry. Poison Ivy was seated on the crushed vault door, casually filing her nails. That made Bane stop and quirk a brow at her.

"What are you doing?" The South American questioned. The red-head looked up from her nails.

"Oh, just taking my time. Since the Batman's going to be eating his meals through a straw for the next six months, I can afford to take time and watch you unload my money." Ivy responded, a glimmer of spunk in her green eyes. Bane's eyes narrowed dangerously at her.

"I will warn you against making me angry, Poison Ivy." The man growled. With that he huffed and made for the door.

He heard the girl hop off of her seat and stand behind him.

"Better for a meat-headed juggernaut to be the pack mule than my plants." Ivy jeered. Bane stopped cold before slowly turning to her. "I was considering allowing you to keep some of this big score but since you don't know how to talk to a lady, you're going to have to find another bank to rip off."

The South American mercenary gave the girl a death glare. But he said nothing. After a long second, Bane turned and continued toward the door. He was nearly on the sidewalk when he felt his money being lifted off of him. Bane could have easily lashed out and grabbed it, but he was curious; who or what was strong enough to lift at least five hundred pounds of gold? To his surprise, he saw a large fern, its stringy appendages wrapped around his stolen goods.

His mouth steadily dropped to the ground before Poison Ivy walked out of the bank. The red-headed girl placed a delicate hand on the thick trunk of her fern and gave the gaping Bane a smile.

"A normal blade of grass can split asphalt. Just imagine what a fern this size is capable of." Ivy beamed at Bane. The South American mercenary dropped his awed look, which was replaced by anger.

"Return my spoils to me. _Now_." He hissed. At seeing a violent anger coming over the bigger criminal, Ivy merely grinned.

"These are mine now. Surrender to the better supervillain." The teen grinned as the fern brought the bags of gold to her. Bane had enough.

The large muscle-bound man began stalking toward Poison Ivy.

"Bane surrenders to no one." Bane stood in front of the girl, easily dwarfing her. He cracked his knuckles and dropped his hands to his sides. "Enough games, niña."

There was no fear on the girl's face, just a confidence that Bane couldn't help but respect- inwardly, at least. Ivy chuckled.

"Here's a better idea, Bane." She began. The she brought her hand to her lips and blew Bane a kiss. "You will carry the money for me."

The merc gave her a confused look; he was sure that this girl was insane. But then the half-plant/half-human girl's blown kiss wrapped around his mind and her mind-controlling spores took effect.

Ivy smiled when she saw that blank, obedient look wash over Bane's angry features. She reached out and patted him on the cheek.

"Good boy, Bane." The girl congratulated. "Now pick up the money."

Without uttering a word, the massive mercenary straightened and walked over to the fern. Gripping the heavy sacks of gold and money, Bane returned to the teen's side like an obedient dog. Ivy gave a contented sigh; how did she ever live without mind control? Looking down the street and up the street, the girl saw no signs of the police or Robin and Batgirl. Life was sweet.

"Come, Bane." Ivy spoke to her docile henchman. The merc gently wrapped his beef hand around the girl and placed her on his shoulder. "Let's take the scenic route back to HQ."

Bane took a step toward uptown when a Bat-a-rang whistled through the air. The weapon hit one of the bags of gold and bounced off the precious metal bars with a ping. The sack was shredded and Ivy and Bane's loot fell to the sidewalk. Ivy gasped as the gold fell at Bane's feet. She jerked her head upwards and her eyes widened when she saw the form of the Batman standing on a ledge across the street. Ivy couldn't believe her eyes.

"T-t-the Batman." She stammered, eyes as big as dinner plates.

"Withdrawing from other people's savings is considered a felony." The Dark Knight's voice rang out over the silent street.

There was something different about the Batman; his voice was _WAY_ off and he appeared about five inches shorter. The girl laughed, rocking back on Bane's shoulder. Then she wiped her eyes and looked at the copy-cat bat.

"You're not the Batman." Ivy growled. "Just some stupid super fan trying to take his place. You're crazy if you think you can fight his battles, let alone me."

And then the man dropped to the street below and stood before Ivy and the hypnotized Bane. The girl got a better look at the cape and cowl. Her eyes widened again.

"I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't a Batty super fan-," the masked man's pale mouth erupted into a yellow, crooked smile. He slinked forward, "or crazy."

At that moment, Ivy recognized who was under that poorly stitched mask.

"_Joker_? Is that you?" The teen squinted her eyes, peering carefully at the man. She should have known; that big smile was infamous of the Clown Prince of Crime.

Joker held his smile on her for a long second before it faded. His lips were straight as he looked between Poison Ivy and the currently entranced Bane.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The Laughing Bat finally questioned, arching an eyebrow. Ivy got an irritated look on her face; he'd obviously stuck a very sensitive nerve.

"Drop dead, Joker!" The teen girl spat back, the plants behind her rattling with her anger. Then her expression turned darkly angry. "If you don't get out of here-"

Just then a small explosive sphere was thrown from the roof of the bank. The mini bomb hit the giant fern behind Poison Ivy and Bane, blowing it into tiny pieces. Ivy cried out, just like she was feeling the pain of her plant as it disintegrated. Both she and the Laughing Bat looked upwards. Perched right above the street was Robin and Batgirl.

"Game over, freaks." Robin hissed. He looked at Ivy, Bane and the Laughing Bat. "ALL of you."

Robin's face creased to an even deeper frown when he gaze settled on the Laughing Bat. Poison Ivy gritted her teeth at the two crime fighters.

"You'll PAY for that!" The girl roared, her bright green eyes fogging over with a dark hostility. As she glared at Robin and Batgirl, the smoldering plant stub behind her began to tremble.

The giant fern miraculously healed itself and branched out into four separate stocks. Each stock shot to the building roof above and crushed the marble building face. The front of the structure gave way under the plant's strength. Robin and Batgirl were now freefalling to the ground. Robin shot his grabble across the street while Batgirl clung to one of the fern's stocks. At Ivy's mental command, the plant wrapped around the girl hero's body in mid-air; coiling around Batgirl like a large snake before she hit the ground.

Robin a.k.a. Dick Greyson landed on the sidewalk across the street from Poison Ivy and the hypnotized Bane. When Dick brought his eyes up, he spotted Barbara in the clutches of one of Ivy's super plants.

"Batgirl!" The teen boy called out. He merely caught Ivy's attention.

The red-headed beauty gave the boy a smirk.

"Bane." She said to the mass of mercenary muscle whose shoulder she was sitting on. "Be a good mindless beef-cake and take down Robin and the-… Joker, uh… bat. I've got Batgirl."

Ivy hopped off of Bane's shoulder and stood to watch the spellbound muscle man trudge toward the masked Joker and Robin. The Laughing Bat merely narrowed his eyes at Bane as he began running and picking up speed. But before he could move a muscle, Robin shot in front of him and readied a Bat-a-rang. The teen hero let it fly. The weapon struck Bane in the head but didn't faze the supervillain. Robin let out a sharp gasp before he and the Laughing Bat dove out of the way.

Barbara Gordon squirmed under the might of the giant super-fern. It was no use; the plant had her in a vice.

"Well, well, _Bat_girl." She heard the chipper voice of her best friend, Pamela Isley or what she is NOW: Poison Ivy. Barbara looked up at Pamela, through the eyeholes of her mask. "If I didn't hate you before you busted me and my crusade to save the Gotham Park, I surly hate you _now_."

The bright red-headed high school student turned supervillain glanced over at the base of her injured super-fern.

"Don't do this Pamela." Barbara called Ivy by her real name. "You've still got a chance to redeem yourself."

For a second, Ivy's green eyes grew distant as she thought about Batgirl's offer. But then the half-human/half-plant hybrid gave a smile.

"You appreciate living things, don't you Batgirl?" The teen villainess questioned. "That's good. As soon as my super-fern squeezes the life out of you, you can be mulch for my hungry green darlings."

As those words left Ivy's mouth, Barbara felt the fern's grasp tighten. She did her best to resist the coiling stem but she felt her breath being pushed out of her.

Across the street Robin tossed several explosive pellets at Bane. The tranced South American mercenary kept advancing and blowing past every attack the Boy Wonder could throw at him. Bane then seized a car, tore off its hood and threw it shuriken-style at Dick. The teen held his breath as he fell to his knees, knowing he couldn't escape the car hood. Just before the flattened piece of metal decapitated him, a Bat-a-rang flew through the air and struck the hood. The make-shift weapon clanked to the side, tumbled down the street and sliced into a brick wall. Dick barely had time to stand when the Laughing Bat dropped off of a window ledge and down to his side.

"You all right, Boy Wonder?" The masked Joker questioned, hand on the boy's arm, helping him to his feet. Dick yanked his arm out of Joker's hand.

"Knock it off, Joker! I told you to _buzz off_ and keep your pasty nose in your criminal activities!" The teen fumed, giving the Laughing Bat the stink eye.

For a moment, Joker's smile spread over his face.

"Still wound tighter than a straight-jacket, eh _Rob_in?" The Clown Prince of Crime peeked out of his Batman costume. Then he pressed two fingers on Dick's chest and pushed. "I just saved your life, peewee. You'd be _HALF_ the hero you are now if I was up to my same old shtick."

Dick swatted Joker's hand away.

"Shut up, you loon! You're on your way to handcuffs and a matching pair of Arkham bars if you don't _BACK OFF_!" The teen spat in the Laughing Bat's face. Joker just raised an eyebrow.

"Watch your butt." The Laughing Bat stated, face as straight as a pin.

"_What_?" Dick balled his fists, ready to punch the man. Just then the Batman's stand-in whirled his arm and cape around the boy and dived to the pavement.

As Dick hit the hard ground, he heard something fly down the street, break glass and making a car alarm sound.

"Watch your butt." Joker's voice was in his ear. So that's what he meant.

When Joker got off of him, the boy looked up and saw the rest of the car Bane was dismantling and hurling at them compacted on another car- down the street. Dick didn't have time to stand when he heard the Laughing Bat growl in anger.

"Enough play time, Bane." Again, Joker's disposition changed 360; now he was in full-on _Batman_ mode.

Dick got to his feet and watched the Laughing Bat race toward Bane. The venom-altered mercenary turned to the man and began running toward him. Picking up speed, Bane and the Laughing Bat collided. The much larger Bane tackled the caped Joker and both tumbled to the ground.

Dick cursed at the Joker's insanity, knowing that he had to at _least_ have a ruptured spleen. The teen hero raced toward Bane and the Laughing Bat, expecting the worst. Then he heard the hiss of a spray can and then Bane's mind-controlled silence turn into laughter. The South American mercenary's trickle of giggles turned into gut-busting, dangerous laughter. Bane rocked back to his knees, dropping the Laughing Bat.

The Boy Wonder was surprised to see the can of spray in Joker's hand as he stood from the ground, stiff but seemingly uninjured. Dick looked at Bane. The muscle-bound mercenary's head was tilted to the sky, his face disfigured with a wide, demented Joker-smile. This was _exactly_ how the police found Dr. Kirk Langstrom! So it _was_ Joker!

Dick was astounded but at the same time, disturbed; was this type of force necessary?

"One way to stop a freight train." He heard the Laughing Bat say, his voice steely and unyielding. Dick looked at the crazed man pretending to be his mentor.

He opened his mouth to say something when he heard his name called across the street.

"Robin!" It was Barbara and she sounded like she was on her last breath. Dick whirled in his friend's direction, horrified to see her getting crushed by Poison Ivy's plant.

"Batgirl!" The boy choked out, racing toward her. Scrambling for a Bat-a-rang, Dick let it fly.

The sharp weapon struck the plant, slicing half into it. Ivy, seated on the steps, gasped violently.

"HEY!" Ivy snarled. Suddenly the super-fern swayed dangerously before it toppled like a felled tree.

Dick dodged the collapsing super-fern and threw another Bat-a-rang at Poison Ivy. The red-headed teen tumbled to the side as the weapon chipped the marble stairs where she was once before. Ivy opened her eyes and was suddenly staring into a spray can nozzle.

"Pleasant thoughts, Pamela." The Laughing Bat stated and pressed down on the nozzle. A cloud of Joker gas filled Ivy's face.

She smiled and giggled, but as the Laughing Bat relaxed, she frowned.

"That won't work on me." The girl smirked. "And to ensure you listen better…"

Ivy placed her hand to her lips and blew Joker a kiss. The teen watched the man, expecting him to become as docile as a daisy. But the Laughing Bat's face merely twisted with confusion.

"There are no brownie points for blowing kisses." The Joker quirked a brow. Ivy's mouth dropped open.

_NO_ one could resist her mind-controlling spores! Even the Batman fell under her spell! Heck, even when laced with kryptonite, the mighty Superman was bent to her will! In her shock, the red head felt something clank across her wrists and snap tight. When Ivy looked down, she saw that her hands were inside a copy-cat version of the Batman's cuffs. The girl snapped her eyes upwards. But then she saw the Joker's fist cranked back.

"Lights out." And the Laughing Bat raked his fist across the girl's jaw. Poison Ivy's ragdoll body fell limp on the steps.

As soon as its controller was unconscious, the super-fern relaxed its grip on Barbara. Dick, who was hacking his way through the fibrous stock, saw the plant loosen. He caught Batgirl before she hit the ground. The girl was squeezed within an inch of the breaking point but as soon as he saw her take in that first deep breath, the he too released a sigh.

"You all right, Babs?" The teen whispered to his friend. Barbara looked up at him.

"I've just been given a super-hug, by a plant. What do you think?" She quipped. Dick smiled; she was going to be all right.

Just then they both heard the wind move through fabric. The Laughing Bat was standing over them.

"Not bad for one day's catch." Joker grinned. "One monster and the creature she was controlling."

Batgirl sat up as Robin stood.

"You are deranged." The boy hissed. The Laughing Bat shrugged, maintaining his grin.

"Do I hear a "thank you" in between that embittered insult?" Joker cupped his ear and leaned closer to Dick. The boy took a step back.

"You took it too far, Joker." Dick stated sternly, glancing at the unconscious Poison Ivy and the Joker smile on Bane. The Laughing Bat had a stubborn look on his face.

"What?" Joker pleaded. "The plant girl is KOed and the muscle mass is laughing! What's with the face?"

Robin still had that angry look on his face. Joker crossed his arms and pouted like a child.

"I was just trying to help." He mumbled and turned his back.

Joker felt a hand on his shoulder.

"We appreciate the help, Joker." It was Batgirl. The supervillain turned his head to look at the masked girl.

"We really do." Batgirl said sincerely. "Just next time, be nicer."

Joker tried not to roll his eyes because being nice was such a foreign thing to him.

"Next time." The Laughing Bat sighed and managed a grin.

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Review! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	9. Peculiar Peacock

Hello everyone! CJzilla here with another update! In this chapter it's been exactly one month since Joker donned his Laughing Bat costume. Crime's at a low but there's one thing still fresh in Joker's mind. Enjoy.

As I rampages all over this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... Review.

**AN: CJzilla owns nothing of Mr. Emmons.**

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_"Insanity destroys reason, but not wit."_

**Nathaniel Emmons**

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Chapter 9

_Peculiar Peacock_

The Laughing Bat crouched on the ledge of a building and watched the police on the street below. Across the city block was a jewelry store that had escaped being plundered by Ragdoll a.k.a. Peter Merkel, the triple-jointed contortionist. Now Gotham P.D. was loading Merkel into the back of an ambulance; apparently Joker Gas was _bad_ for your health!

Joker allowed a tiny grin to stretch over his face. Another night in Bat tights, another criminal sent to the cooler laughing their heads off. Was he doing a good job cleaning up Gotham or what? Bat-Breath would be proud. Well, the Batman would be proud but his sidekicks were another headache all together.

Tonight Robin was especially surly. Maybe because the Laughing Bat beat him to another criminal? This good guy stuff was never Joker's style but he was proving to be a more prompt hero than Batsy's sidekicks. The Laughing Bat all ready had Merkel gassed and gift-wrapped for incarceration by the time they swung in. There was a flurry of embittered words from the Boy Wonder, some attempted damage control by Batgirl and Joker was left to laugh it off. It was the usual.

But no matter how many small time and big time criminals he busted, the Laughing Bat would always enjoy the looks of surprise. Who would have thought? Joker? Being Batman? Crazy! _In_sane! And after, their faces would twist with fear as Joker gave them a healthy dose of his laughing gas. By the time the police arrived each lawbreaker was tied, silent and _happy_ to see them! The permanent smile on their faces was a clear indication that the Laughing Bat had not given up all of his Joker traits.

"My batty gut tells me that I'm going to see a lot of action tonight, kiddies." And there was a glimpse of the Clown Prince of Crime as a Joker smile suddenly brightened his face. "So stay frosty."

Dick Greyson sat in the Bat-Cave tapping the eraser end of his pencil on the desk of the Bat-Wave's computer console. The teen boy kept glancing up from his homework to the large screen in front of him. Dick was hoping for the Bat-Wave to ring so he could throw on his Robin costume and give chase to whatever crime raised its head. The raven haired boy shifted in his seat for the umpteenth time. Gotham couldn't be that well behaved tonight! This was GOTHAM. There were more supervillains per block in this city than any other city in the States!

"Come on!" Dick hissed at the screen. "I don't have all night."

Just then the elevator to the manor above dinged. Dick sat up in his chair and glanced over to the elevator. The doors opened and Bruce Wayne was pushed out by Alfred. The Batman's mild-mannered alter-ego had his left leg in a thick plaster cast and his current mode of transport was an unglamorous wheelchair.

"I don't think doing your math homework in the Bat-Cave will help your grades, Dick." Bruce gave his young ward a smirk. The boy's mouth curled into an irritated sneer.

"I'm just fine, thank you." Dick growled, turning back to his math paper. Bruce's smirk fell as he glanced up at Alfred.

His butler sighed and walked over to the teen.

"Master Greyson, your math homework does not include religiously reading today's newspaper either." Alfred spotted the crinkled, over-read Gotham Tribunal as soon as he left the elevator. He took it and returned back to Bruce's side.

"Hey! My method for doing math just so happens to include reading the news." The teen was defiant but lying. Bruce took the paper from Alfred and glanced over the headlines.

He'd read this paper this morning and watched the news channel; Bruce knew exactly why Dick constantly had it with him.

""The Laughing Bat: One Month of Gassing Lawbreakers"." The man read the title. He looked up at the teen boy.

Dick had a sickened look on his face.

"It is my understanding that it has been exactly one month since the Batman was defeated by Penguin and Mr. Freeze." Alfred spoke. "And thirty days since Joker has slipped into his set of Batman tights."

Bruce nodded.

"I've seen the news and read the paper. They say that crime has struck a monthly low." The man stated. Then Bruce frowned at the teen boy. "Dick, we've had this discussion all ready."

The teen shot a glare at his mentor.

"I'm not standing by and letting Joker make a mockery of the Batman, Robin and Batgirl, Bruce." Dick stated, looking irate. Bruce maintained his frown.

"Of I am aware. But until I am healed enough to stand, you are to continue with your life and duties and stop taking Joker's new look so personally." Bruce stated, giving Dick a steely stare. The boy pinched his eyes shut.

"It's not so easy tolerating that freak. I liked him better when he was just a clown and not a clown in bat tights." Dick expressed scribbling on his math test. Bruce took the wheels of his wheelchair and wheeled his way over to the boy.

Aside from the fact that he was the world's greatest detective, Bruce knew the teen well enough to know that there was more to what was making Dick churn than he was leading on.

"He's STILL a menace to society." Dick added, raking his eraser on his scribbles. "Do you know how many vials of Joker antidote we had to hand over to the police in one month? If Joker's going to take on a hero's role, we might as well start charging money for the antidotes!"

"Crime has also dropped, Dick." Bruce stated. "Joker's strategy is effective."

Dick shot the man a glare.

"How can you defend that lunatic? He's costing you money and a good rep." The raven-haired boy barked back. Bruce's face was calm. "Of all people, I thought you'd be fighting back."

Bruce glanced down at his plaster leg.

"I won't be fighting for at least another week, Dick." The man explained. "Though I'm pleased with the crime statistics, I do not trust Joker in the boots of a hero. But until I'm able to get back my cape and cowl, we are going to have to tolerate him."

The blue-eyed billionaire paused and examined Dick.

"Is Joker's potency as a hero threatening you?" Bruce asked. The boy sneered and looked back at his math homework.

"I'm just fed up with Joker trying to be like you." Dick returned glancing over his first math problem. "It's as disturbing as it is irritating."

Then the boy looked at Bruce.

"He considers you his only friend, Bruce." Dick stated. The man's face was expressionless.

"You're avoiding my question Dick." Bruce responded. Dick growled tapping his pencil on the desk.

"Well, I'm not so happy with Joker constantly beating me and Barbara to the punch, either." The boy added. "He canned Ragdoll about two minuets before we got there. And he hung around to tell us that too."

Bruce frowned, remembering the news clip he watched just before coming down to the Bat-Cave. Despite the uncanny resemblance and methodology to the Caped Crusader, the Joker had gotten anything but a welcome from the Batman's sidekicks. Someone had filmed Dick popping off on the "Laughing Bat". A bystander took a short clip sequence as the Laughing Bat was seen going toe-to-toe with Killer Croc, also known as Waylon Jones. The footage rolled and just as the Laughing Bat had gassed the genetically-altered ex-military man, Robin jumped in from out of nowhere and clocked him while his back was turned. The Boy Wonder went after Joker, allowing Croc to slip away. Bruce was not worried about Waylon Jones because he was later apprehended when Joker's laughing gas took full effect.

Bruce would never encourage Dick and Barbara to work with Joker, just to tolerate him. Bruce appreciated the break from crime fighting as he healed, though he never thought help would come from Joker. The Clown Prince of Crime was effective; cruel and vindictive but effective. At the end of the day, no matter how many times he cracked criminals, Joker was still dangerous.

"So that's why you're down here: to keep an ear on Bat-Wave." Bruce quipped, smirking a little. Dick looked up at him and grinned.

"The world's greatest detective, ladies and gentlemen." The boy waved to an invisible audience. Alfred sighed.

"You're not spending the night down here, are you Master Greyson?" The proper butler questioned, quirking a concerned eyebrow. "Because if that's the case, I shall fetch a sleeping bag."

Bruce and Dick quirked a brow at the butler.

"No, not necessary Alfred." Bruce waved his hand in an answer. "Dick will spend the night, in his own bed."

He gave the boy a look that allowed no argument.

"I just want to get one up on the clown. Just ONE." Dick held up a finger and made a pleading face. Then he turned back to the super computer. "As soon as this baby rings, I'm outta here!"

Bruce and Alfred exchanged glances and gave silent sighs. There was no ripping Dick away from the Bat-Wave. If they were lucky, the Bat-Wave would never ring and the teen would fall asleep. But it promised to be a restless night.

Across town an abandoned warehouse stood next to a busy train system and the Gotham Bay. Once a bustling storage center for one of Gotham's now extinct fishing industries, the vast building was now owned by the city. Though this building had been forsaken and no longer used by an honest business, it was far from empty. Now the only residences of this untouched quarter were of the criminal sort and the only living that ever saw this barren place only met with an early demise. The huge building seemed quiet and welcoming as it shone with city lights, daring anyone for a visit. From within the deserted structure, a shrill voice occasionally pierced the foreboding silence of the docks.

Upon entering the abandoned building, a visitor could be temporarily blinded by the brilliance of a large bird-based treasure simply dumped in the middle of the second floor. But you'd have to be a total fool to start shoving gold coins and precious gems into your pockets. There was a bad-tempered owner to all this wealth; an owner that would rather say goodbye than hello.

"I don't really _care_ what's on the pizza!" Oswald Cobblepot yelled at his two Kabuki assistants, Peri and Gale. "I'm SO hungry, I don't give a feather if there's _chicken_ on it!"

The twin girls stood there like statues, without staying a word, their expressions hidden behind their white masks. Oswald Cobblepot a.k.a. Penguin felt his stomach cramp and then lurch with hunger. The portly, red-headed man tapped his chin with his finger as he gazed out the window.

"Just get me the biggest pizza within the neighborhood." The man glanced at his twin assistants. "But be sure not to draw ANY attention. If you two are caught by the Laughing Bat, don't bring him back to me! I don't want that crackpot to come by and gas me."

Oswald waved his had disinterestedly, dismissing Peri and Gale. The two Kabuki Twins gave their blade-fingers a quiet rake, acknowledging their boss. With that the two girls zipped to the door without making a sound. Though overqualified for running food errands, better the Kabuki Twins than him.

Since Joker took on the Batman's responsibilities, every criminal in Gotham was afraid of getting caught and gassed. That wasn't a way Oswald wanted to go: smiling to death. He'd seen what the clown's laughing gas could do; the first time Joker donned cape and cowl of the Dark Knight, Penguin was accidentally injected with Joker's venom. The memory of laughing and laughing, WAY past his sides hurting, and not being able to stop still haunted the man. It wasn't until he got the antidote that he appreciated a good frown once in a while.

So was Penguin hiding? Uh… no; just laying low until the heat was off.

Penguin hopped up on one of the random crates lying around that third floor of the abandoned building and stared out the nearest window. He was happy to put Bat-jerk in intensive care; his umbrella knife through the chest would give him something to think about for a long time. But there wasn't even time for anyone to really enjoy a Bat-free Gotham. Now the Laughing Bat put batty fears in every criminal's head. The first to fall at Joker's hand: Man-Bat! Then Catwoman, Bane and Poison Ivy; not even mentioning Ragdoll, Killer Croc and Killer Moth! ALL taken down by Joker. Oswald wanted the original Batman _back_! At least he didn't gas criminals, just gave them a humiliating defeat and a rubber room in Arkham.

Ozzy felt the heat. HE and Mr. Freeze were the ones that put the Batman in the hospital. It was obvious that Joker cared for Batman, as sick and twisted as that may be. Everybody knew that the Clown Prince of Crime thought it his destiny to put Bat-jerk in his grave and that Joker would sooner be dipped in hot oil than let someone like Freeze and Penguin send him there first.

Oswald couldn't help but feel like the Joker had something especially dangerous coming his way. So every waking moment he was jumpy, irritable and anxious. The Laughing Bat could be anywhere, waiting to gas him or do something much, much worse.

From above him, there was an open skylight. The night city breeze carried away the stuffiness of this musky building. Built next to the Gotham Bay, the rooms always had a moldy smell and needed constant venting. As Oswald stared off to the left, a hunger haze over his brain, he didn't think to bring his eyes upward until he felt something tap the crate he was sitting on. Looking up, Penguin was horrified to see the Laughing Bat looking down at him.

"HOLY-!" The short man yelped, falling off of the crate.

Joker's straight face spread into a grin. Penguin wasn't the most alert bird in the roost. But when the short, red-headed, green-eyed man stood, the Laughing Bat cleaned his face.

"Holy blackbirds in a pie! _Joker_! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Oswald Cobblepot looked angered and near the verge of wetting his pants. The Laughing Bat gave a tiny smirk; it was just so hard not to laugh around Penguin. "What's the deal?!"

"A little high strung, eh Pengy?" The masked Joker quipped. Penguin straightened his tall, crooked top hat and frowned.

"Oh, and you're not?" The rude, selfish, arrogant and homely red-head growled. "The Batman takes a trip to the hospital and not even two hours later, you're running around in a muscle suit. Stop and smell the Bat-jerk free-flowers, Jokester. Gotham is Caped Crusader-less!"

Oswald immediately regretted his words when he saw the Laughing Bat's frown deepen dangerously.

"That's where you're wrong, Penguin." His voice hit a serious, deeply angered tone. "Until the Batman is on his feet again, you're looking at his replacement."

Penguin swallowed and took a step backwards. Joker advanced.

"And I have you and Mr. Freeze to thank for sending my best friend through emergency." The Laughing Bat gnarled, kicking the crate out of his way. The speeding wooden box flew through the air and hit a wall, splintering into a million pieces. "Joker saw the news and let me tell you, he's one very, very angry clown."

The short man continued to walk backwards, his mind racing for options.

"Beaten, frozen, stabbed and thrown into a collapsing building; the fault of a Penguin and Mr. Freeze team-up." The Laughing Bat added. "I see it only fit to enforce the timeless eye-for-eye-and-tooth-for-tooth bit. After all, I am the Batman."

Penguin gritted his jagged teeth at the clown.

"You're outta your gourd!" The man remarked. "You're no more the Batman than I am a peacock!"

"You're not even a peacock, Penguin; just a dead duck." The Laughing Bat responded. Then Penguin's back hit the window; he could go no further.

Joker stood a pace away from him, his hands not seen from under that cloak. Oswald was stuck, with no where to go.

"But the way I see it-" The Laughing Bat suddenly said, "it's a little unfair to pick off the two members of the Penguin/Freeze team up one by one. I want to take both of you on together."

Suddenly Joker lashed forward, shoving Penguin so hard that he busted out of the window.

Oswald Cobblepot was free falling OFF of the stinkin' building to the STREET! And just before his head past the second story, a tether cable wrapped around his legs and snapped taunt. Penguin avoided injury but just by a hair. Giving a whimper of relief, the short supervillain felt himself being pulled upwards, and then he was suddenly suspended.

"I want a rematch, Pengy!" He heard Joker called down to him. Penguin looked upward and saw the Laughing Bat on the rooftop.

The crazed clown's tether was the only thing holding Penguin from splattering on the street. And then to Oswald's horror, he saw his black and grey stripped tuxedo pants in Joker's grasp. Then he recognized a breeze that should not exist.

"And tell your frosty buddy that I want him too. I have no problem hunting both of you down if you fail to show up!" The Laughing Bat threatened. Then he gave a loud, gut-busting laugh before leaping to the adjacent building and disappearing from out of sight.

Penguin gave a weary sigh of relief. He was pantsed and hung upside-down like a piñata but at least he wasn't gassed. Joker's twisted mind was even sicker than he once thought. He actually thought he _was_ the Batman! And now the Laughing Bat wanted a match between him and Mr. Freeze. Penguin weighed his options for a quick second before a grin spread over his face.

"The original Batman couldn't even take me an' Freeze. How could a cheap knock off last five _seconds_ between the two of us?" Oswald chuckled to himself. "We get rid of the Batman AND Joker. Eliminate the city's stiff-lipped protector and the nuttiest supervillain all in one go."

The red-headed man gave a cackle and hung there. Peri and Gale would be back soon with food; they'd get him down. Penguin would steal a couple slices of pizza before he'd contact Freeze. Maybe the popsicle would be interested in collaborating once more and taking out some criminal competition.

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Review! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	10. Mad Meetings

Hello everyone! CJzilla here with another chapter. In his update, Peguin and Freeze conspire while Yin and Bennett give good news to Mayor Grange. Enjoy.

As I trash this town, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... Review.

**AN: CJzilla ownes nothing of Mr. Holmes.**

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_"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed." _

**Oliver Wendell Holmes**  
_US author & physician (1809 - 1894)_

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Chapter 10

_Mad Meetings_

Victor Fries sat on a throne of ice. The air in his lair had to be at least thirty-two degrees; the freezing point for moisture. Masses of ice were all around him, the byproduct of his cryogenically frosty disposition. Anything and everything Freeze touched instantly became frozen. He worked best in a chilly environment, which made the metal walls and concrete floor of a large cold-warehouse perfect for him. This particular warehouse once supplied flowers for local botanist shops throughout Gotham.

Freeze sat in silence as he examined the diamonds he stole over the past month. It was amazing! He'd show up at a jewelry store, museum or safety deposit building and the guards and people would merely step aside and let him through. He didn't have to flex his ice powers! Gotham was a candy store now that the Batman was on ice. Freeze had heard about this Laughing Bat and was curious to learn that Joker had donned his arch-enemy's cape, though he'd never actually seen him. The icy supervillain estimated that due to the fact that the people he robbed were so frightened of him that they never even bothered to report him until he was out of sight. Freeze wasn't worried.

As he twisted a large, rare pink diamond between his fingers, Victor Fries heard the front door to his warehouse shriek open. The ice manipulator acknowledged the sound but made no move to stand and confront his intruder. Who could possibly pose a threat to the mighty Mr. Freeze? In his mind, the chilly villain counted the seconds his intruder took to reach the door to the cold room. A healthy ten seconds later and the latch on the door opened. Across that long room, Freeze saw an unlikely visitor step into his throne room.

"It smells like old mulch in here." It was Penguin. Freeze felt his eyes narrow in irritation when he saw the bird-based villain shiver at the temperature of the room.

"What are you doing here, Cobblepot?" The icy man hissed, his cold voice sending a wave of frost across the room. The bird-based villain stepped into the cold room and shut the door behind him.

Resting his hands on his umbrella, Penguin looked up at the icy man.

"For a popsicle, you got a pretty hot temper, Freeze." Oswald quipped, giving a small smirk. Freeze dropped the diamond into a large bag next to his throne and stood.

The ice controller began walking across the room, his suit occasionally hissing, releasing the pressure of his ice powers.

"You take me to the edge, Penguin." Freeze growled, his hands frosting up with a delayed attack. "Look at you! You're a mess."

Penguin shrugged, knowing he probably had pizza sauce on his face still.

"Like I want to see your frosty mug anymore than you wanna see me." The portly villain returned. By that time Freeze was standing within attacking distance.

"Then why are you here, you little _vulture_?" Victor questioned. "I'm a busy man."

"Cool your engines, ice cube." Penguin gestured. "I'm here because we have a problem."

Freeze hissed at the word "we".

"What you've gotten yourself into is no concern of mine, Cobblepot." The ice manipulator breathed in an icy tone. Penguin smirked.

"That ice your head's frozen in must be messing with your hearing." The short man retorted. "I said _WE_ have a problem. You're involved just as much as I am."

Freeze dropped his frosty hands, his red eyes widening slightly.

"What do you mean? Is the Batman is back on the prowl?" The ice controller rushed. "We should have broken that block of ice he was trapped in into pieces-"

"Slow down, Popsicle." Penguin tapped his umbrella on the ground. "Bat-jerk's probably still drinking his meals out of a straw. No, I'm not talking about him, just his replacement."

The ice manipulator blinked at his fellow super criminal. Anger burned through Freeze's body.

"I hope you're not talking about the Batman's two sidekicks, Penguin." The ice manipulator made fists with his hands. "Continue to insult me and I'll turn you into a frozen turkey."

"The Batman's sidekicks couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag." Penguin's eyebrow twitched. "I'm talking about _Joker_!"

Again Freeze froze and blinked.

"What about that insane harlequin?" Freeze said. "Joker's just running around in a muscle suit; nothing really new with him _anyway_. He's no threat to us or any other criminal."

"Is he, Popsicle?" The bird-based supervillain quirked a brow. "That's probably what Man-Bat, Bane, Poison Ivy and all the rest thought. But that clown gassed them all. Now they're nothing more than smiling vegetables."

Penguin looked Freeze in the eye.

"We're next." He said as serious as the grave. The ice controller grunted, disagreeing.

"What could Joker possibly do to me?" Freeze gestured toward himself. "His gas will not work on me."

Then the ice manipulator turned, walking back to his throne. Since he became the icy super criminal he is today, Victor Fries was in a sort of undead state in which he was immune to getting sick, poisoned and dying.

"It's an unfortunate shame to be you, Penguin. While you are being hunted down and gassed by a screwy harlequin, I shall sit in my icebox, counting my glorious diamonds." Freeze laughed, rubbing in the fact that Cobblepot was still among the living and could therefore be gassed.

Penguin was silent, but only for a moment.

"You've seen what Jokers capable of, Freeze." The short super criminal folded his arms, his umbrella crook hanging off of his arm. "Including being one very good thief."

Freeze paused in his steps, his icy suit discharging another blast of pressure. The ice controller turned back to Penguin to see a smirk on his face.

"To me, this is a prime opportunity to get rid of some of the stiffest competition we've got going on now." Cobblepot's smirk spread into an evil grin. "Why not get rid of Joker once and for all? One less supervillain means less competition for diamonds and money, Freeze."

Penguin knew he won the ice controller over when he saw that selfish, greedy look come of the icy man's face.

"For the diamonds, then." Freeze agreed giving a nod. Cobblepot's grin turned into a crooked smile.

Joker would get his request; Penguin and Freeze would grant him a rematch.

In the middle of Gotham, Police Commissioner Ellen Yin and Police Chief Ethan Bennett requested a meeting with Mayor Grange on a matter of utmost importance. Though it was late, both officers had just gotten into contact with the Dark Knight himself. They were all relieved to hear the man's voice again. Since the Batman disappeared from his top-secret make-shift intensive care unit about four weeks ago. The two veteran police officers flashed their badges to the security standing outside the penthouse office. Yin and Ethan walked through the doors and up to the secretary's desk. The older woman pressed a button on her intercom.

"Commissioner Ellen Yin and Police Chief Ethan Bennett to see you, sir." The woman said to the small speaker box. There was a short pause.

"Send them in, Joan." Came the calm voice of Mayor Grange. The secretary grinned at the two police officers before she nodded toward the door.

"Thanks." Ethan said. And then he followed his long time friend and superior into the mayor's office.

Once inside, the two officers shut the door and brought their eyes to Mayor Grange, signing papers on his desk near an open window.

"Hello, Mayor." Yin greeted in her normal business-like tone.

"Good evening, sir." Bennett added. Mayor Grange looked up from his paperwork. "Thank you for seeing us so late."

"The only reason Gotham P.D. would request a meeting at such a late hour leads me to believe something is wrong." The grey-headed man quirked a bushy eyebrow. "Please give me some good news to go to bed with."

To his relief, Bennett and Yin nodded.

"We do, sir." Yin voiced. "We have just received news that the Batman is recovering smoothly and shall be returning to Gotham's streets soon. It was necessary to inform you, Mayor."

Mayor Grange gave a big sigh of relief, the stress from an entire month without the Batman clearly showing on his face.

"That's _fantastic_ news." The man clapped a hand on his head as he stood from his chair. "You don't know how much sleep I've lost since this city's been without that vigilante guardian. It never soothed me to know the Joker volunteered to take his place; the last time that clown paraded around as the Dark Knight, he held the city ransom."

Yin and Bennett nodded.

"As wild and unpredictable as Joker is, Arkham Asylum and Gotham State Penitentiary are full of wanted super criminals." Yin voiced, setting her hands on her hips. "Joker is an efficient hero."

The oriental beauty looked across to her partner. Ethan smirked back at her. Gotham Police Department had to send a few criminals out of state just because the local penitentiary and asylum were full.

"_Hero_? Not in the strictest definition." Mayor Grange snorted. "I've seen the reports. Joker gassed every one of these criminals; only someone who is twisted to the core would subdue people like that."

"Understood, sir." Ethan voiced. "But you have to understand the man power he saved us. Gassing, while cruel and inhumane, left Joker's victims immobile and easy to arrest. With characters like Bane and Killer Croc, who are super powerful, the department has appreciated their smiley dispositions. They would not have gone so quietly had they not been gassed."

That got the toned black man a venom glare from the mayor.

"I am wholeheartedly against Joker's feeble attempt to be a hero." Grange's frown deepened. "As soon as the Batman is back in his rightful place as this city's guardian, I expect the police department to step up efforts to capture him and get that insane harlequin off of the streets."

Yin and Bennett gave an immediate nod.

"Our exact thoughts, Mayor." Yin answered. Grange nodded and stacked a pile of papers.

The mayor was just about to dismiss Ethan and Yin when suddenly a gust of wind made the curtains dance and another member joined the meeting. Just like a whisper of a breeze, the Laughing Bat moved through the open window and hopped to the floor. Grange gasped as Ethan and Yin's hands went instinctively to their weapons. Joker merely looked at them; quiet and firm, just like the Batman.

Joker had most of the Batman's little method-isms down surprisingly well. From the graceful yet ghostly stalking in the shadows to the pre-battle banter, Joker had his rival's style dead right. It was spooky, how _identical_ Joker could mimic the Batman. Sometimes, even just for the blink of an eye, they could see the Batman inside Joker. But Ethan and Yin were always reminded that Joker was Joker as soon as he smiled.

"Why so serious, everyone?" And there was a glimpse of the Clown Prince of Crime as a Joker smile suddenly brightened his face.

"What are you doing here, Joker?" Yin growled, lowering her weapon. "This is a private meeting."

"I beg to differ, Commissioner." The Laughing Bat maintained his smile. "Anything happening with my Bat-Buddy, _I_ wanna know about it. So tisk, tisk."

He wagged his finger at the three officials in the room as he took another step forward. Grange moved quickly and stepped behind Yin and Bennett, keeping clean out of reach from the madman.

"Which reminds me!" Joker snapped his fingers theatrically. "Tell me how ol' Basty's doing! Last I saw of him, he was in the hospital with tubes in his head!"

Ethan too dropped his aim once he knew the mayor was far enough away from Joker.

"We just got word from Bats himself that he's nearly healed. In a few more days, you're going to have to give the Batman his superhero gig back." The chief of police stated, husking his gun.

Joker's smile tripled, looking genuinely happy to hear the news.

"No problem chiefy!" The Laughing Bat returned, opening his arms to show he was in full agreement. "After a month in bat-tights, I'm getting tired of the cape and constant spandex rashes."

Everyone cringed as Joker guffawed.

"And here's some more good news!" The Laughing Bat looked over at three of Gotham's most outstanding officials. "I'm going to fight Penguin and Freeze!"

The mayor, chief of police and commissioner of police gasped; the harlequin merely smiled.

"It's going to be the ultimate get-well present to my bestest best fri-enemy, the Batman!" Joker hugged himself and laughed. The flabbergasted police officers finally came to their senses.

"Joker! You're _crazy_! Batman himself couldn't beat Penguin and Freeze together!" Yin stepped forward. The Laughing Bat shrugged.

"That may be true, but unless you've missed out on the last month, Commissioner…" He cupped his mouth and whispered. "I'm _not_ THE Batman. Shocking, I know. So I'd say the odds of kicking major birdie and ice cube butt are in my favor."

Then he laughed.

"And if I lose, what do you people care? It's not like you're going to lose a hero, just a clown in bat-tights and muscle suit." Joker remarked, his evil smile returning. That was true, seeing that Joker was more of a menace than idol.

"Don't be a fool, Joker." Ethan shook his head. "You're going to rush head-long into something you can't finish."

The Laughing Bat grimaced, the look of pensive astonishment crossing his masked face.

"I can't say I expected this reaction out of the head honchos of the knights in blue." He cocked a brow. Then he laughed. "I expected a slap on the back and a push out the window!"

Yin and Bennett gritted their teeth in frustration.

"Don't insult us like that. We are trying to prevent you from walking into something that you will never walk out of again." The oriental beauty grimaced. Joker placed his hand dramatically on his heart.

"Why, Commissioner! I _knew_ you cared!" He then laughed. Suddenly his laughter faded. "But I didn't visit so that you could convince me otherwise. I'm here to issue a warning. Gotham P.D. better stay out of my way as I take down Penguin and Freeze. If I find so much as police tape, I'll make sure that Gotham's finest knows how explosively angry I can be."

"You're a maniac!" Mayor Grange accused. "Sustaining order is what the police are here for! How dare you think that you can order Gotham P.D. around!"

The Laughing Bat's grimace grew tighter on his face. He chose to ignore the mayor.

"I am giving a warning, Commissioner and Chief." Joker looked at Yin and Bennett. "I want no interference as I get revenge on bird-brain and the ice cube."

"Revenge?" Ethan echoed. Then his eyes widened when he realized what the Joker was talking about. "Joker… you can't be serious."

"As serious as I've ever been, chief." The Laughing Bat returned. "Those two put my best friend into intensive care. Both are seriously overdue for some karma."

They saw Joker's fists tighten and his frown grow into a scowl at the thought.

"Don't do it, Joker." Yin stepped forward. "Let the Law take care of those two. They will pay for what they've done; don't get yourself killed."

The Laughing Bat narrowed his eyes at the oriental beauty.

"I am the Law, Commissioner; have been for the last month." Joker's face went straight, mimicking the Batman. Then he cracked a smile. "What better force to stop two supervillains than one of 'em? Please, don't shed any tears for me, kiddies. Joker always laughs last."

With that, the Laughing Bat turned to the window and hopped up on the window-ceil.

"Heed my warning. I want no obstacle in my way as I dish out some justice… for my friend." And then the city breeze blew the curtains over the masked harlequin. When the wind subsided, the Laughing Bat was gone, out of sight.

Bennett and Yin ran to the window. There was no sign of the Clown Prince of Crime. Lumps formed in the pits of the officers' stomachs. There was a battle on the horizon; a battle that promised more casualties than victory.

"We need to contact Batman." The oriental beauty looked up at her long time friend. "Joker's going to get himself killed."

The bald black man nodded and pulled a Bat-Wave communicator out of his suit pocket.

A sudden ring awoke Bruce Wayne. A second passed before he recognized what was ringing. Floundering for his nightstand, Bruce opened the drawer and retrieved a Bat-Wave communicator. He looked at the ID. It was Ethan Bennett. Bruce sat up in his big bed and put the communicator to his ear.

"Chief?" The man spoke, his tone going down in order to disguise his voice. He heard Bennett panting.

"Bats, this is Ethan Bennett. Yin and I were just meeting with Mayor Grange-" Bruce heard a door to a car shut, "and then Joker showed up. He threatened us and told the police department that he does not want us involved in his revenge."

Bruce's eyes went wide.

"What? Revenge?" Then the man's expression dropped to the look of unease. Bruce's pause was met by a silence from the police chief.

"You know exactly what Joker's aiming at, Batman." Ethan said.

"Did he say when and where?" Bruce swung his good leg over the side of the bed.

"No." Ethan returned. "He gave no other details than that."

Bruce growled.

"The idiot. Freeze and Penguin will be too much for him!" The man said into the communicator, cursing at the Joker's madness.

"Bats, he said he was doing this as revenge for what they've done to you." Bennett voiced. "Can you think of his next move?"

Joker was one to always be unpredictable. But there were a few things he took seriously enough to form into intricate plans. So far, Bruce knew only that Joker was doing this out an act of revenge for what Mr. Freeze and Penguin had done to his "friend".

"I'll let you know once I have an idea." Bruce said. "Keep this line open. We will have to work together on this, Bennett."

"Like always, Bats. Whether Joker wants us to or not." Ethan responded.

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Review. LONG LIVE ROCK!


	11. Loopy Liaisons

Hello everyone! CJzilla here with the next chapter. I would have had this chapter up sooner if my cat wasn't on my keyboard. (CJzilla sighs and rolls her eyes) All right; in this chapter there is a fight and concerns. Enjoy.

As I trash this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... review. You know.

**AN: CJzilla owns nothing of Mr. Nietzche. Weird that Germans have all these quotes on insanity...**

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_"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."_

**Friedrich Nietzsche**  
_German philosopher (1844 - 1900)_

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Chapter 11

_Loopy Liaisons_

Bruce Wayne had wheeled his way down to the Bat-Cave. The billionaire's fingers moved over the keyboard of the supercomputer, searching news archives spanning the last month; under the topic of the Laughing Bat. Bruce hoped there were some clues inside this information that would point to Joker's next move. Though the crazed clown was trying to be the Batman, the difference was night and day. Bruce was the Batman and the similarities between his crime fighting alter ego and Joker's imitation were few and far between. The one thing Bruce could count on was Joker's drive to mimic his arch rival to the letter, which included recreating the night that the Batman was sent into the ICU. Picking a fight with Penguin and Mr. Freeze was a big hint.

"The Batman was defeated at the Gotham Museum of Art." Bruce hushed to himself. "Since that building is nothing but dust, they will have to find a new arena. But where?"

Searching through the news archives Bruce saw no patterns according to locations. The criminals were taken down where they started trouble. Then a sinking feeling hit Bruce's stomach.

"There's no way to know where Penguin and Freeze will take on Joker." The man whispered, his blue eyes widening. But there was some hope: the Bat-Wave.

The criminal detection unit went off when a supervillain so much as sneezes. Bruce wished he had a better way of knowing where the Joker is. By the time the Bat-Wave alerted him, it may be too late to save the harlequin.

Bruce hit a button on his keypad.

"Alfred, Dick. It's time to get up. I have news on the Laughing Bat." The man spoke at the screen. The message would be relayed to Alfred and Dick's bedrooms.

Bruce would inform his sidekick and butler of the Joker's plan. Something told him that everything was going to happen fast; Joker was never the sort to be patient and neither were Penguin or Freeze.

Oswald Cobblepot and Victor Fries stood out on a street. It was about three in the morning; roughly three and a half hours after Joker appeared to Penguin and an hour after Penguin had recruited Freeze. Now both supervillains were in the middle of a late night street, glancing around for any sign of the Laughing Bat.

"We're not going to do this all night, are we?" Mr. Freeze complained, aggravated as he stood aside Penguin. The ex-billionaire turned super criminal glanced at the ice manipulator.

"Screw loose didn't tell me _where_ to show up!" Penguin threw his hands in the air. "I'm just as lost as you, ice cube."

The ice controller's eyes narrowed dangerously. Walking around and looking for Joker like some sort of lost tourist was not the glamorous showdown Penguin promised him. Hissing, Freeze approached Penguin and swatted off his top hat.

"What's your problem?!" Oswald growled, swiping his hat from the ground. Freeze was getting angry.

He lashed out and seized the front of Penguin's three piece suit.

"You have exactly two seconds to get Joker here before I turn you into a frozen butterball, Penguin!" The ice manipulator fumed, his vents hissing with the building pressure inside Freeze's suit. Penguin was equally irate.

"Do I look like a magical genie, snow cone?" The bird-based villain's grip tightened on his umbrella. "How am I supposed to get Joker here in just two seconds?"

Penguin felt the front of his coat grow cold and spread through the fabric to his chest. Freeze was at his boiling point, which was pretty ironic since he was a living icicle.

"YOU'RE the one who called me out here! YOU promised me Joker!" The ice controller was so mad, his icy voice was growing hot. "So if that freak's not here within the next two seconds, I'm going to vent my cold fury on _your_ pudgy form!"

Cobblepot narrowed his green eyes at his "partner" in crime. Fries had a fast fuse, a fuse that was going to detonate into an icy blast and make Penguin a bird for the freezers. Suddenly, both supervillains heard a laugh. Looking upwards they saw the Laughing Bat perched on an adjacent building ledge about three stories off the ground. In that moment, Joker gracefully bounded down to them, using a flag pole and street light to do so.

"This is funny…" The insane harlequin's face was straight, his body hidden under that poorly stitched cape. "A villainous team-up turning on itself before the hero even arrives."

Freeze and Penguin scoffed.

"What hero? All that we see is _Joker_ in a bat suit picking a fight he can't win." Cobblepot returned looking over Joker's threads. "It's a look you'll take to the grave."

"Is there no honor among thieves?" The Laughing Bat questioned, shrugging slightly. In response, Freeze swatted off Penguin's top hat… again.

"You're the one donning the look and actions of a hero, Joker." Freeze hissed as Penguin picked up his hat, muttering curses under his breath. "So I will deal with you as you wish; as a hero."

The ice controller opened up his hand and summoned a blast of ice. The Laughing Bat easily dodged the shaft of ice and countered with a Bat-a-rang. Opening his other hand, Victor Freeze blasted the weapon out of the air. The frozen Bat-a-rang clanked to his feet in a block of ice. He chuckled.

"The Batman himself couldn't have done a more predictable move." Freeze quipped, mocking the clown's mimicry of his best fri-enemy. Then he saw that smirk on Joker's face.

By that time the frozen Bat-a-rang exploded, Freeze nearly standing right on it. The ice manipulator stumbled backwards, grunting in surprise. It wasn't until he caught his balance that he found the explosion breached his suit. Ice was forming and pouring out of a small hole in the ankle of his suit. Freeze grunted in irritation. Should have seen that comin'!

"Clowny too much for you, Popsicle?" Penguin was grinning at him.

"Mind your yap, you little turkey, before I _freeze_ it off!" Freeze barked back. He slammed a hand on the asphalt.

Shards of ice shot along the ground, speeding toward the Laughing Bat. Penguin, who was still chuckling at his partner, flipped his umbrella. A small chamber on the crook released a razor sharp blade. Penguin gripped his umbrella and flicked his wrist. As Joker avoided Freeze's blasts of ice, he couldn't avoid the cheap shot from Penguin. The blade on a chain sped toward he clown and made contact.

"So…" Dick Greyson yawned, barely awake as he was still in his pajamas. "We're going to hang out around here until Penguin and Freeze decide to take up Joker on his offer for a slaughter?"

Bruce shot the boy a glare.

"Not quite the wording I had in mind, but yes." The man answered. "Until Freeze, Penguin and Joker make their move, someone has to be manning the Bat-Wave."

Dick groaned, getting him another glare from Bruce and an annoyed look from Alfred.

"This is pointless!" The boy growled. "Who knows when Freeze and Penguin will go after Joker? And why not let the three of them finish each other off? It's not like we're losing anything."

That did it. Bruce gave the teen such a venom glare that he immediately clammed up.

"You have got a lot of nerve to say that, Dick." He was as serious as the grave. "It doesn't matter who we are saving. Joker brought this on himself; that much is obvious. But we'd be just as bad as _any_ criminal if we stand by and let those three kill each other!"

Dick shrugged but remained silent. When Bruce put it that way, of course Dick would help stop Joker, Penguin and Freeze from fighting. The teen's jealousy made him a little hateful to the clown. Dick held the fact that Joker was an effective hero against him. They were always beaten to the punch, Barbara and he, and by whom? None other than the Harlequin of Hate. It was enough to make Dick pull his hair out but not enough to make him ignore his duty as a hero. So though it would make him sick, the teen would go along with his mentor to stop Joker, Penguin and Freeze from destroying each other.

Now the waiting game began.

The Laughing Bat was driven to the asphalt by a block of ice weighing over three hundred pounds. Joker felt the air getting squeezed out of him. The man grasped the ice and dug his glove's fingertips into it. It wouldn't move. Joker gritted his teeth in an effort to hold in the breath that was being pressed out of him. Then he heard the hiss of Mr. Freeze's pressurized suit, along with an uneven pace.

"Such a pain in my undead, icy _neck_!" The ice manipulator hissed, the hole in his suit still leaking out ice as it formed to fit his footsteps. As he stood over the pinned clown, one could picture a smile on his icy face.

And joining Freeze, Penguin waddled up, holding his bruised face.

"You said it, icicle." The short supervillain grunted. Then he gave an evil smile as he bent down to Joker to pat him on the head. "Well, well, Joker. Who's the dead duck now?"

The Laughing Bat just frowned. Penguin laughed.

"You got 'im. How you gonna… _ice_ him, Popsicle?" The bird-based villain questioned. Freeze had drawn his ice-breaker, a specialized weapon that sends a pulse through ice and shatters it instantly.

"I always wanted to know what this thing does to an unfrozen, human brain." The ice manipulator stated, flipping the handheld weapon in his grasp. "Now is a golden opportunity to test it."

Joker couldn't hold his breath nor could he move; it was too painful. Freeze kneeled over the costumed clown and poised the pulsing weapon next to his temple.

"Let's see what's really inside that insane mind of yours, Joker." The ice controller pulled back his arm and the weapon with it. He swung down, aiming for the Laughing Bat's head.

Joker caught Freeze's blow and pushed the weapon to the ice. The weapon touched the ice block and a pulse of energy flowed through it. The ice instantaneously shattered. The Laughing Bat took in a breath of air as he twisted Freeze's hand. The pulse weapon fell out of the ice manipulator's grasp and into Joker's. Springing to his feet, Joker spun to face the two villains.

"It's not so hard to get inside my mind, chuckleheads!" The caped clown beamed, seemingly unfazed by the wound on his head trickling with blood. "I'll give you a one-way trip to my land of fits and giggles! _Free_ of charge."

With that, much to Penguin's horror, the Laughing Bat pulled out a canister of his Joker-Gas. The bird-based villain squawked in surprise and was quick to get that hazardous gas out of Joker's hands.

For the majority of this battle, Joker had Freeze and Penguin constantly moving. He scored strikes while Penguin only cracked him across the head with his umbrella's crock. Nothing serious; at least, that's what he thought. The Laughing Bat's luck suddenly evaporated when he was met with a swing from Penguin's katana. The clown avoided the brunt of the weapon only to have one of Freeze's sharp ice shafts hit him in the left shoulder.

Joker's wind was knocked out of him as he was blasted off of his feet and thrown down the street. When he came to a stop on the black top, there was a chunk of ice jutting out of his shoulder. The combination of the cold temperature and serious injury sent a wave of pain over the harlequin. But there was no time to sit still. Freeze had thrown both of his hands toward him and thrust another pillar of ice down the street. Joker scrambled to his feet and narrowly avoided the ice. Freeze iced the entire street as Penguin gave chase to the injured Laughing Bat.

Meanwhile, at the Bat-Cave the Bat-Wave suddenly rang. Bruce, Dick and Alfred jumped, their haze of sleep interrupted. Bruce spun in his wheelchair and faced the massive screen. It showed an accident report filed to police just a second before.

"A sixty car pile up? Blamed on… icy roads?" The injured billionaire quirked a dark eyebrow. "That _can't_ be right."

"It's in the middle of _summer_! There shouldn't be any icy roads for months!" Dick threw his hands in the air, checking the report over again. "It must be a typo. There's gotta be some logical explanation."

Quiet Alfred spoke up.

"Ice is the calling card of Mr. Freeze correct?" The butler said. Bruce and Dick looked at each other, reality hitting them like a freight train. "Could this be what we've been waiting for?"

"You're _brilliant_ Alfred!" Dick cheered, bolting toward his costume. The prim and proper butler managed a smile before he looked into the eyes of his friend and employer.

"Freeze, Penguin and Joker have revealed their arena, Alfred." Bruce looked him in the eye. "I will call Bennett and Yin for assistance but the Batman is the best suited for this."

Alfred Pennyworth's eyes went wide.

"Sir! Your injuries still require a full _week_ of recovery!" The balding butler gestured. "Going after that harlequin and rescuing him from his personal escapades will only spell more injury to _you_! I _cannot_ permit it, Master Bruce!"

For once a grimace of urgency from his younger master alerted Alfred to the gravity of what was going on.

"I will not have Joker perish fighting my battles." Bruce hissed, some hidden guilt colliding with his drive to protect those who need protecting. "This cast has to come _off_!"

Alfred glanced down at the big plaster cast that stretched from the man's hip to his ankle. Inside was a jigsaw puzzle of moderately healed broken bones. One wrong move by Bruce's part and he could seriously injure himself further. Suddenly, Dick was in his Robin costume and standing in front of them.

"I'm radioing Barbara right now, chief!" The boy's fingers moved over his personal Bat-Wave. "We'll get to F Street and 7th before Freeze and Penguin smear Joker."

"I'll be right behind you." Bruce told Dick. Dick froze mid-step, all ready turned toward the door.

"No way-!" But the boy was cut off.

"Get _outta_ here!" Bruce gestured, an angry scowl coming to his face. "I'll be right behind you!"

Dick gave a yelp and did as he was told. Bruce then turned to his butler.

"Grab something to cut this with, Alfred!" Bruce rushed, slapping his plaster cast. "Every second I'm not there is a second closer to someone getting _hurt_!"

A look of indignation flashed across Alfred's face.

"You seem to forget, sir, that you yourself are hurt." He responded in a mild tone but his expression betrayed his deep objection. Alfred and Bruce lingered there before Alfred broke eye-contact to do as he was told.

Bruce ignored his friend. He put his life on the line every time he donned the alias of the Batman. This was no different. Why change _now_ when the life of the Clown Prince of Crime hung in the balance? Bruce clawed at the cast on his leg. He had to hurry. For all he knew, Joker's already dead.

Barbara Gordon slipped out of her window, fully clothed in her Batgirl costume. Dick had just sent her a priority number one call. Though she had a big day in school, the teen girl was not going to let what happen to Bruce happen again; to _anyone_! Shooting a grapple to the closest building, the red-headed teen knew it'd take her at least five minuets to arrive at F and 7th. Dick was nearest to that city block. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach. She didn't want to imagine Dick battling with Freeze and Penguin alone. And that being said, Joker was facing them alone; probably for some time now. Who knew if he was winning or losing? Who knew if he was still alive?

Police Chief Ethan Bennett shook the fuzz of sleep out of his head, trying to focus on the road and phone conversation he was having with the Dark Knight at the same time.

"Icy roads sound about right for Freeze." His cop car's sirens screamed as he squealed around another corner. Over the Bat-Wave communicator he possessed, Ethan could hear a peculiar grinding sound on the Batman's line. "I don't care if the Crime Clown wants a private fight. He's going to get splattered."

There was a grunt of pain from the Caped Crusader.

"Freeze and Penguin promised a loud and deadly fight, Bennett." The crime fighter's smoky, aloof voice resounded through the phone line. "I've sent Robin and Batgirl. They should slow the villains down until I get there."

Ethan's mouth fell open.

"Bats-… You're not supposed to be on your feet for another week! You're only going to end up in the ICU again!" The bald black man objected, his car screaming around slower moving cars. "Or worse."

"I know the risks." The Batman swiftly replied. "But someone could end up in a premature grave tonight. I want to prevent that."

"Let us handle this, Bats. The last thing this city needs is another month without you protecting." Bennett voiced.

"Joker's taking on two madmen himself, Bennett." The Dark Knight returned. "Do I have to say anymore?"

The black man fell silent and rubbed his eyes. If there was one thing about the Batman, he pricked Ethan's sense of responsibility and humanity.

"All right, Bats." The police chief nodded, not that the Batman could see him. "You can come to the fight but I can't guarantee a battle. Joker might have everything taken care of all ready."

The Laughing Bat held his side as he took refuge behind a city building. Pieces of his body were hurting that he didn't know he had. Who knew bird-brain and popsicle could put up such a decent fight? Pulling his hand from his ribs, Joker held it up to the light of a nearby streetlamp. Dark red vital juices were smeared over the black fabric of his glove. He was bleeding… bad. Now the Laughing Bat was starting to realize that he just couldn't fight all of the Batman's battles. It just wasn't in him.

"Found 'im!" He heard Penguin's shrill voice cut through the air. Craning his head upwards, Joker spotted Penguin hovering on his mini helicopter blades.

Suddenly Mr. Freeze rode around the building's corner on a wave of ice. The ice manipulator opened his free hand and fired another blast of ice at the Laughing Bat. Forced to move and ignore his injuries again, Joker briefly considered fleeing. But then a smile spread over his face. If he was to go now, it would be in honor of his favorite sparring partner and best friend: the Batman.

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Review. LONG LIVE ROCK!


	12. Illogical Ice

Ohyaho everyone! CJzilla here with another chapter! In this update there will be a fight that takes many twists and turns. Enjoy

As I trample over this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... review.

**AN: CJzilla owns nothing of Mr. Albert Einstein.**

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_"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."_

**Albert Einstein**, _(attributed)_  
_US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)_

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Chapter 11

_Illogical Ice_

"This is Yin." Police Commissioner Ellen Yin spoke into her car's radio as she sped through the quiet Gotham streets. "Advancing on F Street and 7th, responding to possible supervillainaltercation. No visual as yet."

Dispatch acknowledged Yin's whereabouts. She was assured that backup including Bennett, Robin, Batgirl and even the Batman would soon be on scene to assist. The oriental beauty pursed her lips together. This was serious; serious enough to make the Batman crawl out of hiding after nursing several critical injuries. It was foolhardy that the Batman take up crime fighting again; any person without a medical background could tell you that. Yin only hoped that she got there in time to-

Then something flew out of the sky and fell to the road in front of her.

"Whoa!" Craning the steering wheel over, Yin narrowly missed a block of ice the size of a television as it landed in front of her car.

The car came to a screeching halt. Looking up, she found herself at the corner of F and 7th. The police commissioner grabbed the radio on her car's console.

"I'm at 7th and F. I have visual. Proceeding to confront." Yin hung up the receiver and jumped out of her car before dispatch or Bennett could object. The woman drew her police weapon and hugged the corner.

Yin's back was against the brick wall, her weapon hugged to her chest and adrenaline beginning to rush through her veins. The woman took a breath and glanced around the building; she caught sight of Penguin, Mr. Freeze and Joker. They were down the street and trading blows at a furious rate. Freeze and Penguin were advancing as Joker was defending himself. Her breath seemed to get caught in her throat as she saw the viciousness of the fight; the ice manipulator and master bird-based villain had no mercy for the Laughing Bat. Yin cocked back the hammer of her firearm and stepped toward the confrontation.

Mr. Freeze's hand was clamped firmly over Joker's windpipe. The clown had no smile as the ice manipulator held him by the throat. Though mangled and badly hurt, Joker was too crazy to surrender; something that would surly kill him. To the clown, madness was just that simple and just that hard. It was his style to bite off more than he could chew but laughing about it in the end. It was impossible to imagine Joker ever dying _without_ a smile on his face. Right now was no different.

Though he had the harlequin in a stranglehold, Freeze couldn't block Joker from plunging a Bat-a-rang into the ice encasing his face and head. Freeze threw the clown, wrapping his free hand over the weapon embedded in the ice of his head.

"That's gonna blow your mind, frosty." Joker panted as Freeze jumped off of him. The Laughing Bat rolled to his feet and socked Penguin in the gut.

As Penguin was doubled over, Joker vaulted off of the villain's shoulders and landed behind him. With a kick to the back of Penguin's suit coat, the bird-based villain stumbled forward. He fell onto Freeze. Blinking the pain out of his stomach, Penguin realized that he was on top of Freeze with a ticking Bat-a-rang in his face.

"That thing's gonna _explode_!" Penguin squawked, scrambling to his feet and jumping away. "Get _rid_ of it, snow cone!"

The ice manipulator tugged at the weapon as he jumped to his feet.

"I _know_, you little vulture!" Freeze shouted back. Then the weapon fluxed. "Oh-!"

KA-BOOM! The Bat-a-rang exploded; the blast shattering the ice case Freeze's head was surrounded by. In a second, the ice controller was taken to the ground, the explosion rattling his undead, frosty mind. Penguin was blasted off of his feet and to the asphalt.

The bird-based villain was getting thrown around like a ragdoll. Joker was putting up an annoyingly tough fight for a bad guy trying to be a good guy. It was sick, sick; Penguin's fears about the deranged harlequin were starting to be realized. Joker was no Batman, even despite the clown's best efforts. It was that difference from the Caped Crusader that threw everything off. Even with Fries on his team, Penguin was on his back, staring into the night sky. Unpredictable and inhumanly cruel, the Joker was well on his way to winning the battle.

"That's going to leave a mark." The bird-based villain remarked, sitting up. His eye black and swollen and blood slowly oozing from the corner of his mouth.

It was in this blind spot that he never saw the Laughing Bat approach him.

"And so will this, Pengy." The short red head never had any time close his mouth and hold his breath when he was blasted in the face by a cloud of Joker-gas.

Penguin lashed out with his umbrella and struck Joker in the side, knocking the masked harlequin to the asphalt.

Penguin stumbled to get to his feet, coughing. It was in that second that the incontrollable, gut-busting laughter came to him. Penguin chuckled, then giggled, then laughed and then guffawed. He laughed so hard he lost all strength to keep himself off of the ground. Suddenly the laughter evaporated as his mouth curved into a twisted, cripplingly painful smile. Penguin saw Joker get to his feet and stumble over to him. The bird-based criminal's last glimpse was of the harlequin standing above him before everything went dark.

Joker caught his breath as he watched the effects of his gas take hold onto Penguin. Neither bird-brain nor Freeze went down quietly. They nearly had him believing that he was in over his head! Imagine that! A situation that was _nearly_ too hairy for the Clown Prince of Crime! Joker gave a wide smile.

"Silly me." The harlequin snickered to himself. Just then he caught movement ahead of him.

Looking up, he was the commissioner of police running toward him, her pathetic police weapon drawn.

"Joker!" Her big dark eyes were wide. The Laughing Bat quirked an eyebrow at her terrified look.

The oriental beauty rushed up to him and pressed her hand to his shoulder. There's the answer to that.

"You're bleeding." Yin rushed, her head craning around. Then she spotted the sidewalk; she had to keep him still. "Hold your hand here."

She took the clown's hand and pressed it to his left shoulder. There was a hole in Joker's shoulder that you could fit your fist into. If the man didn't get help soon, he'd perish right there.

"Cool!" The Laughing Bat felt his own vital juices seep through his costume, into his glove and down his arm. Then he gave her a dirty smirk "You can see right through me, commissioner."

Yin ignored his flirting and she blamed it on the loss of blood and the inevitable amount of shock his body was going through.

"Quick, over to the sidewalk. I'll radio hel-." They started to walk toward the sidewalk when a pillar of ice hit Joker. Yin's hand was instantly frozen while the clown was slammed to a building wall.

As Yin let out a surprised yelp, seeing her hand in a block of ice, she craned around. Freeze was getting back to his feet, the ice around his head growing back over him. His outstretched hand held a blast of ice that extended across the street and pinned the Laughing Bat to a building's wall. Joker's head and hand were still visible as he was suspended just above the ground by the frozen water.

"Nice try, Joker!" Freeze spat, obviously peeved to the extreme measure. "You've taken down Penguin. Congratulations; you're able to handle a mouthy, over-blown loser. But you are by no means enough to defeat _me_."

Joker smiled.

"Am I sensing some burning anger from the overgrown ice-maker?" The harlequin quipped, laughing a little at his own joke.

Freeze narrowed his eyes as he formed ice daggers on the tips of his fingers.

"You're about to experience how cold blooded I can be." Freeze hissed, approaching and slashing the air. The Laughing Bat's smile waned, suddenly realizing how vulnerable he was, frozen to the wall.

As the ice controller raised his hand to strike Joker, a bullet grazed his arm and another clipped a chunk of ice off of his head. Turning, he saw Commissioner Yin holding her smoking gun to him, her left hand frozen in a block of ice.

"On your knees!" The oriental woman commanded, pointing her weapon threateningly at him. "NOW!"

Freeze glared at the woman. He'd make sure she would be frozen solid for that! Thrusting his free arm upwards he shot a shaft of ice at her. Yin tumbled to the ground and narrowly avoided being flash frozen; her iced hand slowing her down.

The ice manipulator was through playing games. He wanted all headaches out of his life. He opened fire at the female officer, intent on icing her; permanently. As Freeze had his sights on Commissioner Yin, something hit him in the back and punctured his suit. As ice hissed out of his damaged containment suit, he realized a bullet had struck him. Spinning, he saw the chief of police, Ethan Bennett crouched on the ground with his firearm pointed at him.

"_Surrender_, Fries! You're surrounded!" The bald black man ordered. Victor Fries gritted his teeth.

"Not likely!" The icy supervillain shot back and froze the ground below their feet. Bennett and Yin dove for cover.

In his rage, Freeze ordered spikes of ice to shoot along the asphalt and up buildings. _No_ one would walk away from this but him!

"This is a _new_ era!" The ice controller roared into the air. "The Freeze era! _I_ defeated the Batman! Gotham WILL bow at my feet!"

Just then three explosive spheres fell from the sky, exploding around the supercriminal. Freeze stumbled back, the flash from the blast sending spots through his eyes. He knew it could only be two of three people; the Batman's sidekicks had arrived.

"This is Gotham!" Robin's voice was heard through the street. "And we don't bow to psycho ice cubes!"

Freeze growled, getting very angry. Though still seeing spots, he lashed out, shooting ice to where he thought the teen hero was standing.

From the top of a building Dick Greyson watched Freeze's blind flail; shooting shafts of ice all around in a crazed fashion. He saw Yin and Bennett taking cover behind mail boxes, door fronts and wherever there was no ice. The teen also spotted Penguin on the ground. He could only assume that the bird-based villain got a dose of Joker Gas. Now only Freeze remained. But where was Joker?

Dick checked his belt. He had some of the superheated plasma that Bruce had given him. He had only three slugs of the high-heated material since the last time Bruce used the chemical, an art museum was turned into ash. Three plasma spheres and only three chances to hit the rampaging icicle.

"Make 'em count, Greyson." The boy muttered to himself. Bounding off of the building and dropping to the fire-escape, Dick planned to catch Freeze blindsided.

Victor Fries gritted his teeth as he blasted ice all around him, still blinded from the flash of Robin's weapon. The Batman had pulled this move off too many times for him to forget. What was he expecting from the ward of the crime fighter?

"Don't even think about it, you little boil!" Freeze roared into the air. "I'll freeze you before you even get close enough!"

The ice controller threw his arms to the sky and opened his hands. Instantly there was a bevy of ice. Above his head, Freeze was creating a focused ice storm. Flakes of ice sheeted the ground and nearby area. Dick was still advancing toward the ice manipulator; running toward him with a plasma sphere in his hand. Flaked ice covered his costume when Dick finally threw the plasma. The small by concentrated weapon fell at Freeze's feet. The teen cursed; that was one plasma sphere wasted. To make matters worse, Freeze finally got his sight back.

It took only a second for Freeze to realize that there was super-heated plasma at his feet. The frosty man held his eyes to the plasma as it ate its way through the asphalt before he brought his eyes up to Robin.

"The Batman sends his little fledgling to a fight he himself couldn't win." The ice manipulator's icy voice echoed through the frozen street. "You stand no chance against me, Robin. I'm the man that nearly killed your mentor."

Somewhere, Dick was sure he was angry but he felt a wave of calm come over him.

"Emphasis on the word "nearly", Fries." The Boy Wonder returned. "And as the saying goes, you have a snowball's chance on the surface of the sun. Surrender and come quietly. First and last warning."

The ice controller gave a growl.

"Then you will experience permanent frost." Opening his hand, Freeze summoned a blast of ice. Dick's hand curled around his second plasma sphere; he readied himself to use it.

It was Dick who moved first. The Boy Wonder charged the icy man, intent on driving the super-heated plasma into his face. Freeze formed a curving wall of ice and before Dick even touched him, the teen had to rethink his strategy. Planting a foot on the ice wall, the masked boy did a back flip and skidded backwards on the icy road. Then Yin and Bennett opened fire on the ice manipulator. As bullets kept Freeze preoccupied, Dick caught something strange. Laughter.

But it wasn't just ANY laughter; it was Joker's infamous chortle. Dick craned around, listening for the laughter. Suddenly, the teen was nearly bowled over when he found the Laughing Bat frozen to a building's brick wall.

"Holy-! _Joker_!" Dick rushed over to the frozen harlequin, stunned to see the Clown Prince of Crime in the block of ice. When he approached, the boy saw that Joker didn't look so good.

"I t-t-thought y-y-y-you'd n-n-never s-s-spo-o-o-spot me, peewee." The clown was shivering violently and his face was fogged over with pain and injury. But he managed a laugh.

"Just hang loose, Joker. I'll get you out!" Dick dug for his warrior's baton in his belt. When the boy finally retrieved it, the Laughing Bat stopped him.

"Behind you!" Just one word from Joker in that serious tone made Dick roll to the side. A monster icicle screamed through the air and busted the sidewalk where the boy was standing just half a second ago.

Dick was on his feet and saw that he held Freeze's attention once more.

"Don't worry 'bout me, pipsqueak! Just _don't_ DIE!" Joker called at him. The teen didn't have a choice but to move again as the ice manipulator attacked.

The masked teen was determined to get Joker out of his frozen bonds. The Crime Clown was likely suffering from hypothermia and going down hill _fast_. Dick charged at Freeze again, ready with his plasma spheres.

Barbara Gordon was breathless. She nearly ran half the city to get to 7th and F. When the red-headed teenager finally made it to the area, she found a hard battle being fought. Dick, Ellen Yin and Ethan Bennett were squaring off against Victor Fries. The ice manipulator's icy heart seemed to have permanently frozen over by the way he was fighting. Barbara's heart was pounding in her chest as she readied a Bat-a-rang and joined the fray.

Freeze finally got his icy grip on Bennett, freezing the police chief solid. Commissioner Yin wasn't too happy about that. The ice controller took advantage of her rage and emotional moment to freeze her as well. Now he was looking at the teenage Robin grasping his last super-heated plasma sphere.

"You want to be a crime fighter so bad? Then I'll treat you like I did your mentor: with a shallow, icy grave." Victor Fries raised his hands. Dick watched the delayed ice blast forming on his gloves.

Yin and Bennett had shot Freeze so many times that his pressurized suit was leaking ice from every bullet hole. Dick knew that if he scored a plasma sphere on Freeze's chest or back, he'd send the ice manipulator to his knees. Also in his mind was on Yin and Bennett. If they were not unfrozen soon, they would die. And he never forgot about Joker. The clown was still in that block of ice, shivering and going into hypothermia. Dick needed a miracle.

Suddenly a Bat-a-rang flew through the air and hit Freeze on the back of his head. As the man's head jerked with the force, a second Bat-a-rang hit him in the back and exploded. Freeze was taken to his knees. At that moment, Dick could have kissed Barbara for her timing.

"Batgirl! Take care of Joker, Bennett and Yin!" The teen boy ordered. Then he rushed forward, seeing that Freeze was on his knees.

Now he could plug him with the super-heated plasma.

Barbara rushed over to Joker. The madman was shivering, his head bowed and eyes closed; he looked to be the worst.

"Joker!" The girl called to him and patted his face with her hand. "Joker! Are you still in there?"

To her relief, the clown opened his eyes and looked up at her. Joker was so weak that he couldn't manage a smile. Barbara's heart was in her throat.

"I'll get you out of there." She breathed. Breaking out a Bat-a-rang, the girl began chipping at the frozen water.

The masked teen girl broke the ice around Joker's right arm and was about to continue. In that second, she heard a wet gasp and the crackling of ice.

"NO!" Barbara heard Joker's voice. When the teen girl finally stood and whirled around, she saw that Robin was frozen mid-step; Freeze's hand on his chest.

The girl gasped herself at seeing her best friend turned into a block of ice. Victor Fries got to his feet and gave the frozen boy a push. The block of ice fell to the ground. Freeze put a foot on Robin's icy body.

"Now you shall know what the Batman suffered through, Robin." The icy man hissed at Dick. The boy and his final plasma sphere were frozen solid.

Barbara was motionless like a statue. This fight was absolutely out of control!

"Robin!" The girl ran toward her fallen friend. Then, to her horror, she saw Freeze's eyes settle on her.

Barbara had time to exhale before she too, was frozen.

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Review! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	13. Foolish Fights

Hello everyone! CJzilla here with another update! In this chapter the Batman joins the fight and finds himself fighting alongside Joker. Enjoy! There is still one more chapter to this story, so hang in there!

As I rampage all over this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... Review.

**AN: I own nothing of Mr. Melville's.**

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_"Where does the violet tint end and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blending enter into the other. So with sanity and insanity." _

**Herman Melville**  
_US novelist & sailor (1819 - 1891)_

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Chapter 13

_Foolish Fights_

Victor Fries was on his wobbly feet, looking over the quiet street filled with frozen statues. Joker, the chief of police, commissioner of police and the Batman's sidekicks were no match for him. The icy supervillain let out a laugh.

"Gotham is MINE!" Freeze shouted, empowered by his victory. "I am un_stoppable_!"

The battle-weary ice manipulator took a breath and steadied himself. His suit was full of holes and he was leaking his frosty powers. Freeze cursed; it was beyond repair. Every step he took, he had to pry his feet off of the ground since he would freeze to whatever surface he was on. The ice controller was in the middle of pulling his frozen feet from the asphalt when he heard tire screech. Bringing his eyes up, Freeze saw the high-beams of a car screaming toward him. He'd recognize the sound of that engine anywhere; it was the Batmobile.

Unable to get away, Freeze had time to let out a gasp before the vehicle hit him. In a blow that felt like a wall hitting him in the chest, the ice manipulator found himself on the grill of the Batman's car. As it flew down the street, Freeze clawed to get off of the hood but his suit, still leaking ice, had stuck to the car. The ice controller didn't have time to panic when the Batmobile slammed nose first into a brick building. In a cloud of powdered brick, Freeze and the front half of Batman's car disappeared.

Bruce watched his AI car attack and slam Freeze into a building a block away. Now in his Batman costume, the billionaire emerged from the shadows of an alleyway, a limp noted in his step. His eyes came to Yin and Bennett, frozen solid. The Dark Knight made his way over to them, pulled small devices from his utility belt and placed it on the two frozen cops. Upon contact, the small sonic emitter sent small pulses through the ice. The frozen water began to spider-web and gently break apart. In about five seconds, Yin and Bennett were free.

Bennett took in a breath. His skin felt cold but his core was still pretty normal; he hadn't been in that ice cube for very long. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you all right, Bennett?" The voice was just above a smoky whisper. He immediately knew who it was.

"Peachy, Bats." The chief of police returned, giving a cough before looking up at the crime fighter. "Cut it a _little_ closer next time."

The Batman ignored that.

"Make sure Commissioner Yin is all right." The Caped Crusader voiced before moving off toward Robin and set the same sonic device on his sidekick. Bennett turned his attention to Yin, who had collapsed.

The ice broke from around Dick Greyson's body and he fell to the ground. The teen got to his feet as quickly as he could, blinking the vertigo out of his mind.

"Do you still have feeling in your toes?" Dick heard Bruce ask him. The boy snapped his eyes up to his mentor and he gritted his teeth.

"You shouldn't be here. You're going to get creamed." Dick growled. Bruce's expression didn't even twitch.

"You tell me that after I save you?" The costumed billionaire said dryly. "Since I'm only at fifty percent, we need to work as a team in order to take down Freeze. Where is Barbara?"

Dick looked around before his eyes came to the girl's form; she was frozen too. He gasped.

"There!" The boy pointed. "She's right there!"

Bruce turned his head and saw the red-headed girl frozen. But then he saw something behind her. The man's eyes widened. With Robin at his side, the Batman moved toward Batgirl and the Laughing Bat. The Batman placed a sonic device on Barbara and caught her as the ice cracked off of her.

"Take care of Batgirl, Robin." Bruce instructed Dick. The boy took Barbara from his mentor's arms and eased her to the sidewalk.

The Batman approached Joker, who had gotten free from his icy bonds but was sitting weakly against a mailbox. Bruce crouched in front of the Crime Clown. One look and he knew something was very wrong.

"Bat Buddy!" Joker said softly, smiling weakly. "I didn't expect you for another we-we-w-…"

The harlequin trailed off, laboring through his breathing. Bruce leaned forward and grasped the fabric of Joker's Laughing Bat mask. With a pull, the mask was off. The hero's eyes widened at the dying look on Joker's face. There was frost on Joker's costume, indicating that he too was iced by Freeze. Then the Batman's eyes trailed to the chunks of ice around the harlequin. He saw large amounts of frozen blood melting in the icy water.

"Where are you injured, Joker?" The Batman's tone was business-like; like usual. The clown's smile returned.

"I'm hurt… inside because you didn't let me finish this fight for you, Batsy." Joker returned slowly and then something rolled out of his hand and to his feet. Bruce looked down.

It was Freeze's sonic pulse weapon that he used to break ice.

"You're more of a fool than usual, Joker." The Batman hissed. "You put the lives of my sidekicks and the police in danger."

The clown gave a shallow laugh before he moaned.

"It hurts to laugh…" He peeped, his red eyes fogged over with intense pain. Joker took in the deepest breath he could. "This was MY fight. Everyone else invited themselves."

Bruce frowned and picked up his Bat-Wave as he stood.

"I'm calling in paramedics." The crime fighter turned to his two thawing sidekicks. "Make sure all of you get medical attention."

Then the Batman took a step down the street.

"And where are you going?" Dick called after his mentor. Bruce turned his head and looked at the boy through the corner of his eye.

"To get my car." He answered. The boy's eyes widened.

"On your feet, Batgirl." Dick hauled Barbara to her feet. "We gotta help Batman."

Bruce turned.

"No. You two stay here." The costumed billionaire grumbled. "I don't need two wobbly teens in this fight."

Dick gritted his teeth.

"And _you'll_ fight as a cripple?! Batman! You can't-!" Then, the Batmobile was suddenly blown high into the air. The three ton vehicle soared stories above their heads and landed on it's top in the road behind them.

Then they heard Freeze speak.

"**BATMAN**!" The street echoed with the fuming roar of the criminal ice manipulator. The crackling of ice resounded through the city block.

Suddenly Mr. Freeze plowed out of the building he was rammed into. He rode on a wave of ice toward everyone.

"Everybody! MOVE!" Batman called out as he grabbed Joker. Dick carried Barbara and Ethan had Yin in his arms.

All six of them ran as fast as they could to an alleyway. Diving between two brick and cement buildings, everyone braced for impact. As soon as Freeze's wave of ice hit the structures, the faces of the buildings were totaled and collapsed. Freeze rode a ribbon of ice above the din and through the dust. He looked _furious_. Bruce dropped Joker and rushed to a fire-escape, hoping to draw Freeze's fury away from everyone else.

The ice manipulator fired shaft after shaft of ice at the crime fighter, determined to crush him. The Batman tossed a Bat-a-rang at the ribbon of ice Freeze was standing on. The brittle walkway shattered when the metal weapon hit it. Freeze fell to the building top and found himself looking at the Batman.

"Why-!" He brought a hand up and fired a bevy of dagger-like icicles at the Dark Knight. "-won't… you… _**DIE**_?!?!"

Bruce dodged the icicles but his old injuries were screaming at him. His back was tired, his leg was numb and his left arm was in searing pain. Freeze slammed a hand to the building's roof, sending a large wave of ice through the structure's all ready crumbling edifices. Right from under the Batman's feet, the building caved in. The Dark Knight shot a grapple to the nearest building and saved himself. Freeze then fired a blast of ice that hit the Batman's tether. The cable shattered and the crime fighter fell. Before he could shoot another grapple, he caught a pillar of ice in the back. He fell, frozen.

Dick, Barbara, Yin, Bennett and Joker were right in the crumbling building's path. They scrambled to get out of the alleyway. Dick, Yin, Barbara and Bennett made it to the street just as the building fell over the alley. Dick did a quick head count and found someone missing.

"Where's Joker?!" The Boy Wonder was on his feet in a flash.

"He was right behind me!" Barbara spoke, looking over her shoulder. She saw nothing but decimated building. "Oh, no."

Dick ran to the mound of rubble.

"Joker! Joker!" He called out, tossing debris all around. There had to be several tons of brick and rubble here! "_C'mon_ Clown Face! _Where_ are you?!"

Joker was nowhere in sight. Dick felt himself start to panic just as the wail of the paramedics' vehicles reached his ears.

Joker was not in the mass of ruined building. He had grappled to another rooftop. The clown was not going to let the Batman take the fight HE insinuated, mortally wounded or not. Joker saw Batman jump and Freeze jump him. Taking his Batman-like grapple, the harlequin aimed it to where the Caped Crusader fell.

Bruce coughed as he came back to his senses. After being frozen in ice, he had no idea how far he fell. Bringing his eyes upward, Bruce saw towering skyscrapers above him; the same buildings he was swinging from. That meant he fell several stories before his utility belt managed to thaw him. Concern shot through his mind. Did he re-injure himself?

"I left you in a block of ice, in a burning building, Batman." Freeze's voice cut through the air. Bruce heard the crackling of brittle ice as he sat up.

Above him, on the building above him was Mr. Freeze. Bruce could feel the hot anger coming off of the ice manipulator. Freeze jumped to the street that the crime fighter had landed in.

"When I ice someone, it's a common courtesy to _stay_ dead." The ice controller's steps were labored; all that ice leaking from his suit was making him stick to the asphalt. "I am absolutely sickened to see you draw breath, Dark Knight."

Bruce got to his knees and felt his nearly-healed broken leg call out in pain.

"It's going to take a lot more than a twisted crime partnership and some lucky shots to take me out, Freeze." The Batman returned, forcing himself to his feet. His injured leg was screaming.

"Penguin was a joke and I aligned with him only because times were tough." Freeze growled. He made a fist, his ice powers sending a sheet of fog over the ground where he was standing. "The only fun I had while being partnered with that bird-loving buffoon, was to see you _burn_ in a block of _ice_! But now I'm looking at you again. And I can tell-.."

The ice manipulator paused as his eyes narrowed, indicating he was pleased.

"I can tell that you're still very injured. You wouldn't be able to dodge an insult." Freeze continued. "Allow me to truly send you to your cold grave."

He brought his frosty hand upwards. Freeze shot an explosion of ice at the Batman. Bruce moved as fast as he could, falling to the road in the process. He caught himself with his wrist and he immediately felt a stab of pain. He was doing a fine job of re-injuring himself. He heard Freeze laugh at him.

"This is too easy, Batman." The ice manipulator snickered, walking toward him. "Like freezing a fish in a barrel."

Freeze neared and aimed his finger right between Bruce's eyes. The Batman pressed a container on his utility belt and took a super-heated plasma sphere in hand. Bruce tossed it at Freeze and it struck the icy criminal in the hand. With a shriek of pain, Freeze dropped to his knees, holding his hand.

"You-…" The ice controller fumed. "You'll _pay_ for that!"

With his free hand, Freeze shot a column that hit Bruce in the side. The blunt ice felt like a wrecking ball to the Dark Knight's cracked ribs. Bruce grunted as he rolled with the blow. He came to a stop on his stomach and that's when he could no longer move his injured leg. Rolling to his back, Bruce gritted his teeth in an effort to bite down the stabbing hurt in his body.

Soon, Freeze was back on his feet and pacing toward the injured Batman.

"I hate you." The ice controller growled. "But I will be satisfied when I see your chilly remains."

Freeze let out a heartless chuckle as he placed his hand over Bruce's face. The Batman thrashed as he felt his face get cold and ice move over his forehead.

"Freeze, Batman; for eternity." Freeze laughed and laughed as his ice powers started to cover the Dark Knight's scalp. Just when it looked like curtains for Bruce, someone jumped on Freeze from behind.

The ice manipulator held his hand to the Batman's face, not allowing the prime opportunity to destroy his archenemy to pass him. He knew who was on his back; it was Joker.

"Smile, frosty!" Joker said into his icy ear. Then the clown brought down sonic pulse weapon onto Freeze's frozen head.

The ice controller howled as the sonic pulse flew through his body, exploding the ice around his head. The access of vibrations came through Freeze's hand and broke the ice around Bruce's head. Then the frosty criminal fell to the ground, unconscious and beaten.

Bruce coughed, spitting out busted ice. Then he saw Joker standing over him. Without his Laughing Bat mask, Bruce saw the harlequin's white face, insane eyes and twisted grin. Though Joker was grinning at him, the Batman could see that he was seriously injured. The Dark Knight grunted as he sat up, pain splitting his sides.

"C'mon, old friend." Bruce heard Joker say to him. When he looked up, he saw the clown's outstretched hand offered to him. "Need a hand?"

The Batman looked away.

"You can barely hold _yourself_ up, Joker." He said as he slowly got to his feet. Joker laughed softly.

Bruce stood and looked his archenemy in the eye. He nearly shook his head at the expression on the clown's face. The crime fighter knew Joker's body was in shock due to his heinous injuries, but the insane harlequin looked at him like a child greeting a long-lost friend. The Batman grabbed his Bat-Wave communicator from his belt.

"I'll radio Robin and Batgirl. You need medical-" WHACK! Joker hauled a fist across Bruce's face and dropped him to the ground.

"First off, Batsy-" Joker was still grinning, "you're outta your _gourd_! This was MY fight and you _had_ to stick your little nose where it _didn't_ belong!"

Bruce held his chin and glared at the smiling Harlequin of Hate. Joker was still smiling at him.

"Secondly; tell your little police buddies that didn't listen to me, that because they stepped into my fight, I will show them how explosive I can be!" The clown undid his cape and dropped it to the ground. Bruce got a look at the lighter colored bat-based jumpsuit under that fabric; he saw that hole in Joker's shoulder and the wound on his side. "Which brings me to my third point. I've taken the liberty of hiding twenty-six bombs filled with my most potent Joker Gas yet, all over the city; one being under the _police_ station! All set to got off in-…I forgot! Oh, well! So, Batman, have fun on your scavenger hunt! It's my little way of welcoming you back into service after a lengthy month!"

The Batman gritted his teeth as he sat up.

"You're certifiable!" The crime fighter spat. Joker grinned down at him before stumbling to the sidewalk.

He caught his weight on a light pole and looked back at his best friend.

"And my last point of the evening-…" He paused as his grin fell. "Welcome back. Glad to see that you are all right."

Bruce's eyes narrowed. The Joker turned his tired eyes forward and gave a labored wave.

"I'll be seeing you around, Bat Buddy." The harlequin then moved down the street and disappeared in an alleyway. The Batman got to his feet but couldn't follow Joker to handcuff him.

Pulling his Bat-Wave communicator to his mouth, he spoke into it.

"This is Batman. Does anyone copy?" He waited and then he heard Dick's voice.

"Batman! Are you all right?" The teen rushed. Bruce smirked.

"I'm all right. Tell Yin to send over someone to pick up Freeze. He's done like dinner." He responded.

"That's great to hear, Bats." Dick sounded very relieved. "We're trying to dig out Joker. He's inside the rubble of the building."

Bruce sighed.

"No, Joker was with me, Robin." He spoke calmly. "He's hurt pretty bad and on foot; he won't get far. You best send over an ambulance too. Maybe Joker will share the same transportwith Freeze."

There was a short pause from Dick.

"You seriously want to arrest Joker, too? He's been a crime fighter for the last month." The teen questioned. Bruce frowned.

"He's still Joker, Dick." He responded. "Before he ran, he told me that he hid twenty-six bombs full of Joker-Gas all over the city."

Dick sighed.

"Same old Joker." He grumbled. "So… does this mean thing are going back to normal?"

Bruce grinned.

"Yep." He answered. "Grab Babs and bring the car over, would you? We have to foil Joker's latest plot."

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Review! LONG LIVE ROCK!


	14. Ain't It Funny

Ohyaho everyone! CJzilla here with her last update for this story! Sad? Don't be. You'll see more of my work floating around FanFiction Land. In this final chapter, there are mixed reviews concerning the Laughing Bat. Bruce is concerned that the Joker might not be alive. But then Joker reemerges. Enjoy!

As I rampage all over this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: Read and review! Love on me... Hate on me... You know how I roll.

**AN: CJzilla thought it best to part with a man who knows madness. I own nothing of William Shakespeare.**

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_"Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't."_

**William Shakespeare**, _"Hamlet", Act 2 scene 2_  
_Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)_

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Chapter 14

_Ain't It Funny_

"One week after the Batman reemerged and once again patrolling the city, Gothamites are slowly returning to normal." A blond-haired, blue eyed anchorman gave the camera a steely look. "This is definitely a happy ending to a very crazy month for Gotham. While the Batman was incapacitated after vicious a fight with Mr. Freeze and the Penguin, an unlikely substitute took the Caped Crusader's place. The Clown Prince of Crime and Chaos, the Joker, donned the cape and cowl of Gotham's protector. The _Laughing Bat_ was observed throughout Gotham taking out criminals and enforcing the law, much like the methodology of the Batman."

Then there was footage of the Laughing Bat fighting with Ragdoll, Bane, Poison Ivy and Killer Croc.

"Strangely, with the Clown Prince's unique ways of Joker-Gassing lawbreakers coupled with his mock method of the Batman's style, crime struck a low in the last month. Here's what some Gothamites had to say about the Joker's substitute role:-"

Cut to separate people being interviewed on the streets.

"What the Joker has done for Gotham is a mockery to all that the Dark Knight created. Has Gotham completely forgotten that this is the _JOKER_? He mustn't be idolized lest he hurt innocent people!"

"The Joker saved one of my aunts! She was stuck in a burning building when he rescued her! I had always thought the Joker was bad to the bone, but now I'm not so sure. From criminal to savior; who would have thought? I heard that he was hurt. I sure hope he's all right."

"The Laughing Bat ROCKS! He made a better Batman than Batman! Everyone needs to back off of him! He took out all crime in Gotham!"

"I don't care who's in the tights and cape just as long as the streets are safe for my grandchildren."

"My opinion is this: the Joker eliminated all of his competition in crime and at the same time, lulled this city into a false sense of security. Though he donned the cowl of the Batman, the Clown Prince of Crime is merely disguising his true purpose: to plunder and pillage Gotham as soon as all the other villains have been gassed. Whether or not he's cleaned up Gotham, the Joker is still the Clown Prince of Crime."

"And there you have it, from the voices of Gotham's citizens." The blue eyed new caster voiced to the screen. "While some say that Joker's more twisted than once thought, others are calling him an unlikely guardian. With such a wild card as Joker is, no one really knows for sure what exactly what he accomplished by impersonating the Batman. Though the lull in crime was welcomed, Joker still being at large makes for a very unsettling pause. Rumors are circulating that the insane harlequin was critically injured during the big battle with Mr. Freeze and Penguin that led to the Batman's debut after a month of absence and the incarceration of Victor Fries and Oswald Cobblepot. But with a week gone by and still no sign of the Crime Clown, it is unlikely that he survived. Police Commissioner Ellen Yin reassured the city that the police department is stepping up efforts to find the Harlequin of Hate and bring him to justice… or in a body bag."

On his super computer Bat-Wave, Bruce clicked off the news program and went straight back to the lists of criminals inside Arkham and Gotham State Penitentiary. The inventory was surprisingly large. All supervillains within Gotham city-limits were attacked and gassed by Joker. And I mean _all_ supervillains. There was even a list of "innocent" supervillains. Cluemaster, Punch, Judy, Rumor and Arnold Wesker a.k.a. the Ventriloquist were on parole and trying to live straight lives when they were fitted with big smiles.

Bruce shook his head. Joker took being the Batman's stand-in _very_ seriously; too seriously. It was nearly comical how dedicated the harlequin was. That brought Bruce to reason that it all was just a big game for Joker, despite the fact that he was "doing this" for his best friend. Bruce was by no means flattered that Joker thought of his alter-ego as his closest friend. It just showed how deeply twisted the clown's mind really is. Joker was determined to see the Batman back on his feet so he could kill the Dark Knight himself. But that was common knowledge. What Bruce was concerned about was Joker's safety. Regardless of his past month as the Laughing Bat and apart from being a psychotic supercriminal, it didn't sit right with the billionaire that Joker got away with critical injuries. How a half crippled madman evaded both police and the Batman just gave Bruce a bad taste in his mouth. Wherever Joker was, he was dying if not dead all ready.

"The way you shake your head, I can only assume you're thinking about Joker, Master Bruce." The voice of Alfred Pennyworth brought Bruce out of his thoughts. The billionaire looked up at his faithful friend.

"Unfortunately, Alfred, you're right on." Bruce's eyes tracked back to the computer. "It's been a week since Joker and I fought with Freeze and Penguin. I fear the worst. His injuries were dire… enough to kill him."

The prim and proper butler mirrored the concern on Bruce's face.

"Speaking without knowing full knowledge of the clown's injuries, hasn't Joker survived worse?" Alfred questioned. "This is the Joker we are talking about. If he was well enough to scheme, he is certainly capable to survive whatever Freeze and Penguin threw at him."

Bruce glanced at Alfred.

"True but it's been a week. No gloating, no other schemes and no appearances; that isn't like Joker." The man responded. "He's too quiet and I don't think-"

Suddenly the Bat-Wave chirped. Bruce turned to the computer.

"We've got a report of an overturned vehicle and the driver who says he nearly hit a Jack-in-the-box…" Bruce read off, pausing and blinking.

"A Jack-in-the-box?" Alfred echoed. "Isn't that-?"

"Joker's thing? Yes." Bruce stood but still cupped his chin in thought. "It could be a copy cat but I wanna check it out."

The billionaire took a step toward his Batman costume but he was stopped when Alfred stood in front of him.

"Shouldn't I rouse Master Greyson?" The butler questioned referring to Dick, who was still asleep in his bed; it was very late after all. "Taking into consideration the last time you foiledcriminals alone…"

Bruce cocked his head slightly, wondering if he should ask for Dick's help.

"Sure, Alfred. But I must get to the scene right now. If it is really Joker, I want to make sure he stays put for some medical attention." The man responded. Alfred nodded and sidestepped, allowing his master to pass.

"I shall get Master Greyson up immediately." The butler made a break for the elevator as Bruce slipped into his Batman costume.

Pulling his cowl over his face, Bruce snuck a look at Joker's Laughing Bat costume that was hanging in the archive section of the Bat-Cave. It wasn't the full Batman-like costume, just the cape and cowl. Crudely stitched and baggy fitting on Joker's lithe frame, it was a bad imitation of the Batman's garb. But Joker pulled it off. And now Bruce was off to see if the harlequin was still alive.

Jumping down to his car, the Batman buckled in and pressed the accelerator. He sped out of his lair and toward the middle of town, where the Joker could be.

The Batman soon arrived to the street where the suspected accident occurred and saw an over turned car facing south. As he neared, he saw what type of the truck that overturned. It was a gourmet ice cream truck, likely on its way to a local grocery store. The strange part was, the back doors were open and different types of ice cream were tossed about the street. The Caped Crusader's eyes narrowed. This was very odd. And just as the Batmobile's headlights shined over the entire vehicle, the Batman saw a certain crazy clown seated on the wrecked truck's side.

A stab of relief came over the crime fighter's insides. Joker was alive. Pints of ice cream exploded as the Batman drove over them before pulling his car to a stop right behind the overturned truck. The Batmobile's cab opened and the Dark Knight jumped out. The Batman's feet barely hit the ground when he heard Joker chuckle.

"Hey, Bats." The Clown Prince of Crime greeted, unusually lethargic. The harlequin was seated on the side of the turned truck, his legs dangling over the vehicle's undercarriage and eating ice cream.

The Batman blinked before walking closer. The crime fighter saw the state the clown was in; the side of his face was covered in dried blood and his right eye looked blackened. His left arm was dangled over his legs and hugged to his stomach. Joker sat there as still as possible, likely in intense amounts of pain.

"What are you doing, Joker?" He questioned in his normal dead-pan tone. By all accounts he should be in a hospital; he was lucky he wasn't dead.

Joker popped the spoon out of his mouth and dug it back into the pint of bubble gum ice cream.

"Oh, just eatin' ice cream." The clown returned, a big grin on his face but no smile. Bruce could tell he was still wounded and sick. "Grab yourself a pint and pop a squat, Basty. There's plenty to go around."

The Batman glanced down at the nearest pint of ice cream. It was on the asphalt and melting. Then he saw the Jack-in-the-box in front of the overturned vehicle. A small disgusted frown curled onto his straight face.

"No thanks." The crime fighter responded. Joker glanced at him, sucking on his spoon.

"Whatchya doin' out here, Bat Buddy? A busy hero like you must have someone like Riddler or Bane to take down." The clown asked, clearly curious. The Batman's eyes narrowed.

"There's no supervillain out but you tonight, Joker." The crime fighter spoke. "And you act like you've done nothing wrong."

Joker chuckled, holding back a loud laugh because his body hurt.

"You've found my booby traps, haven't you?" He rolled his red eyes and dug his spoon into his ice cream. "Of course I knew you would. You always do, Batman."

The Batman watched the clown smack the ice cream in his mouth.

"I've checked the asylum and prison's roster, Joker." The Dark Knight voiced. "In the last month, you put every supervillain behind bars."

Joker looked at the masked crime fighter through the corner of his eyes, reading his face.

"You've been busy." The Batman's eyes narrowed in irritation. The harlequin quirked a brow.

"And in your opinion, since it's really the only one I care about: is that a good thing?" Joker inquired, noting the annoyed expression on his fri-enemy's face.

"You gassed each and every one you put in the cooler." The Batman gritted his teeth. "Including the ex-convicts on parole."

Joker saw where this was going. The clown gave a stubborn groan, tossed the pint of ice cream over his shoulder and grabbed another.

"I've heard the same speech from the commissioner and chief of police." He popped the lid off of the new ice cream, took a bite and tossed that one over his shoulder as well. "I didn't need to gas anyone, blah, blah, blah. Take another look at your little list of inmates and tell me I wasn't effective as the Batman."

The clown took another pint of ice cream, tore the lid off and dug his spoon into it. Brining the ice cream to his mouth, he found the flavor to his liking and gladly shoveled another spoonful into his mouth.

"You were effective, Joker." The Batman voiced making Joker stop mid-bite and stare at him. "The streets are free of crime and supervillains."

Though the Batman's words were positive, his tone was not. Joker swallowed his ice cream.

"Then what's with the face?" The clown pointed at the crime fighter.

"You make an effective hero, Joker but yet you try to bomb the city and you rob an ice cream truck." The Batman voiced. Joker set down his ice cream and stretched out across the side of the truck.

The clown lie on his back, looking up at the red night sky.

"When a guy needs ice cream, a guy's gotta get some." Joker giggled and then turned to his stomach, letting a hand dangle off of the truck. "And you know me well enough to answer your question, Batman."

He gave the Batman a big evil, Joker smile.

"I consider you my one true enemy, my only real sparring partner and my _best_ friend." The harlequin continued. "And if you're asking yourself why I went hero, I'll tell you. I volunteered to help my injured friend. I wanted to make sure your work didn't pile up and see to it that you were on your feet as soon as possible."

Joker paused, his mile tripling in size.

"So you could kill me yourself." The Batman finished, eyes narrowed.

"Ding!" The clown sat up and swung his legs over the truck's undercarriage. "You got it, Batty. See? You knew it all along."

He laughed at went back to his ice cream.

"But there were a few things I found out about _you_ I didn't know while I was the Batman." Joker said, spewing out pieces of ice cream. Then a dirty look crossed his face. "I didn't know you and Kitty Girl had a _thing_ goin' on, Batsy."

For a moment, Bruce's eyes widened like saucers. Joker screamed with laughter at the look on the Dark Knight's face and fell to his back. But the clown immediately sat up and held his injured shoulder.

"Pain." He peeped, still smiling as he let another laugh go.

"Her name is Catwoman, Joker." The Batman hissed. Joker rolled his eyes.

"_Catwoman_." He corrected. Then he scooped a spoonful ice cream and held it just away from his mouth, giving Batman another wily look. "Catwoman is quite… _catty_, Batman. She nearly took me on the floor of the place she was robbing, thinking _I_ was _you_. Nice catch."

The clown gave Batman a thumbs up. Under his mask, Bruce's eye twitched.

"But I prefer my women in a clown jumpsuit with a rubber chicken than a cat cowl and goggles." Joker said grabbing a fresh pint of ice cream and opening it. "Here's another tidbit I didn't know about you, Batty…"

The Clown Prince of Crime looked the Batman right in the eye and smiled.

"Pipsqueak and peewee really care for you." Bruce recognized "pipsqueak and peewee" to be Barbara and Dick. "Peewee tried his best to get me out the Bat-tights and back to my life of crime. I _think_ he wanted to save your rep; either that or yell at me. I really can't decide."

Joker put another bite of ice cream into his mouth.

"But enough about me, Batsy. Tell me what's going on with you." The clown looked to the crime fighter and smiled with the spoon in his mouth. "If there's no crime to take care of tonight, why ya out?"

The Batman narrowed his eyes and felt his fists tighten.

"You keep speaking as if you are innocent." The Batman growled. "And _you_ know me well enough to know why I'm looking at you right now, Joker."

The hero locked eyes with the clown. Joker's smile faded as his eyes trailed to the building across the street.

"You're here to arrest me." The harlequin finally said, closing his eyes for a second. He sighed, setting down his ice cream before he grinned.

Joker hopped off the truck, his bare feet slapping the street. The clown's face twisted with pain but he maintained his grin.

"We're like two sides of the same card, Bats." Joker then smiled limping toward the crime fighter. "You know I would never go _completely_ goodie-goodie. A card has to have two sides, not one. _That's_ why you're like you are and I'm like I am. It's perfect balance and perfect harmony."

The harlequin stopped a couple paces away from the Batman, his head spinning and his injuries flaring up again. He swayed a little, the torn remnants of his colorful straight jacket moving with him.

"And who are you to be concerned with balance, Joker?" The Batman said, taking a step toward him just in case the clown started to fall. "You're screw loose and missing cards in your deck."

"I don't deny that." Joker's face fogged over with that dying look again as unconsciousness called to him. "But you can't stay away from me and I can't help but miss you while you're gone. Opposites attract. I try to kill you and yet I come running when you have a loaded gun put to your head."

Joker swayed again, this time more violently. The Batman jumped forward and caught the clown before he hit the ground. The crime fighter helped the supervillain to the pavement and leaned him against the overturned ice cream delivery truck.

"It's the same with me, Batsy. I'm in trouble and who do I see calling the ambulance? None other than the Batman." Joker said. Bruce all ready had his Bat-Wave communicator in hand. "If this isn't friendship, I don't know what is."

The Batman gave the clown a sickened look.

"We are not friends, Joker." The crime fighter hissed. "This so called "friendship" is only the product of your deranged mind."

The harlequin smiled yet closed his eyes.

"Think about it, Batman." Joker replied. "We may solve our problems by fist fights and battles of wits but we always find ourselves like this… perfectly balanced. I create trouble and you stop me. I'm locked in a rubber room but bust out and the cycle starts over again. We need each other to fulfill our purpose. Our rivalry will only end when one of us dies, old friend."

The Batman looked down at the injured and sick supervillain.

"You don't know how close to death you are right now." Bruce grumbled. "And you put yourself in this situation. I'm doing what I would do with anyone else. I'm the Batman; I save and protect."

Joker chuckled.

"Your philanthropy has no end, even to a basket case like me." The clown was laboring through his breathing. "But you have to admit… I'm special."

Bruce frowned.

"You are dying in front of me, Joker. And I will do all in my power to prevent that from happening." The crime fighter responded. Joker smiled.

"I'm sensing that you're avoiding what I just said, Batsy." Joker said. "You pull out stops to save a friend."

The Batman's eyes narrowed.

"I believe I did answer to your statement." Bruce retorted. "You walked a mile in my shoes over the past month and so you know that the Batman will always be there for someone in need of help."

Joker grinned, seeming to be satisfied with the Batman's response.

"So, I'm not getting a thank you for filling in your shoes for the past month?" The clown opened his eyes and found himself to have double vision.

The Batman's ghostly form danced in front of him and his saw his rival's eyes narrow.

"I thought not." Joker laughed as the Batman leaned down and fastened handcuffs to his wrists. Joker smiled. "Ain't that funny."

Joker laughed until blackness folded over him. The Crime Clown slipped into unconsciousness with the Batman's steely face imprinted on his mind and his own laughing echoing in his ears.

Bruce watched Joker's head fall to the side. He was out like a light. The crime fighter enjoyed the silence as he stood there and waited for the ambulance to arrive. He was relieved to see that Joker was alive. Now he could get the proper medical attention and then put safely behind bars.

Joker called he and the Batman friends and that they would never part ways until one of them died. To Bruce, it wasn't like that. To him it was as clear as crystal, the line that divided Joker and the Batman. Never would they be friends as long as Joker stuck to crime. As long as there was the Crime Clown, there would he heroes like the Batman to foil him. But no matter how many ways of reason you attack insanity, insanity always wins.

Ain't it funny.

* * *

And there you have it kiddies! I hope it was as fun to read as it was to write. The overturned ice cream truck has always been a fantasy of mine; I've always wanted to wreck an ice cream truck and then eat its frozen goodies. Thank you Joker. And so, as I part, CJzilla has only one more thing to say: Review. AND LONG LIVE ROCK AND ROLL!


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